My Newest Medical Development

 

Greetings! The Unleashed One here. I hope that everyone is having a terrific day thus far, and if you aren't, I send hope that the day will get better for you.

Is it just me, or does the time between Halloween and the end of the year accelerate? I don't know whether it's because of the time change or that there are a plethora of holidays in between. I know, for me, it can feel like a blur, and I'm never truly prepared when it happens.

By the title, you're probably already curious as to what this development is. I will be jumping around in time, but it's necessary to get a clear picture of what's transpired.

Without further delay ...

Mid-December 1998 #NoTypo

It was close to my finals for the fall semester of my junior year at college. I was not one of those fortunate people that could cruise around (Read: No vehicle), so I walked to each of my classes. Some of my classes were as far as ten minutes from my dorm room.

On one particular day, I was leaving from my fine arts class to my dorm room when I noticed that my leg was in pain. My legs typically didn't hurt from walking (by now, I'd gotten used to the trip). It was made even stranger that it was just one leg ... my right leg.

When I got in, I made a call to my grandma. After explaining the situation to her, she believed it was just muscle pain and advised me to rub ointment on the area. To me, that explanation made sense, and since I didn't want to miss days leading up to my finals, I rubbed with some ointment, believing that it would help.

The ointment did help in the moment, so I kept on studying and trucking. Over the next few days, I noticed that my clothes weren't fitting properly. Not because I had gained any weight around the belly, but because I picked up that my pants were fitting tighter around my right leg. I told myself that if it didn't get better during finals week, I would go and see the campus doctor.

Not even a couple of days later, I encountered my friend at the time, who was a nursing major. He saw the condition of not only my right leg, but also saw that my left leg was swelling. After telling him I was in pain, he insisted that I go to the campus doctor right away.

Note: I do have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I'll save that for another blog.

Next thing I know, the campus doctor tells me that there's not much he can do ... that the situation is much more serious than they can handle. I am rushed to the hospital back home. My grandparents also get notified.

In short, I had several blood clots. They started in my right leg and started spreading to the left leg as well. I was in the hospital for close to two weeks as they went through the process to deal with the clots. After I was released from the hospital, I was placed on coumadin and remained on that medication for almost a year and a half.

The emergency staff concluded that it was a side effect of the birth control pills I was on, and from that point forward, I was limited to what contraceptives I could use. Being on anything that had similar ingredients to birth control pills was too high risk. In short, it was either a diaphragm, cervical cap, female condom, and/or dependent on my partner to take proper precautions.

Mid-August (Current Year)

It was my onsite day at the job. I was breaking in the new dress I'd gotten from Shein. The day was relatively pleasant. I arrive there somewhat early to not only get a close parking spot but to give myself time to do an early morning walk before officially kickstarting the day.

In the latter part of my fifteen-minute walk, I felt a sharp pain in my right calf. I was at the end of the walk anyway, so I went inside to log in to work. As I sat there, the pain subsided, but I noticed that my right calf was very warm to the touch. I touched my left calf but it didn't have that warmth.

Around 10:30 or so, I went on my fifteen-minute break. I once again attempted to do my walking ritual. Close to halfway, there was pain. More intense and again, my right calf. I cut the walk halfway, went back inside the building.

I thought about the last time I had these symptoms and settled on when I had the clots back in 1998. However, this didn't make sense to me because I wasn't on any birth control that could bring forth that side effect. Yet, I couldn't ignore the similarities. The sharp pain. The warmth. And as I looked down at my stocking-covered leg, some swelling.

I sent a message to my primary care doctor, asking about the next steps I should take. I decided I wasn't going to go on my thirty-minute walk during my lunch hour. I resumed work, then after a moment, went to the break room and the bathroom.

Once I returned to my desk, I saw I had missed calls. It was from the doctor's office, letting me know they had a cancellation and if I could be there by 1. By this time, it was close to 12:30. I sent my boss a message en route as I grabbed my purse and made my way over there.

My PCP took a look at my right leg and asked me how I concluded it may be a clot. I recounted my experience way back when (which should have been in my chart but I wasn't in the space to be flippant) and how the symptoms were in line with such. I confessed to being confused because of how the cause was linked to birth control pills and that I hadn't been on birth control medication since the incident happened.

My doctor was in agreement, said she was glad I came in, and made calls to schedule an ultrasound that day. They bumped me up in the line and told the hospital it was an emergency.

I contacted my boss to tell her that I wouldn't be in for the rest of the day but that I would stop by to log off my computer before heading to the hospital for the ultrasound.

It only took about five minutes before the ultrasound tech confirmed my suspicion. The blood clot was back. She checked the rest of my leg and the left leg. Luckily, there were no other clots, just the very sizeable one.

