31 Days of Journaling: Days 9 & 10

 

What's good everyone! The Unleashed One here. Before I start off my journal entry for Day 9, I have to give some backstory leading into this. I will cover it more when I resume "The Layers of Chronic Illness". Therefore, I will sum it up in this manner.

Earlier this year, I recognized that I was experiencing symptoms related to BDD (Body Dysmorphia Disorder). I started searching for one who specialized in therapy for this condition in August. Although I was matched with a therapist a month ago, this person isn't equipped for what I primarily want counsel for. After my therapy session, I talked about the situation with my primary care physician, who was the person I first spoke to about it and received the referral from. She advised me that it would be better for me to continue independently researching for someone on my own, preferably a person who accepts my insurance.

Now that you have a prequel, on with the write.

Day 9

Illustration by Lindsey Pinkerton

Today I am feeling a high level of discomfort. It's the dysmorphia perhaps playing tricks with my mind. I looked in the mirror, saw myself 20 lbs heavier than I actually was. Everything seemed like it didn't fit, although, in reality, it fits just fine.

I got fixated on the fine details that didn't go well. The belt buckle that neither Jazz nor I could figure out to operate. How I debated changing my outfit. But there wasn't time. And I would have to alter my makeup or make my new outfit fit the theme.

No, too much work.

But how to cover up all the extra fat and bulges? Maybe the button-down camo shirt. Cute. Camo sheik.

No, too much camo. The workplace may think I am at war with them instead of trending.

I throw the shirt aside. Put the hooded duster back on. Focus on the accessories in the hope that it takes away from the bloat. I come downstairs, fighting not to over obsess. 

No one is going to notice.

If you were a fat pig, Jazz would have told you.

Would she have or lied to me just to soothe your anxiety?

Just sip your coffee.

Focus on your breathing.

Get it together Monica.

Just. Stop.

Just. Breathe.

Just sip the coffee and let the caffeine and warmth drift you away. After you microwave it, of course, because it's getting cold as you type this.

After doing some breathing exercises and getting words of acknowledgment and affirmation from Jazz, my anxiety lessened. By the time I got in my car to do my commute, my brain reset on the tasks I had to do for the day. Shifting my anxious energy into productivity helps. It will be great to get my walk(s) in during my break or lunch if it’s not too cold. I wore my thicker leggings underneath my pants today to prepare for the opportunity. Fingers crossed.

Well, a little over a year and a half after my transfer, I’m going to be learning some more things. It doesn’t bother me because I’ve wanted more information about what happens after Step 1. Step 1 is the part that I do, but slowly, I’m going to ease into doing some of the steps which follow. I hope that this gives me the opportunity to branch into other segments.

I was also told that I was someone's weight loss goal. It put me in great spirits for the rest of the day.

There were additional people who tested positive for COVID while I was out. Three people in one week. It makes me glad my booster shot is scheduled for tomorrow but I am not looking forward to the sore arm and fatigue likely to hit. I will take some medication to get ahead of the effects after the shot.

During lunch, it was very cold. So I decided to go to Walmart to see about some things. A lady saw me grab the barbecue protein chips that have lately been in scarce supply. She asked me what they were. I told her protein chips. She decided to get her some. I hope she likes them a lot. 

Well, that's about all I have.

On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday. I hope that tomorrow is warmer than today. I didn't get a chance to do my outside walk, but I still achieved my 8500 daily step goal. I am going to raise it to 9000 at the start of the New Year.

Day 10

I woke up within the time I set for myself. Yesterday, I was running slightly behind. Somehow the volume on my Amazon dot was decreased, so I didn't hear the alarm go off. By the time I did, it was 3:00. I still did my workout anyway but had to improvise, along with not doing as many sets. I've decided to return to having my phone be my primary alarm instead of my secondary.

I am not as uncomfortable as I was yesterday. Maybe I was carrying a bit more water weight. Or perhaps I'm hype about leg day. Although I know I get somewhat sore each session, I concentrate on the award at the end. I returned in time to take a short power nap before getting ready for work. I stayed casual ... after all, it was casual Friday.

