Queen of Spades presents Reflections of Soul (Coming Soon)

Book cover by Kali Monroe of Fancy Face Kreations

Reference:  Projects--Past, Present, and Future; 2013--One Shots and Continuous

Hello, all:

This is a bit of an update regarding one of the projects I'm putting the final touches on, entitled Reflections of Soul.  


Reflections of Soul is one of my shorter poetry collections totaling about 56 pages.  After hearing such positive feedback from two fellow writers, Angela Lykebudda White and Andrew Boyd, I decided to make CreateSpace my first spot for distribution of this work.

However, I am saddened that there's no hardcover option through them.  I admit I have a soft spot for hardcovers (nice play on words there), so a part of me may still entertain Lulu (who I did my first two works with) just to have that option of hardcover.

I'm waiting to hear back from CreateSpace.  As soon as everything is finalized, I will share information on how to get your copy of this work.

I would like to give so much thanks to Kali Monroe of Fancy Face Kreations.  No, she and I have never met face to face (this has to get rectified soon), but I feel a definite closeness to her.  She has such a vibrant, honest energy about her, and she is creative gold with everything she touches.  I am blessed to have her in my corner.


The more detailed description can be found on Queen of Spades' blog--A Queen's Ramblings.  I will be taking excerpts from it to give a more detailed synopsis of how this particular writing came into formation.

Background from A Queen's Ramblings:

...It has been about seven years since I've actively published.  Private Pain, although I think the work was needed and necessary, proved to be a lot more exhausting on an emotional scale than originally anticipated.  I felt extremely exposed, and I wasn't sure if I would be that comfortable in sharing in that way again.  I did that work, and there were so many things going on in the background.  It was a miracle that work even made it into print.

...Once my long term relationship ended, I was running on below E, yet I didn't know how long it would take for me to even get back to where I was, much less at E.  I had lost so much of who I was, and then I wondered if I ever defined who I was to begin with.

Before the relationship became an unstable roller coaster, there was a great deal of inspiration.  This drove me to compose a collection inspired by the writings of this other person.  These pieces were written in the span of about three months back in the year 2003.  After the disillusion of the bond in 2008, I debated as to whether to destroy these pieces, since I could not look at them in the beginning without all of the negative things flowing back in.

Each time I started to, a voice would say, "Queen, don't do it."

...One day, earlier this year, while doing a bit of Spring Cleaning, I discovered the collection again.  This time around, I didn't feel the anger or the twinge of pain.  I just felt an appreciation for the work and was glad for the inspiration behind it.  I realized I still had things I wanted to say.  I also realized the only way I could really put things behind me was to go ahead and publish the work.

I am glad for the reemergence.  Thanks to everyone who has supported me.

Enjoy your weekend!

Peace.

I Don't Know How To Quit You: 2nd Job Insanity

My name is No Labels, and I confess.  I have strong workaholic tendencies. 

I think it started off in my childhood.  I always admired my grandparents.  Even though both of them were retired, they always found ways to keep active.  I rarely saw either one of them very still for very long—until they both started to decline in health.  My grandpa would always wake up early to do yard work or if the car needed an oil change, he would do that.  He would have his time to look at TV, but when he was driving, he would always find a way to get out the house.  He was always doing something.

My grandma’s biggest thing was cleaning.  Being productive.  At times, even rearranging furniture to a new location.  Grandpa wasn't always around or available at the time she wanted to do these things, so she and I could easily be found moving around a couch on our own.  Not saying it was smart, but as women, we did what we had to do.

I am starting to recognize that the strong can teeter towards borderline toxic.  It is hard to really pick up right away.  You are just proud of yourself to being so determined and so motivated.  That’s the overall feeling at first. 

However, if the productivity isn't truly appreciated and valued…

If the workaholic effort leaves you more drained than invigorated and empowered…

If the ends are really not justifying the means…

Then, it is definitely time to start re-evaluating the situation.