Blood clot medication has come a long way since 1998. Rather than put me on coumadin (like I was before), I was placed on one called Eliquis. In addition, I was referred to a vascular surgeon as well as a hematologist to determine the cause of the blood clot and come up with a treatment plan.

Mid-September (Current Year)

I noticed that my glucose numbers were ticking upward despite no change in my diet or eating habits. I brought this concern up to the hematologist but stated that I should not be concerned since Eliquis isn't known to cause this. When I came across forums of individuals who were encountering the same thing, I reached out to my endocrinologist. I had been off of my diabetes medication since last year due to my A1C and glucose being so well controlled. After talking with my endocrinologist, he re-prescribed my diabetes medication and told me to compare the numbers being on the medication vs when I come off of the diabetes medication. Needless to say that once the diabetes medicine was reintroduced, my numbers were back to where they should.

November 21st (Current Year)

I had a follow-up appointment with the vascular surgeon to check on the clot. After performing a same-day ultrasound, it was discovered that the huge clot was gone. However, there was some scarring that the vascular doctor would like to see less of. As far as how long I'd be on the Eliquis, the doctor would fall in line with the hematologist. However, I was optimistic, thinking I wouldn't be on the medication much longer because the immediate threat was gone.

December 7th

After waiting forty-five minutes for my eight o'clock appointment, I finally see the hematologist. I won't go into my level of agitation with how unprofessionally the lateness was conveyed ... because that is irrelevant to the point. The extended blood work was in ... and it turns out that I have an inherited blood clotting disorder called homozygous Factor V Leiden. Homozygous means that both my mother and the blank space on my birth certificate (father) had a copy of the Factor V Leiden mutation, and I hold both copies of the mutated gene.

In simple terms, I have a deficiency in the protein that controls clotting, which causes my body to produce an overabundance of clots. The clots most commonly form in the leg (DVT) but can also form in other parts of the body, such as the arms, lungs, and brain. There is no cure for this rare disorder or any prediction of when clots can return. All one can do is be on anticoagulant medication and to take steps to ensure that one won't reoccur.

When I asked the hematologist about the length of time he wants to keep me on the Eliquis, he didn't give the most direct of answers. He did tell me that he couldn't make me stay on the medication, since the blood clot was gone. All he could do was advise me of the potential dangers of what could happen if I were to get off of it.

After hearing the news, all I could think about was how other medical conditions I am battling with have impacted my treatment of the rest. My reflex reaction was to just get off of it completely, but I didn't want to decide at that moment. I went into research mode ... natural remedies, vitamins, and supplements that could serve as a substitute for this pharmaceutical that was making my glucose elevated and unable to effectively treat my arthritis.

Yesterday

No amount of research; no amount of positive thinking; no amount of reframing the narrative could stop the crash of anguish, anger, and hurt that hit me yesterday.

It took me three days to grieve over yet another thing that I thought would be "one and done" ended up being ... well, not.

I was angry that the mutation wasn't found sooner ... that the symptom was treated rather than the root cause and that no further bloodwork was done way back when. Perhaps if I would have known in 1998 what I know now in 2022 I could have taken the steps to prevent this occurrence from happening again. I dang sure wouldn't have gotten on those birth control pills, which triggered my very first episode.

I was angry that for each step I took into being proactive with my health, more unknowns are popping up to the surface ... rare unknowns, at that. 

I was sad that there's one part of my family tree I know nothing about and that there weren't these extensive conversations about medical conditions, predispositions to diseases, and the like during the time when I was growing up. I accept that perhaps all were ignorant and that the doctors didn't even test them,  but it doesn't make me feel any less sad for giving them grace.

Today

I'm in a better space. Knowing that I have this rare disorder solidifies that I made the right decision as it pertains to having kids. I haven't made a clear-cut decision as to how much longer I'll be on the Eliquis but will update this space once I do.

Right now, I'm seeking community and support services for individuals who have this same thing. Have they gone through the same emotions I am currently experiencing? Did they decide to stay on their prescribed medicines, or did they choose a different route? I know that my closest friends are available, but I'm not in that space where I can speak about it without being overcome with emotions. I'm not quite there with the "I'll be okay." I know I'll get there, but it just won't be today.

However, I'm taking this first big step. Writing about this. Perhaps there are others out there who have this disorder, and I just want to let them know that they aren't alone.

One has to get out of this space of not talking or learning about one's medical history. If there's a way to prevent a child from having an untreatable disorder, wouldn't one want to do so?

Also, listen to your body. Pay attention to any changes. Yes, doctors have wisdom, but they can even miss the signs. They aren't in your body. They aren't operating in your day-to-day. In a world where there are lots of patients and not enough doctors, gone are the days of one-on-one care and the expectation of the medical staff to have an innate sense of empathy.