It was warmer today so I took a ten-minute walk for one of my breaks. I did not go walking for lunch but did stop by the store to grab some needed food items. I stored them in the breakroom refrigerator until it was time to leave.

Finding somewhere to get my COVID booster shot was trying because the nearest locations either weren't giving shots, didn't have Moderna, or the dates weren't compatible with my schedule. I wanted to do it on a day I was off work, or if not that, on a Friday, so I would have the weekend to battle with the worst of the side effects if they occurred.

From where I worked, it took twenty-five minutes. It was an extra ten minutes for the return trip because by the time my appointment was over, it was the peak of rush-hour traffic. As soon as I got to the house, I popped some Tylenol and will take some more just before going to sleep. I may also put some ointment on the injection site to prevent it from aching as much.

I found myself thinking about Lisa, the lady who strikes up a conversation with me whenever we are in the gym together. Lately, we haven't seen each other because since starting this new trial experiment, I haven't been in the gym on Saturdays and Sundays. In hindsight, I wish we would have exchanged numbers. Perhaps I will offer if and when we see each other again. If this weather doesn't cooperate, I may have to go to the gym just to get my cardio in. Sure, I could continue to do the walking workouts at home, but it isn't quite the same as getting time in on the elliptical or ARC trainer.

Maybe 2022 will be the year that I'll endeavor in a fitness class. Not sure it will be one at my current gym but maybe something like Kickboxing, Zumba, or Aquatics. Someone even said that Spin Cycling would be fun, but I'm on the fence.

If I can find a spot that offers it close to where I work, then I can just go from where I work to the class. Yes, I have a strong level of dedication and adherence to routine. What I don't have is a consistent activity partner or a nearby support system in what I'm doing. However, if the work from home option bill gets passed, then the class being close to work wouldn't have to be mandatory.

Now that it's back to the office every day, it makes me miss the hybrid schedule. It was cool only having to plan a work outfit for three days out of the week.

I'm very happy for Jazz who has decided to try a few exercises on the Total Gym. She has a thirty-day challenge: to do 5 sets of 10 reps of an exercise. She is hopeful that it will become a habit once she does it for thirty days consistently. I am rooting for her.

Maybe tomorrow I will clear off space for the tiny Christmas tree Jazz and I purchased. It's big enough to sit on top of a table. I figured it would be better and more portable with what's to come in 2022.

Okay, let me shut this down. I have some tidying up to do before calling it a night.

Until next time.

Deuces.

31 Days of Journaling: Days 1 & 2

 

Hello. The Unleashed One here. Welcome to a new month, which is also the final month in 2021.

It has been a very long time since I have committed daily to journaling. However, as they say, if you do something often enough, it becomes a habit.

I miss when journaling was second nature and I am hoping that at the end of this challenge, it will return to some sense of normalcy.

Will it be every day from here on out? How I feel at the end will tell the tale.

What I am not going to do is get caught up in the planning of what I want to talk about. I am going to take it old school. Yahoo 360! style, if you will. Those who know me from that time frame will get the reference.

Day 1: December 1st

Today, I am sitting in the laundromat, just across the bridge. Initially, I traveled to this one but the one I normally go to stayed crowded and started packing wire baskets. It makes me think that someone was making off with them or that they were raggedy and hadn't got repaired.

Well, I discovered I like the setup of this one, so this has become my mainstay for the moment. At the time I am starting this entry, it's around 10:30.

Quiet.

A great number of machines are available.

Weekday.

This past Monday marked the 1st day of everyone being back in the office. I told my Spirit Sista that I felt it was a bit too soon. That if they really wanted everyone to return, the departments should have been on a staggered schedule, not everyone back in the building at once.

After Monday, my vacation started. I still had "use or lose" time left.

Initially, it was supposed to be Jazz, Gino, and I going to Florida, but since we were already down there in September, it didn't make sense to go there again. Besides, after my appointment with Dr. Kyle, he told me to not have so many long-distance trips with me driving. Florida in September and Mississippi in October did a number on me. My knee joints were in significant pain and discomfort leading up to my cortisone injections once I returned.