I said all this to lead into my situation with my second job.  There had been baby earthquakes popping up here and there, but some things really started coming to head.  Honestly, dating back to when this new guy took over the travel plaza.

Yes, I agree the other lady needed to go.  She was a bit lackadaisical.  She’s one of those types that had been in power for so long that she just wanted to sit back and collect a paycheck.  I don’t think she was as proactive as she needed to be as far as the welfare of her employees as well as the plaza.  

When inspections came, the higher ups decided to clean house.  The other head guy was fired; they gave her the option to step down or transfer.  

However, in the cleaning house, they should have gotten rid of this other guy, too (who I will deem as Mr. C.).

Imagine a stockier version of Ned Flanders but with a Donald Trump like toupee.  Put those two together and you have Mr. C.  

The reason I say they should have gotten rid of Mr. C. is because he is similar to the other lady they transferred.  He’s been in management power for so long he just wants to get a paycheck.  He passes on his duties to this other lady, who I've nicknamed The Dragon, yet takes all the credit.  He takes shortcuts which are very unethical.  Also, he isn't honest when it comes to adhering to people’s availability and schedules (which I’ll definitely be expanding on).  Plus, he doesn't know nearly as much as he needs to know to have all the power that he does have, yet he gets upset when he is called out on it.  I could go on and on, but I think that is enough meat to sink your teeth into.

The other guy (I’ll deem him Mr. M) wanted to make all these changes.  The issue I have is the fact that he makes sudden changes and assumes they have been communicated with other members of the staff.  

One change he decided to make was that the Travel store would be open at 6 am instead of 7 am and would close at 10:30 pm instead of 9:30 pm on weekdays.  Hours for the weekends would be 6 am-11:30 pm.  

Since I am one of the people who do mornings on weekends, did anyone reach out to me to check and see if those hours would be feasible for me?

No.  I didn't get one phone call from Mr. M. or from Mr. C. (who does my schedule) to let me know about these changes.  They know I have another job.   I just felt like a little courtesy was in order.

As it turns out, the one hour bump up isn't feasible for me because of the fact that during the weekends, The Sweetie doesn't work a full eight hour shift.  

Since the buses don’t start running in my neck of the woods until seven, I have to have time to go and pick him up, drop him off at the apartment, and then make my way to work.  I could still do that with my schedule being at seven.  It wasn't going to be feasible with my coming in at six.

My first correspondence with them was letting them know I didn't take too kindly to them not notifying me of the changes in store hours.  I also let them know that I couldn't come in at six am on Saturdays and Sundays and to consider it my two weeks’ notice.

Mr. C. went into panic mode.  He ensured me that he would find hire someone to come in and do early Saturday and Sunday mornings and then he could put me on a later shift---like an 8-4 or a 9-5.  He asked me if that would be feasible for me.  He didn't want me to go since I was such a good, dependable worker. 

So I temporarily held off.

Mr. C. did hire three new people.  Then, I found out that Mr. M wanted the travel plaza to be open 24 hours, putting us in direct competition with Sunoco, which already is open 24 hours.

So now, I’m wondering if these people are mainly going to be overnight rather than someone to cover early shift on the weekends.  I got told only one person was doing overnight, the other one was doing midday to help out Dragon Mon-Fri, and the third person would be doing day shift on the weekend.

However, Mr. C. lied, not just to me but to one of the people that he hired.  

The one lady, who only agreed to work there because Mr. C. said she would definitely have weekends off, got a rude awakening when he started scheduling her for midday hours over the weekend.  The situation got nasty because Dragon went and told Mr. C. that the lady (who I deem Do What I Want) wasn't going to come in on Sunday (the last Sunday in April).  It wouldn't have been such a big deal except I was training the new girl (who I will deem Can’t Count Change), so I wouldn't have anyone to really cover my break.  Do What I Want was going to tell Mr. C. privately, but Dragon overhead what she said, and immediately went and told Mr. C.  