If you have stuck around this long, thanks for taking the time to read.

M.O.M. Entry Two

Greetings! The Unleashed One here, back with another journal entry.

The pictures above are old pictures, most were taken within my first few years of being in New Jersey. The one in the center was taken during a visit to MS where this photographer was offering a photo package at a discounted rate. As you all know, I don't look like that now.

This episode of Misconception On Monica (M.O.M.) is not going to be a rehash of the Highway to Healthy but will shed some spotlight on some of the views and behaviors of others since being at this smaller size.

Note: This is coming from an observatory place, not in a place where I'm trying to call out or induce shame ... if any of these observations hit home. If anything, it's to provide awareness and clarity.

MOM #2: Now that I am no longer seen or classified as plus size, I now look down on those who are or try to push the gym down their throats.

This is highly laughable to me.

 

If you will allow me to detour and take you on a trip down memory lane ... I promise this has a purpose.

I was allergic to physical activity. Allergic in the sense is that I would try to avoid it or do the bare minimum. I loved anything that stimulated my mind. Any activity that would serve to de-stress.

When it came to anything involving exercise, gym, physical education ... whatever you want to call it ... in my world, that wasn't it. Legit, that setting was one of the few (if not only places) where I did the bare minimum as opposed to going above and beyond. I disliked the discomfort in the team arena, especially during the years when my body was going through changes. Like, who wants to do any type of jumping when you had breasts that went beyond the training bra stage? On top of that, I hated that feeling of being extra sweaty.

I battled with insecurity about my appearance for most of my life. However, that wasn't enough of a needle to sway me in the direction of having to do something about my appearance that would involve movement.

As someone who was brought up on Southern cooking/soul food, I was that person who liked what I liked, and if I even heard that it was made another way or had ingredients in it I wasn't familiar with, just apply that aforementioned gif.

Now ... on with the present.

What I have realized ... and I'm speaking for ME ... is that even when one loses weight, there are remnants of the heavier individual still in there.

It manifests in different ways, and one of the main ways is how I see heavier individuals that are in the gym.

I still feel solidarity with them because I still remember how intimidating going to the gym can be.

When I made my first attempt back in 2013, I was absolutely petrified. There were so many thoughts going on in my head that I almost got back in the car and drove away.

I admit, that scene from Carrie where the pig's blood was dumped on her and Carrie hearing her mother saying "They're all going to laugh at you" played in my head initially. I thought of all of those fit people staring at me as if I didn't belong.

To my relief, I didn't experience that when I first joined back in 2013. Other events (which I addressed in previous entries) put me on hiatus not too long after I joined. It was because I had a positive experience that one of the first things I did when embarking on my Highway to Healthy was to go back to the gym.

The key to sticking to any activity is enjoyment. 

It takes more than motivation.

It takes more than willpower.

It takes more than discipline.

You have to like what you're doing. Otherwise, it won't stick.

The shift in my mentality involving physical activity is finding something in it that I enjoyed.

On my first stint in the gym, I discovered that I liked certain weight machines and walking on the treadmill. I knew that once I returned to the gym, those machines I wanted to continue using.

Upon my return, I made the decision to branch out to find out if there were other machines and types of cardio I enjoyed doing. Some discoveries led me to swap out machines for others while other findings led me to incorporate them on a rotation or on a more frequent basis. Yet, even in the experimentation, I found enjoyment.

Just because I like the gym does not mean I've become a Gym Disciple, spreading the gospel of all who I encounter.

If a person is inspired by what I'm doing, that is an honor, but I'm not one to say, "You have to do what I'm doing."

First off, I'm not a doctor ... I don't know what one's physical limitations are. Secondly, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I say it, the question is: Do you want to do it? Is it something you will enjoy? Do you realize that becoming active isn't a fad or phase but a lifestyle change? If you can answer yes to all those, that represents readiness.

How you get there isn't dictated by me, and I would never look down on anyone, regardless of if you decide to take steps to lose weight or decides you're not ready.

I have gone through experiences since my Highway to Healthy journey where individuals have made either cringy statements or suggested/done activities that had the potential to derail my progress.

Some of the following statements:

"What are you doing that for? You don't need to lose weight."

"Men may not find you attractive if you lose too much."

"Girl, where did your boobs go?"

"You think you're better than me because you're a Skinny Mini."

"You're working out too much."

"You're losing your curves."

"Why are you eating salad?"

"If you're in pain (in this case, the pain was really DOMS = Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness), that means you need to quit working out."

"Why are you building muscle? Are you trying to look like a man?"