Well, one of my co-workers called me (since I am not one who checks my work email while on vacation) to let me know that someone had tested positive for COVID-19 on Tuesday, so all of the buildings has to be thoroughly sanitized. 2 days in and positive cases already popping up? They may as well reinstate the hybrid schedule. I actually like it and wouldn't mind it being a mainstay.

This is the 1st time in years that I have actually felt like decorating and celebrating the holidays. My mood tends to shift during the winter anyway. Honestly, since my grandfather died, celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas has not felt the same. It wasn't even the same with significant others because they either weren't into it or didn't celebrate it. That made it easier for depression to arrive and just seep in until the temperatures got warmer.

However, I want to do a different take on Christmas. I don't want it to be heavily focused on loads of gifts but on activities. Creating moments. I also don't want to do the staple foods one normally associated with Christmas. Yet, if it cannot be helped, I would like a traditional take on the tried and true.

More to come tomorrow.

Day 2: December 2nd

Can you guess which body part I'm training today?

I am here at the gym. Currently a little past five in the morning. I am pleased that I am almost back to where it was before the knee tear I had sometime back. Some people assume that the injuries that happened to me were mostly caused in the gym.

That isn't always the case.

This recent knee tweak happened some weeks ago while I was outside walking. 

The one prior (which led to the specialist diagnosing me with arthritis and deterioration of my knee joint in the first place) happened during one of my vacations years ago. I was squatting to grab something from a shelf at Walmart. There was a pop. The end, as I say, is HERstory.

The only ones I can contribute so far to the gym were the one and only time I attempted the stepping machine and a shoulder blade tear from increasing my weight too soon on my shoulder press.

Back in November, I opted to do a switch from my regimen. My previous regimen involved the following:

• CST (Chest, Shoulder, Triceps)
• B&B (Back & Biceps)
• Legs
• Rest Day/Cardio Focused
• Repeat

Currently, I am trying cardio focus/rest on the weekends and doing strength training on the weekdays.

The reasons for exploring this change:

1. The gym I go to now doesn't open until 7 on the weekends. By the time I have done strength and cardio training, it's close to 9. On the weekends, I prefer to eat my breakfast earlier than later.
2. I want to see if circuit workouts will suffice on days when I have less time to do full training.
3. I am attempting to intermingle isolated abdominals training (usually on my leg day).
4. I am experimenting with different splits on alternating weeks. Instead of doing Chest, Shoulders, and Triceps: Chest and Back. Instead of doing Back & Biceps: Shoulders and Arms. On those weeks is when I combine abs and legs, plus 1 circuit (to ensure each body part is still getting trained twice a week).
5. Since returning to work, I can utilize my breaks to get walking (cardio in), which cuts down on the time I spend on cardio at the gym. That is, on days when it isn't too chilly.

Since the switch, here are the Pros and Cons thus far.

Pros

1. On the weekends, I can choose to sleep a little later, since I am not doing strength training.
2. On cardio-focused days, I can maximize the opportunity to get more steps.
3. If I run late or don't feel motivated to wake up early for strength training, I can pack my things and choose to train after work.
4. On those days when I work out later, it gives me the opportunity to work through my anxiety, especially in situations where the gym is packed.
5. When I work out later, the chance of me falling asleep quickly increases.
6. With the circuit days. I can get a full-body workout (sans legs) in a fraction of the time.

Cons

1. There's not as much time to recover when exercising back to back.
2. For me, there are certain body parts that take longer to recover when going heavy.
3. With the Chest & Back training, I discovered that I have to choose which body part to do more weight on. I found out the hard way that going heavy with both on the same day is a bad idea.
4. It takes more inner motivation to get going, especially when one was used to getting a rest day every 4th day.
5. On days when I end up working out later, there's less availability with certain machines.

Just to expand a bit more, let's take this week. On Monday, I did CST. Tuesday, I did B&B. Originally, I was going to train legs yesterday, but I was (1) feeling muscle soreness from Monday's training and (2) experiencing some side effects from my flu shot. Therefore, I decided to take Wednesday as rest/cardio day. I felt well enough to do my legs training today, but I still feel sore from the training that I did prior. 