Then, Mr. C. instead of discussing it with Do What I Want privately decides to be snooty and put her on blast, asking “Do you have a problem with the schedule?”  When Do What I Want let him know about the situation regarding babysitting for her seven month old son, she reminded him of the initial agreement she thought they had regarding her being hired.  Mr. C. looked at Do What I Want and without missing a step said, “I never had that agreement with you.”  

I see the Dragon smirking—she is that type that throws the rock, hides her hand, and then tries to act like she’s your friend.  So of course, Do What I Want is upset and understandably so. 

Her attitude becomes different, and she begins taking it out on other people, which I had to deal with the following day, while I was training Can’t Count Change.  I understand she was mad at Dragon and Mr. C., but I’m not the major problem, and neither was the other co-worker (who I will deem Hard Working but Gets No Credit).  She got really nasty with Hard Working after I left that day, and ended up leaving her shift early.  She was scheduled until six but left at around 4:30.

Since I had made multiple complaints about the Dragon, Mr. C. had given his word that he wouldn’t schedule Dragon and I on the same shift together.  However, that word was broken when on two Saturdays, I had to end up dealing with her.  She doesn’t talk to me—she barks orders at me like I’m some type of dog.  With her, I act passive because that’s not how you address me.  I’m the type of person who is proactive.  I don’t sit around waiting for someone to tell me what to do—I know what needs to be done, so I just do it.  

If I disagree with something, she will go and constantly complain about me to management in an attempt to get me fired.  What she did on the last Saturday of the month (which was the same day the incident between her and Do What I Want happened) was my breaking point—the extent at which she lied.  It was all because I refused to do a task she was supposed to be doing.  She claimed I called her something derogatory, and the term she said I used I would NEVER use because The Sweetie is of that heritage.  That really incensed me.

Also, I began noticing that my health wasn't as great as it had been.  The progress I had been making in my levels started to backslide.  The doctor in his last visit expressed great concern and said I should cut down my hours or quit the job altogether.  It was okay as long as my hours were kept to two days a week. 

However in the weeks before I decided to leave, my hours had increased.  One week, I was working four days a week.  I just felt like my availability wasn't being respected, nor was my medical condition, although I let them know the details of my medical condition.

It also didn’t help when I found out Can’t Count Change was being trained to help out with overnight, not with morning shift on the weekend.  So I found out Mr. C. lied to me.  If he could lie so easily to Do What I Want, then what’s to stop him from lying to other people just to get them to stay?

On that Sunday, I was like, “What am I doing here?”  The ends just weren't justifiable anymore.  I was dealing with a manager that wouldn't reprimand his lead, no matter how many complaints she has received from other employees about her treatment of them as well as her mannerisms.  I was dealing with a lead that had it in for me.  The new people they were bringing in were lazy and disrespectful, and the progress I was making in my health was declining. 

My hair had started to come out again, and that was the ultimate warning sign for me: I had to get away from there.  

Two weeks be damned!  I attempted to give it to them before, but Mr. C. lied so that I would stay.  The company allowed treatment that was dishonorable towards me, so in my eyes, due to the fact that my health was involved, I didn’t feel justified in giving them two weeks.  Because knowing them, they would try to talk me out of it or convince me to stay.  This time, I just wasn’t having it.

I presented them with formal written documentation—fax and hard copy.  I also gave back my badge.  May 1^st was my resignation date.

As of this typing, although they have clearly received everything (I keep copies of everything), my name is still on their schedule. 

I have not shown up for work.  No call and no show is something I don’t do.  They know this about me.  They also know that unless it is doctor related, I don’t miss two days back to back.  I didn't show up the first weekend after I quit.  I didn't show up this past weekend.  I won’t be showing up this Thursday.

Since leaving there, my levels are becoming more stable.  I am able to eat at earlier hours, better hours.  I am able to eat healthier and on a more consistent basis.  The hair is in the process of repairing.  I feel like such a huge weight has been lifted off me since leaving that place.

I know I’m a good worker and a hard worker, but I have to know when to walk away when I’m being disrespected.  Not regarding my health is disrespect to me.  