Some of the following suggestions/activities:

The suggestion that I should take a vacation from fitness while I'm on vacation

Offering foods that I've expressed I'm no longer eating

Insisting that I have more food when I've stated that I'm full

Acting insulted when I decline food or beverages I no longer eat or drink

Assuming that my palate hasn't changed over the years (re: not asking about any dietary restrictions/eating preferences)

In the rare situation where I permit one to cook for me, unwilling to make healthy substitutions, even when I offer the pay for the substitute ingredients if they aren't in the home

Guilting me for not wanting to go somewhere that doesn't have healthier options or smaller portions available

Giving shade to my sleep schedule (it's paired in conjunction with my workout regimen)

Annoyance at my "Don't disturb" rule as it pertains to my workout

What I'm doing for the benefit of my life shouldn't be this polarizing or such a hot topic for discussion. Yet, because it has been, what was already a small circle of people that I was associating with became even smaller. It causes too much animosity, angst, anxiety ... you name it ... to have individuals who claim to be friends but can't support you enough in being the best version of yourself.

My Highway to Healthy did result in weight loss and eating differently ... it doesn't necessarily manifest that way for everyone. I didn't expect anyone to do it with me, but to at least cheer me on along the way without making yourself a roadblock, you know? 

I don't do the whole back and forth. I've never been one to plead with people to remain in my life. A person should be there because they want to be. 

If who I am currently is no longer for you ...

Nostalgia cannot keep me bound to an individual. Not even time invested. It's what's reciprocal. It's beyond showing up; it's being present.

I am open to newness ... to get to know people through shared activities and interests. That is something that going to the gym, particularly the one that offers fitness classes, has opened the door to. 

No matter where I am in this journey, I will always be an advocate for those improving their lives, especially if being overweight or obese is getting in the way of how they feel about themselves. I will never be that person poking fun, staring, or giving unsolicited advice, for I was on the other side.

I do hope this entry has put this MOM to bed. 

Mental Health Check-In: Continuing Eve-o-lution

 

Greetings everyone! The Unleashed One here. It's been a little over a month since I've arrived at the new twenty-two. There have been so many outlines made of topics I wanted to write about, either on this blog or as a part of my new writing ventures.

Quite honestly, since I've gotten back from my trip to MS, I have been in a status of pause. The momentum I had prior to the trip had not resumed. At first, it was a bit of a sputter, similar to a car traveling down the highway with its emergency lights blinking. Before I realized it, that surge had pulled over to the rest stop, completely out of gas.

It wasn't that my mind wasn't chomping at the bit. There was a disconnect between my mind and my body. I would hear the alarm and request snooze. That is a rarity for me because I'm that type of individual where once I'm up, I'm up. As opposed to running on six to seven hours of sleep on average, I found myself desiring nine to ten hours.

Seriously ... what in the entirety of creation was going on?

It did not smack me until recently that I had been depressed since I returned. It wasn't coming back to NJ that depressed me but the events that happened near the end of my MS trip that I was still processing.

However, that realization was suppressed by everyday activities: going to work, working overtime, doing household chores, and being present for others while being absent for myself. I made myself "too busy to deal".

My catharsis, writing, seemed very far away. By the time I was finished with other activities, the gumption to get my thoughts down plummeted. As for the exercise routine that was in place during the spring and summer, it became clear that it may not work for the fall and winter.

I took time yesterday to reassess my exercise schedule and started the revamp today. I would utilize the weekends to focus on walking and the weekdays to highlight strength training.

Earlier, I opted to take a different walking route. I passed by a church and the spiritual essence of the place lingered. It helped me pinpoint the cause of why I was depressed as well as why it was taking a while to shake off the shackles.

I will not go into the full details here. I have a written journal to divulge the nitty-gritty. However, I will share the conclusions.

(1) There are moments when one goes against Spirit's path. When that happens, there are repercussions.

I had been delivered previously, but there was that tickle of looking back. The questioning: was the cutting with precision or was the prompting from an irrational place? I briefly questioned myself, thinking it was the latter.

What I went through let me know that Spirit was right in the beginning and by retracing my steps, I had gotten in the way of Spirit's work with the individual. I took responsibility in the role for my regression, but in the midst of my depression, I did not give myself the grace to forgive myself.

(2) Not everyone is going to be proud of your progress. Some prefer the way you used to be, even when you know you can never be that person again.

(3) Anyone that shames or opposes the life you've made for yourself—especially if you are happy— will never fit into your life.

(4) Vulnerability is a necessary risk.

(5) Just because you grow doesn't mean your friendships do. At some point, you have to take your longest ones off autopilot and engage. It doesn't mean there are problems, per se, but it's important that everyone is on the same page as to where things go.

Before I conclude, I will leave you with some words from R.I.P.(E). Amazingly enough, today marks three years since its release.