The end of January will mark 90 days. I will access and give my verdict as to whether I want to continue with this one, go back to my push-pull-legs-rest split, or a hybrid of the two.

Okay. I will check in tomorrow.

Deuces.

Update: The Highway to Healthy

 

Picture Taken: 12/21/2020

Greetings everyone! The Unleashed One here.

I debated whether to wait until the New Year to do this particular entry. However, what prompted me to do it were as follows:

(1) It has been on my mind for a while, and I wanted to get the process started on working through all of the contents in this entry.

(2) Perhaps someone else is going through the same hiccup but hasn't said much or anything at all because it's not the "traditional" way you are supposed to act or feel.

In short, it's for helping and healing.

Your eyes do not deceive you. I did not use a fancy filter to make my face or body look small. What you see above is how I actually look, give or take a few days.

The standard reaction of how one's supposed to feel ...

• Excited
• Overjoyed
• Sexy
• Confident
• Accomplished

Along with some type of shame over how the previous, heavier, unhealthy you looked.

Now, before I go on, know this:

I do not believe just because someone is heavier that it is synonymous with unhealthy. I am sick of that narrative. I do know people of heavier weights that have no medical conditions whatsoever. I know people who look the "ideal" that are battling with a plethora of health issues.

The first time I attempted a routine to get healthy was back in 2013. It had not been too long after the gym had opened, and I decided to join. The insurance I had wasn't all that great, and I was still employed by the staffing agency on a long term temporary assignment.

The following photo is one I first took at the start. Note: Pardon the awkwardness. I still have not mastered the art of doing a photo in the mirror. 😄

February 2013

March 2013

A few months after these photos, I got married. Then, my mate experienced financial instability. While he looked for work, I took on an additional job. At that stage, it became hard to manage two jobs, still be expected to do traditional wifely duties, and uphold a workout regime. When it came time to cut down expenses, my gym membership hit the chopping block. So did the tiny progress I'd made with exercises and nutrition since the most accessible foods aren't exactly the most health-friendly.

I did feel a bit sad. Exercising gave me a temporary reprieve from any stress I had been experiencing and took me out of the humdrum of working, then going home. It also didn't help when my mate was not one hundred percent supportive. He never wanted to go to the gym with me. Plus, he would keep saying that I looked fine just the way I was.

But it wasn't about looks; it was about health.

See, I didn't even think I was ugly at a heavier weight. However, I did recognize that the pounds were becoming a deterrent.

(1) My diabetes at that point was not well controlled.

(2) Tasks like going up and down stairs exhausted me.

(3) Experiencing pain throughout my body was constant.

(4) My feet and legs would swell up frequently.

(5) At times, breathing was rather difficult.

(6) The ability to find clothes I felt comfortable in wearing declined.

(7) I did not have as much stamina with things I loved doing.

(8) I did not have the stamina to always meet the sexual demands of my mate.

By the fall/winter of 2016, I had begun to reach acceptance as it pertained to my weight. At this juncture, my husband and I were no longer living together (in the process of divorce). I had accepted that the body I had now was the one I was stuck with.

I was dissatisfied with the medical community. Despite my believing that the medication I was on was ineffective, I kept being told that I just needed to "work harder", "apply myself", and "not eat so much". However, I was the type of person that back in those times, only ate once a day, but when I did eat, it was the quality of the food, not the quantity. 

Just before the start of 2017, I decided to peek out at the dating world, but it had been years since I'd done any recent photos. I got a friend to help with some of the photos.

December 2016

August 2017

I confess that I don't know the number. How much I weighed. I didn't own a scale, so it was only when I went to the doctor's office that I'd have a number. But it is over two hundred for sure. 

Yet, even here, I wasn't thrown off by how I looked, just adapting to dressing differently. Seeing what styles worked and what didn't. Branching out of just wearing pants and jeans, which are my automatic. 

Then 2018 hit.

The Super Flu hit.

I was out of work for about three weeks. One of my workers commented that I had lost weight. The only way I picked up on it was because of how my face looked.