From Can Only Save 1

She stepped outside Herself,

Believed she wanted to keep to Herself,

But when she asked questions outside Herself,

Self acted like it was deaf.

She rose above Herself,

Once concluding answers were within Herself,

Yet the very area she worshipped as a cocoon

Was really a self-inflicted tomb.

She soared beyond Herself,

Looking closely at her physical Self,

Admiring the regal stature of her frame:

Her natural beauty— the unending will to maintain.

It’s sad but necessary to detach yourself

To excavate and connect with the Self

That is forever true.

Sound Off Saturday: Community, Confusion, and Clapback

 

Hello! The Unleashed One here. I know you were expecting an upcoming Shadow Work entry, but I've decided to restart that for January. What I want to speak on today is a trend that I am finding disturbing, along with my own experiences as it pertains to the Highway to Healthy.

In my update, I spoke about the loss of community, as it pertains to those who identify as "plus-sized", "big and beautiful", and "fat". I am going to expand more on that in this entry.

Here is my question:

Why is it when a person who is larger decides to lose weight for any reason, that person is written off as a "traitor" to certain communities? By certain communities, I mean "plus-sized", "fat acceptance", and "health at every size".

In addition ... 

Why do certain people assume that once the pounds drop, that a person will change how she treats other people who are still bigger or who choose not to lose weight or pursue a journey toward health?

In my update, I expressed clearly my reasons for going on my healthy journey, and it had nothing to do with any shame associated with my heavier body. Throughout most of my life, I was chunky and got teased about my size as I was growing up. Therefore, I've had an ongoing battle with my weight damn near my entire life.

Although I came to accept whatever weight I landed on, it would be a lie for me not to recognize that certain tasks and things I wanted to do were becoming impacted with my additional weight.

Also, there are medical ailments that I'm battling that the loss of weight may serve in their elimination. Who wants to battle type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol for the rest of their life?

It was around the fall of 2018 when I noticed the behavior of some people change. There was this one person who went out of her way to reconnect with me, although we hadn't associated in many years. Since this person was not demonstrating any of the characteristics which caused her to fall out of favor, I was willing to sit back and take it day-by-day.

Over time, she would make reference to how small I was getting and making comparisons with herself. One thing to know about me is that I'm not the type to suggest or say that someone should be doing the same activity that I'm doing. I know what works for me may not work for another person.

Yet when she kept bringing it up, it started to become bothersome. Like you don't have to bring up something I'm already aware of. Plus, when she kept speaking on the comparisons, it appeared as if she was trying to shame me for trying to become healthy and for going to the gym multiple times a week. Then, she got it in her head that since I was smaller, I would not want to hang out with her because she was bigger, projecting her insecurities.

Eventually, she and I stopped talking to each other. Perhaps it was for the best. It's not fair to make me feel responsible if you are feeling some type of way about your own self-image. Hell, it's tough enough for me to battle my own internal dialog much less anyone else's projections.

Then, there were others' projections, as to how my "health journey" was supposed to appear and what my "fitness regimen" was supposed to entail.

Although certain foods were eliminated, there were others I believed could be substituted for healthier options or eaten in moderation.

For me, the total elimination of foods I love would result in a setback, and this method decreases that penchant. If I have the food at the time I want it, then there's no need for me to binge because I would have consumed it in the present, as opposed to longing for it in the future.

Then, there were all of the rave reviews of the Keto diet, which I tried for about two weeks. Truly, it is not for me, but I give props to those who are on it.

For me, an eating regimen has to be adaptable to my routine and sustainable as a lifestyle.

Keto wasn't it.

Then, there were the weird looks I got (and continue to get) whenever I do anything related to weight training. Seriously, should all women just be focused on abs and ass?

Yeah, the latter part is what guys tend to look at on a woman ... some don't care if she's fit anywhere else. However, I go to the gym to work out, then walk out, not to see if I can pick up someone.

The decline in weight also made shopping a challenge. One particular incident happened sometime in 2019.

I wanted to take advantage of cashing in my points/dollars. Another shopper was there, and I picked up she was a regular, since she and the customer service reps there were on a first-name basis. While in the midst of picking out clothing to try on, I noticed the lady would keep looking at me while chatting with the store clerk. 

After trying on clothes and settling on what to get, I made my way up to the register. At that point, the lady asked, "Don't you think you're too skinny to be shopping in here? This store is for big girls."

I'm not sure what annoyed me more: the fact that this stranger had the audacity to question my right to shop wherever the hell I wanted, or the fact that the representative of the store did not say that they cater to sizes as small as a 12.

Needless to say, I did not go to that particular location again.

I understand that I no longer fit the physical description of a plus-size woman. However, I've spent more time on this earth being "plus-size" than not. So to automatically get treated with the same dismissal as the heat one places on a stuck-up "skinny bitch" is not cool. 

I do not go around disrespecting "full-figured", "thick", "hefty", "super curvy", "plus-size", "big", or however you want to categorize yourself. I do not tell other people what to do with their bodies. If you want to get in shape, do it. If you want to eat healthier, do it. If you don't want to do anything, hell, do that.

But ... what you aren't going to do is talk out both sides of your mouth.

You can't love me and fit shame me in the same breath. Because what you are saying is that you'd rather have me unhealthy than doing what I feel is necessary to get to a better level of health and living.

To me, that is not love.

You can't love me, but the moment I do something that is unacceptable to you or "the cause" label me a traitor. To that I say ...

No, "health at every size", you betrayed me.

Because "health at every size" is not reserved for the huge members of the spectrum.

It's EVERY. FRIGGING. SIZE. PERIOD.

If YOU don't want EVERY size to be included, then maybe, just maybe, you need to tweak your specifications. If you're not willing to do so, have some sparkling water and ...

I really think it would be simpler for people to do what I normally do, and that is to mind their business. But for those who don't want to adhere to the memo, know this.

(1) If you are not going to support me, then step away. Eliminate yourself. I'm not going to chase after you and best believe I'm not going to cry over you. That's just not how I'm set up.

(2) I'm a spokesperson for a better existence on this planet. I am #TeamMe. Save all that butthurt over what I do with my body for someone else.

(3) Please don't express interest in working out with me and then cancel continuously. I get one or two times, but not every time. I'm that person that still continues what I was going to do regardless. After the 2nd time, I just stop taking you seriously.

(4) Do not insist that I eat certain foods when you know that my eating lifestyle has changed. If you don't know how I'm eating or drinking, then ask. It's better to ask than to create an awkward situation. 

This is my first and only PSA on this. No one needs any side-eye, passive-aggressive, slick-talking, ain't-about-the-business energy heading into next year or any year. 

And on that note ... 

Update: The Highway to Healthy

 

Picture Taken: 12/21/2020

Greetings everyone! The Unleashed One here.

I debated whether to wait until the New Year to do this particular entry. However, what prompted me to do it were as follows:

(1) It has been on my mind for a while, and I wanted to get the process started on working through all of the contents in this entry.

(2) Perhaps someone else is going through the same hiccup but hasn't said much or anything at all because it's not the "traditional" way you are supposed to act or feel.

In short, it's for helping and healing.

Your eyes do not deceive you. I did not use a fancy filter to make my face or body look small. What you see above is how I actually look, give or take a few days.

The standard reaction of how one's supposed to feel ...

• Excited
• Overjoyed
• Sexy
• Confident
• Accomplished

Along with some type of shame over how the previous, heavier, unhealthy you looked.

Now, before I go on, know this:

I do not believe just because someone is heavier that it is synonymous with unhealthy. I am sick of that narrative. I do know people of heavier weights that have no medical conditions whatsoever. I know people who look the "ideal" that are battling with a plethora of health issues.

The first time I attempted a routine to get healthy was back in 2013. It had not been too long after the gym had opened, and I decided to join. The insurance I had wasn't all that great, and I was still employed by the staffing agency on a long term temporary assignment.

The following photo is one I first took at the start. Note: Pardon the awkwardness. I still have not mastered the art of doing a photo in the mirror. 😄

February 2013

March 2013

A few months after these photos, I got married. Then, my mate experienced financial instability. While he looked for work, I took on an additional job. At that stage, it became hard to manage two jobs, still be expected to do traditional wifely duties, and uphold a workout regime. When it came time to cut down expenses, my gym membership hit the chopping block. So did the tiny progress I'd made with exercises and nutrition since the most accessible foods aren't exactly the most health-friendly.

I did feel a bit sad. Exercising gave me a temporary reprieve from any stress I had been experiencing and took me out of the humdrum of working, then going home. It also didn't help when my mate was not one hundred percent supportive. He never wanted to go to the gym with me. Plus, he would keep saying that I looked fine just the way I was.

But it wasn't about looks; it was about health.

See, I didn't even think I was ugly at a heavier weight. However, I did recognize that the pounds were becoming a deterrent.

(1) My diabetes at that point was not well controlled.

(2) Tasks like going up and down stairs exhausted me.

(3) Experiencing pain throughout my body was constant.

(4) My feet and legs would swell up frequently.

(5) At times, breathing was rather difficult.

(6) The ability to find clothes I felt comfortable in wearing declined.

(7) I did not have as much stamina with things I loved doing.

(8) I did not have the stamina to always meet the sexual demands of my mate.