I didn't think much about it at first, believing that the weight I had lost would work its way back. It always had in the past. Sure, I did not have any appetite ... it had gone to zilch because of the flu ... but once the flu went on its merry way, the desire to eat like I had would return.

February passed.

Then March and April.

I still didn't have a scale but I knew more weight had dropped off. My clothes were no longer fitting the same. Skin was sagging where it hadn't before.

The sagging of the skin was bothersome to me, and that is what brought me back to the gym in May. I thought to myself, If I can just tone/firm some of this up, I will be okay.

I also started cleaning house, as it pertained to the attendants of my medical care. I dumped my primary care physician for a new one and sought an endocrinologist that would listen to my concerns and put me on medication that would actually help with my diabetes and my cholesterol issues.

With this new dedication to my fitness and health, I once again had to make adjustments to the physical manifestation of changes. 

December 2018

September 2019
(Only the 2nd time in adult life I've worn a bathing suit)

November 2019

Heading into 2019, I encountered a disconnect. Although my body was smaller, I still had the habit of picking up clothes that were my previous size. Or things that fit my old silhouette. Most of the time, I would catch myself. There were a few times I didn't. Some of the items I was able to return. Some were final sale. Luckily, at this stage, my friend could wear that particular size.

I also struggled with the donating of clothes, wondering if I should hold on to some. Simply because there was that nagging thought, "What if the weight comes back? At least I'll have these clothes on standby."

It was not until the later part of 2019 that I went through the process of donating some of the "way too big clothing", as in the size 18, 20, even the scant 22s that ran small. Although if I had to guess, I was actually close to a size 12 at around the end of 2019. So ... even then ... I was a few steps behind.

In hindsight, perhaps I should have set a number goal. I opted not to do it because in the past when I would, I'd beat myself up for not hitting the number. I didn't want to get obsessed over a number. I wanted to focus on the actual journey and the benefits. More importantly, I was working so that I could hear the words from my endocrinologist that I could stop taking my diabetes medication.

I am excited about the benefits of the journey. I have more energy to do activities. I do not have to take strong medication on a daily basis to manage my pain. The quality of my sleep has improved. These improvements make me feel overjoyed.

I did have sexy and confident moments in the latter part of 2019. Jeggings and leggings became part of my wardrobe when I'd always rock wide leg and boot cut. I appreciated how my legs looked in them. I tried out prints that I ran from before.

I was having fun, but I also figured I had reached the end of the journey. Reason being that I had reached a plateau with the weight. At this stage, I didn't mind, figuring I could finally start getting more clothes without having the fear that I'd have to readjust.

When the pandemic hit, my typical workout routine was altered significantly. I relied heavily on the availability of the gym for exercise, so when the gyms closed, I had a hard time finding substitutions that would produce the same result. Also, with most of us working from home, I had to adapt to working from home while trying to find a way to maintain my accomplishments.

When I went to see my endocrinologist for a follow up on my bloodwork in mid-2020, I did gain about twelve pounds (Yes, I finally got a scale 😄). But once I had reached a decent number (which I felt I had in 2019), I hadn't stepped on it that often.

Although I did explain to my endocrinologist that the impact of COVID was a primary culprit, there was concern expressed that I'd fallen off the wagon.

All I could think was I'll show you.

Once the gyms reopened across the way, I made it a point to find a way to incorporate the routine in my schedule, along with my newfound love for outdoor walks. Since I have more energy in the mornings, that did involve getting up a few hours earlier than my work shift on the weekdays. Sure, there were moments when I had to switch to the afternoons, but I was more open to amending exercising than not doing it altogether. 

I also went into the habit of weighing myself more. Primarily to know how much weight I lost on average as well as being able to pinpoint what factors would cause loss to stall or even gain. 

• When I'm on my period ... forget about it. #StupidWaterWeight

• When I don't have a bowel movement, there's a huge fluctuation in my weight. (I'll cover that in a separate entry because I haven't moved "normally" since after the flu).

• If I slip up and have too much rice, it seems to translate to pounds immediately. 😮

Doing this just really helped me be realistic ... that the loss of weight is more like a wave than a straight line. It keeps me from being overly hard on myself. When my weight increases, I usually know what contributes to it. I brush myself up and get back to business.