By the fall/winter of 2016, I had begun to reach acceptance as it pertained to my weight. At this juncture, my husband and I were no longer living together (in the process of divorce). I had accepted that the body I had now was the one I was stuck with.

I was dissatisfied with the medical community. Despite my believing that the medication I was on was ineffective, I kept being told that I just needed to "work harder", "apply myself", and "not eat so much". However, I was the type of person that back in those times, only ate once a day, but when I did eat, it was the quality of the food, not the quantity. 

Just before the start of 2017, I decided to peek out at the dating world, but it had been years since I'd done any recent photos. I got a friend to help with some of the photos.

December 2016

August 2017

I confess that I don't know the number. How much I weighed. I didn't own a scale, so it was only when I went to the doctor's office that I'd have a number. But it is over two hundred for sure. 

Yet, even here, I wasn't thrown off by how I looked, just adapting to dressing differently. Seeing what styles worked and what didn't. Branching out of just wearing pants and jeans, which are my automatic. 

Then 2018 hit.

The Super Flu hit.

I was out of work for about three weeks. One of my workers commented that I had lost weight. The only way I picked up on it was because of how my face looked.

I didn't think much about it at first, believing that the weight I had lost would work its way back. It always had in the past. Sure, I did not have any appetite ... it had gone to zilch because of the flu ... but once the flu went on its merry way, the desire to eat like I had would return.

February passed.

Then March and April.

I still didn't have a scale but I knew more weight had dropped off. My clothes were no longer fitting the same. Skin was sagging where it hadn't before.

The sagging of the skin was bothersome to me, and that is what brought me back to the gym in May. I thought to myself, If I can just tone/firm some of this up, I will be okay.

I also started cleaning house, as it pertained to the attendants of my medical care. I dumped my primary care physician for a new one and sought an endocrinologist that would listen to my concerns and put me on medication that would actually help with my diabetes and my cholesterol issues.

With this new dedication to my fitness and health, I once again had to make adjustments to the physical manifestation of changes. 

December 2018

September 2019
(Only the 2nd time in adult life I've worn a bathing suit)

November 2019

Heading into 2019, I encountered a disconnect. Although my body was smaller, I still had the habit of picking up clothes that were my previous size. Or things that fit my old silhouette. Most of the time, I would catch myself. There were a few times I didn't. Some of the items I was able to return. Some were final sale. Luckily, at this stage, my friend could wear that particular size.

I also struggled with the donating of clothes, wondering if I should hold on to some. Simply because there was that nagging thought, "What if the weight comes back? At least I'll have these clothes on standby."

It was not until the later part of 2019 that I went through the process of donating some of the "way too big clothing", as in the size 18, 20, even the scant 22s that ran small. Although if I had to guess, I was actually close to a size 12 at around the end of 2019. So ... even then ... I was a few steps behind.

In hindsight, perhaps I should have set a number goal. I opted not to do it because in the past when I would, I'd beat myself up for not hitting the number. I didn't want to get obsessed over a number. I wanted to focus on the actual journey and the benefits. More importantly, I was working so that I could hear the words from my endocrinologist that I could stop taking my diabetes medication.

I am excited about the benefits of the journey. I have more energy to do activities. I do not have to take strong medication on a daily basis to manage my pain. The quality of my sleep has improved. These improvements make me feel overjoyed.

I did have sexy and confident moments in the latter part of 2019. Jeggings and leggings became part of my wardrobe when I'd always rock wide leg and boot cut. I appreciated how my legs looked in them. I tried out prints that I ran from before.

I was having fun, but I also figured I had reached the end of the journey. Reason being that I had reached a plateau with the weight. At this stage, I didn't mind, figuring I could finally start getting more clothes without having the fear that I'd have to readjust.

When the pandemic hit, my typical workout routine was altered significantly. I relied heavily on the availability of the gym for exercise, so when the gyms closed, I had a hard time finding substitutions that would produce the same result. Also, with most of us working from home, I had to adapt to working from home while trying to find a way to maintain my accomplishments.

When I went to see my endocrinologist for a follow up on my bloodwork in mid-2020, I did gain about twelve pounds (Yes, I finally got a scale 😄). But once I had reached a decent number (which I felt I had in 2019), I hadn't stepped on it that often.

Although I did explain to my endocrinologist that the impact of COVID was a primary culprit, there was concern expressed that I'd fallen off the wagon.

All I could think was I'll show you.

Once the gyms reopened across the way, I made it a point to find a way to incorporate the routine in my schedule, along with my newfound love for outdoor walks. Since I have more energy in the mornings, that did involve getting up a few hours earlier than my work shift on the weekdays. Sure, there were moments when I had to switch to the afternoons, but I was more open to amending exercising than not doing it altogether. 