But ... silly me still didn't set my number. I just wanted to prove that I'm not that person to be written off due to a minor setback.

March 2020 (just before the shutdown)

September 2020
(Think I look pretty good,
although on my cycle that day)

And ... just like that, no more plateau.

The cycle (Acknowledging, Acceptance, and Adaptation) has begun once more, now looking at my wardrobe like ... 

Now, we are back to where we started. The picture of me that you saw before.

So ... how am I feeling? 🤔🤔🤔

I was having a random conversation with Yasmin. It was a little about this subject ... having to go through readjustment.

I said out loud, "What size am I now? I can't shop at the stores I used to." By stores I'm used to, I speak of Torrid and Ashley Stewart, and even with them, I had been going with the smallest sizes they offered.

I was casually looking at the Old Navy website, using their 'True Size' thing, which touted I was a size 8.

I looked in the mirror (yes, I have a full-length one that doubles as a jewelry armoire), then shook my head. "Old Navy says I'm an 8, but I doubt it."

Yasmin said, "No, I think you're an eight. I used to be super small, remember?"

I shrugged, still in doubt. But some of my workout clothes were getting two sizes too big. After my workout, I walked over to Forman Mills and saw a good buy on some two-piece sets. This is one of the ones I purchased. In my mind, I was still doubtful that it was the correct size. But I had never been this size to even judge whether Yasmin was in error. 

I put it on, expecting it not to fit at all ... and yet, it did. Not super snug, but proper.

I am feeling ... 😶

Stunned: because I did not anticipate that I would get to this level of smallness

Conflicted: because I have not tapped into the beauty of this frame, along with the loss of community I've experienced since going on this journey. Loss of community in terms of once being plus-size and having those same ones shun me because in their eyes I'm a "skinny-mini", even though my treatment towards the community has not and will not change. I still love them.

Apprehensive: because of what is said when people think you've lost too much ... "sickly", "not feminine anymore", etc, but it's more about Grandma and less about "people", feel me?

Along with having feelings of

Numbness and distortion, both visually and emotionally: 

On most days, I'm so into the routines that I don't pause to really reflect. When I work out, it's this immense tunnel vision. I'm focused on what I have to do and how I want to do it.

However, I don't spend a lot of time staring in the mirror because when I do, I fall into cherry-picking ... the "I like, but" ... because sometimes, hitting one goal brings the spotlight on more work that has to be done.

For example ...

"I like how defined my legs are, but I wish I didn't have so much sagging skin on my thighs."

"The tummy is coming along but there's that small flap and all the stretch marks".

"It's becoming a challenge to work out with the extra breast tissue. It's time to look into the lift and breast reduction I've pondered on for some years."

Coupled with ...

Missing aspects and attributes of the heavier me: because there was certainty with her. Who is reflected now is a whole new horizon.

I said all of that to say this ...

• There's nothing wrong with having varying emotions on the Highway to Healthy. You can feel over the moon with accomplishment and "what the hell is going on" at the same time. A person should not be made to have to choose one over the other.

• One getting started on a wellness journey may have little or nothing to do with the dissatisfaction with one's physical appearance. Not everyone's beginning is the same.

• Having people go on the ride with you is helpful but don't fear going at it alone if you have to. 

• Dream abs are based on the blessing of genetics and nutrition more so than any dream creams, potions, or magic workouts. Don't think because you lose weight that six-pack abs just show up. On some individuals, depending on their fat percentage, the abs may never show.

• Being a smaller weight does not automatically mean that all medical problems are eliminated. In some cases, new challenges can arrive.

• The Highway to Healthy is a long-term commitment. It's the only way to ensure that the results stick.

• Have a set point in mind. That way, once you get to it, you can adjust your mindset and focus on maintenance. Also, don't let anyone else's number dictate your number.

• Find the characteristics that you love about yourself every step of the way. It helps when you experience a setback or have moments when you're not feeling as self-assured.

Okay, I think that about covers it.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. It was very daunting to be this hella vulnerable with everyone, particularly all of the full-body shots ... lol. But, if I've helped even one person, then this makes it all worthwhile.