I also went into the habit of weighing myself more. Primarily to know how much weight I lost on average as well as being able to pinpoint what factors would cause loss to stall or even gain. 

• When I'm on my period ... forget about it. #StupidWaterWeight

• When I don't have a bowel movement, there's a huge fluctuation in my weight. (I'll cover that in a separate entry because I haven't moved "normally" since after the flu).

• If I slip up and have too much rice, it seems to translate to pounds immediately. 😮

Doing this just really helped me be realistic ... that the loss of weight is more like a wave than a straight line. It keeps me from being overly hard on myself. When my weight increases, I usually know what contributes to it. I brush myself up and get back to business.

But ... silly me still didn't set my number. I just wanted to prove that I'm not that person to be written off due to a minor setback.

March 2020 (just before the shutdown)

September 2020
(Think I look pretty good,
although on my cycle that day)

And ... just like that, no more plateau.

The cycle (Acknowledging, Acceptance, and Adaptation) has begun once more, now looking at my wardrobe like ... 

Now, we are back to where we started. The picture of me that you saw before.

So ... how am I feeling? 🤔🤔🤔

I was having a random conversation with Yasmin. It was a little about this subject ... having to go through readjustment.

I said out loud, "What size am I now? I can't shop at the stores I used to." By stores I'm used to, I speak of Torrid and Ashley Stewart, and even with them, I had been going with the smallest sizes they offered.

I was casually looking at the Old Navy website, using their 'True Size' thing, which touted I was a size 8.

I looked in the mirror (yes, I have a full-length one that doubles as a jewelry armoire), then shook my head. "Old Navy says I'm an 8, but I doubt it."

Yasmin said, "No, I think you're an eight. I used to be super small, remember?"

I shrugged, still in doubt. But some of my workout clothes were getting two sizes too big. After my workout, I walked over to Forman Mills and saw a good buy on some two-piece sets. This is one of the ones I purchased. In my mind, I was still doubtful that it was the correct size. But I had never been this size to even judge whether Yasmin was in error. 

I put it on, expecting it not to fit at all ... and yet, it did. Not super snug, but proper.

I am feeling ... 😶

Stunned: because I did not anticipate that I would get to this level of smallness

Conflicted: because I have not tapped into the beauty of this frame, along with the loss of community I've experienced since going on this journey. Loss of community in terms of once being plus-size and having those same ones shun me because in their eyes I'm a "skinny-mini", even though my treatment towards the community has not and will not change. I still love them.

Apprehensive: because of what is said when people think you've lost too much ... "sickly", "not feminine anymore", etc, but it's more about Grandma and less about "people", feel me?

Along with having feelings of

Numbness and distortion, both visually and emotionally: 

On most days, I'm so into the routines that I don't pause to really reflect. When I work out, it's this immense tunnel vision. I'm focused on what I have to do and how I want to do it.

However, I don't spend a lot of time staring in the mirror because when I do, I fall into cherry-picking ... the "I like, but" ... because sometimes, hitting one goal brings the spotlight on more work that has to be done.

For example ...

"I like how defined my legs are, but I wish I didn't have so much sagging skin on my thighs."

"The tummy is coming along but there's that small flap and all the stretch marks".

"It's becoming a challenge to work out with the extra breast tissue. It's time to look into the lift and breast reduction I've pondered on for some years."

Coupled with ...

Missing aspects and attributes of the heavier me: because there was certainty with her. Who is reflected now is a whole new horizon.

I said all of that to say this ...

• There's nothing wrong with having varying emotions on the Highway to Healthy. You can feel over the moon with accomplishment and "what the hell is going on" at the same time. A person should not be made to have to choose one over the other.

• One getting started on a wellness journey may have little or nothing to do with the dissatisfaction with one's physical appearance. Not everyone's beginning is the same.

• Having people go on the ride with you is helpful but don't fear going at it alone if you have to. 

• Dream abs are based on the blessing of genetics and nutrition more so than any dream creams, potions, or magic workouts. Don't think because you lose weight that six-pack abs just show up. On some individuals, depending on their fat percentage, the abs may never show.

• Being a smaller weight does not automatically mean that all medical problems are eliminated. In some cases, new challenges can arrive.

• The Highway to Healthy is a long-term commitment. It's the only way to ensure that the results stick.

• Have a set point in mind. That way, once you get to it, you can adjust your mindset and focus on maintenance. Also, don't let anyone else's number dictate your number.

• Find the characteristics that you love about yourself every step of the way. It helps when you experience a setback or have moments when you're not feeling as self-assured.

Okay, I think that about covers it.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. It was very daunting to be this hella vulnerable with everyone, particularly all of the full-body shots ... lol. But, if I've helped even one person, then this makes it all worthwhile.