Shadow Work Sunday: Journal Entry 9

 

Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. Not for nothing, I sure wish I was somewhere warm right about now. Just the other day on Facebook, I got a memory notification about the time I went to Florida about two years ago. Those were fun times, and I hope that I will soon be able to venture out and go there again. 

#CurrentStatus

While I take a break from shoveling snow, let's delve into another Shadow Work Sunday.

How often do you lie to yourself? In what ways are you in denial?

Hmmm ... lie is a pretty strong word. The strength of that particular word can definitely stir up some different emotions.

But, if I am honest with myself, I lie to myself more than I would like, and usually, it's about the level in which certain situations bother me.

For example, although I tell myself often that I am content with the select individuals I can talk to about otherworldly topics, the truth is I do miss having others who are not the same gender as me to speak about these topics with.

Maybe it's because it took me a long time to develop those types of dependable bonds with women. Maybe it's the fact that one of the guys I could have those conversations with died many years ago. Perhaps it's also coupled with the fact that I've run into men out here who don't believe that men and women can be friends without sexual benefits attached. Either way, I miss having the male perspective ... the divergence, if you will.

By topics, I don't mean weather, food, the wellness of slumber, and work. I mean deeper things, like humanity, how one sees his/her future, wellness of mind, body, and spirit, etc. The latter is lacking in my life.

Another subject is my health journey. I don't like calling it "weight loss" journey because that signifies that "weight loss" and "becoming healthier" go hand-in-hand, and I don't believe that is necessarily so (expansion on that in another blog post). For me, weight loss symbolizes the by-product of the actions I'm doing to achieve health.

I am the person that will still do my thing, even if others who promised or said they would do something with me don't. I often tell myself it doesn't bother me, but it does to a certain extent. More so people who are close to me than anything. Not just with those who said they'd journey with me but also support in the family.

I do possess a lot of will power, determination, and grit, but it is always helpful and more inspiring if those in your corner are along for the ride.

I don't expect for a person to work out as often as me or do the same routine as me, but it is challenging to do a home workout and the person you would like to do it with you is just looking at you.

I don't require a person to eat in the same way as me, but it is challenging to have food around me that I used to eat frequently or are "trigger foods". On top of that, to eat them around me.

I don't even expect a person to understand, but for someone to chime in with opinions whether I haven't lost enough or lost too much is aggravating. Particularly if that person isn't the poster child of health himself. 

To have a tribe of encouragement or a tribe to do my journey with would be terrific. I do have days where the drive isn't as strong or moments when I'm not as confident with what I'm doing. Being part of this program (which I'll explain further along with my exercise entries) is a good start, but since it's not localized, it currently doesn't possess the same oomph.

Okay, one last "lie" before I close out this entry.

I lie about how comfortable I am as it pertains to some of the doctor's explanations of certain ailments going on with me. 

In the past, I have covered the ongoing cough I've had since 2018.

Although many tests have been done, including sleep tests, there is still no concrete solution as to why this is still continuing. I've been diagnosed with acute asthma and acute sleep apnea, but according to the specialists, it's not significant enough to fully contribute to the cough's continuation.

There is also a situation happening as it pertains to my blood glucose levels. That I will also delve into as a separate blog topic. But, to sum it up, over the past month, it has become more difficult to keep my levels stable. My endocrinologist thinks its one thing; I am not confident that his analysis is an accurate one.

This does battle in how I perceive the medical field. I was brought up to believe that most doctors actually have a sense of empathy, listen to their patients, and try to do what they can to find causes and solutions that makes sense. However, that has not always been my reality. I don't like when medication gets thrown at a symptom without concrete proof that it's what's going on with me. Also, because there are several medicines that affect me adversely, I have to be extra careful with what I'm taking.

As far as denial, I'm not one that stays in that space. To be in denial is the unwillingness to admit something's wrong or an issue. I operate on a high level of self-awareness to where denial with certain things is really nonexistent. But the frequency of untruths to myself, I'm not sure I can place a number on them. I just know they exist, and the fact that I can speak on them in something, right?

Thanks for joining me for another Shadow Work Sunday.

Take care and stay safe.

 

10K Step Challenge (The Finale)

Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. Wow, it's hard to believe, but my step adventure has reached its end. For those of you who need to play catch up, here are the links for you to read:

10K Step Challenge (Week 3)

10K Step Challenge (Week 2)

10K Step Challenge (Week 1)

The Step Challenge Adventure

Here is how the final week went:

As you can probably tell, there were days where I had a bit more spring to my step than others. I am going to recollect, as best I can (for I didn't have time to do a thorough mood tracker), the elements which played a part in my not having as much overage on some days than others.

Hiccups

Unexpected News:

Those who know me know that I am a workaholic by nature, although I've done a better job over the years to balance my work life with a personal life. However, one characteristic of me which hasn't changed is my disdain for instability. I found out before the month of June ended that my hours were temporarily being cut at my place of employment, which was a blow to many at our workplace, since ninety-five percent of the time we are exempt from anything having to do with a furlough. All up until the last part of June we were told this.

I know that I'm going to be fine. I've gone through worse, but it's hard to stay in motivation mode when you're trying to calculate figures in your head and decide what financial arrangements to make, even if it is temporary. For those of you who are saying I should be thrilled because of the extra $600 a week the federal government is supposed to pad on top of state unemployment, it's difficult for me to share enthusiasm due to how petty the Placeholder in Chief can be. I give those who have no choice but to depend on the federal and state governments their props because you have to almost be on pins and needles, just in case something happens that cuts funding or slows things down. It's an existence not favorable to me, or maybe it does boil down to the fact that I'm a control freak.

Needless to say, on Tuesday (6/30) I was distracted but also by the end of the day, I was in pain. Arthritis (in the knees) and DOMS (with the ankle area). 

Job Training

On Wednesday (7/1) I had training for a new job function that I would primarily do the following week (7/6, 7/8, and 7/10). Because of this, I did cut my morning activities short. In addition, although the arthritis pain was in check, I still had a bit of DOMS. Rather than stubbornly push through, I used some overage from earlier in the challenge.

Temporary Drawback 

On Monday (7/6), I had an appointment with my endocrinologist. A lot of people are gaining what I'm calling the "COVID cushion". I was not exempt and it was reflected in my weigh-in and the slight elevation in my A1C. I picked up 9 pounds since I last met up with him in December. I did assure him that I would be back on track by our next visit.

I am hoping that some more weights will soon become available for purchase since there is no telling when the gym will open up in my area. I have tried to compensate for my former activity level at the gym with (1) incorporating morning walks (2) doing short workouts during my 15-minute breaks from work as well as the evening. Unfortunately, at times, my body claps back from soreness or exhaustion. So I recognize that I have to continue to make modifications to food, not just amount but quality. Healthy eating is going to have to be more front and center as opposed to side by side.

Takeaways from the Challenge

1. I am very impressed that I achieved some overage almost every day.

2. I am shocked I only missed my goal 2 days out of 30. I really thought my knees would play more of a factor in slowing me down.

3. Walking in the mornings, most days, helped keep my energy up for most of the day.

4. Focusing on my steps did throw off my isolation exercise schedule significantly. By week 2 of the challenge, I found myself forgetting which body parts I'd previously worked on, which caused me to do some areas more than others. In the end, I opted to do full-body segments in combination with walking to strike some semblance of balance.

5. My sleeping pattern took a hit, for I was trying to ensure I had downtime between my morning walk, breakfast, and work.

6. I've noticed better flexibility.

7. My overall stride has been quicker.

Do I think I can do 10K a day every day all the time?

Factoring in ....

Working from home

Arthritis and carpal tunnel

DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness)

Sleep schedule modification

For me, at this current stage, I'd have to say ...

However, I can strive to do 10K on a more frequent basis, maybe a couple times a week or every other day. Just to give my legs a bit of a reprieve from time to time.

Before this challenge, I walked somewhere between 4,500 and 8,000 steps daily. Now that I know I can do more, I will strive for more.

Thanks to everyone who has followed me on my 10K Step Adventure this past month.

And on that note ...