Going what I went through in my other job taught me a very important lesson.  No one is going to care more for my well being than me, and if I don’t hold my well being in high regard, I can’t expect anyone else to.  I decided to put a greater price tag on me, which has resulted in me using “No” more and prioritizing how high money is on the overall scheme of things.  I’m not saying money isn't important, but it’s no longer trumping health. 

I’m sticking to my decision, no matter how much they are seemingly refusing to honor my exit.

Peace.

What's Happening: The Breakdown.

Hmm...can you guess which show this is from?  This definitely means I am showing my age (LOL).

Greetings everyone!

How has everyone been doing?  I know it has been a little while since I have checked in.  It hasn't been all bad but it hasn't exactly been all good either.  I've been debating whether to start with the good or with the bad.  I’ll just pick a spot and go from there.

Exercise: The Doldrums

As far as exercise wise, April wasn't a good month for me.  I started off strong but then midway, I got sidelined by an infection that put me out of commission for a week.  Perhaps it was even longer because I started exhibiting symptoms about a week before that, but I was trying to dismiss them as old fashioned fatigue.  However, it got so bad I did cave in and call the doctor.  He let me know it was much worse, and due to my ongoing medical condition, it increases my chances of getting infections regularly.  Although the worst part is over with, my stamina isn't quite up to where it was before.

I have gone to the gym a few times since then.  I noticed that I haven’t lost much in terms of strength but my endurance for cardio has declined somewhat, so I have to start rebuilding from there.  In addition, I've had more time to do things around my apartment, so using some good old fashioned elbow grease, moving around a few items to and from, as well as going up and down two flights of stairs has proved to be a substitute until I can get my gumption back.  The last time I went to the gym was this past Thursday—as a measuring stick. 

Jobs:  Moving and Shaking

Well, I will go into more detail about this in a separate blog, but to make a long story short, I am minus one job. 

Blog Presence: Why So Stagnant

I will be covering some of this in a separate blog also.  It isn't because I’m not interested in blogging anymore.  It is mainly because I have been working hard on some writing projects I am completing.  What started off as my stopping at two ended up turning into four.  I’m being productive.  

However, a lot of times, when I’m in the thick of writing poetry or short stories, it’s a different energy from when I’m writing a blog.  However, all of these projects are nearly completion, so I’ll be back in the fold with a more prominent blog presence very soon.  Plus, it’s also very hard for me to be on social sites—Facebook and Twitter.  I get tunnel vision when I’m in creation mode. 

Life: Tidal Waves

The past few years, May has proven to be a very difficult month.  On the 5^th, two years ago, I lost my grandfather to cancer.  On this year, it was the Thursday before Mother’s Day, so my grandma doesn't have the same type of enthusiasm about Mother’s Day as she once did.  Then, on the 19^th, the longest relationship I had ever been in ended—this will mark five years since that has happened.  I've done a better job at coping when the depression hits, but it does still hit.  When it does, I find I have to step away from some things, although I haven’t been stepping away for as long, and that is definitely a good start.

I have been revisiting talking to someone, but the last time I tried, there was little progress.  No one really got to the meat of the matter.  Some just weren't good fits for me.  It wasn't the bouts of being uncomfortable that bothered me as long as I was able to put some things in proper perspective.  It was how certain issues got compartmentalized when I just had a feeling things went much deeper than just a classic “lady who has mommy and daddy issues.”  So I stopped.  Yet, my main hesitation is that I may get placed back on antidepressants, and that I do not want.  I honestly feel like a lot of my battles have less to do with chemical imbalance and more to do with talking to someone to come to terms with the things I have experienced in my life.

More to come in a little while.

Peace.

Therapy Session: Talk With My Grandpa

(hopping in the passenger side while Grandpa and I ride off to have one of our talks)

Dear Grandpa,

I can't believe it's been two years since your physical body has been gone.  I wanted to sit and chat with you for a while.

You may have noticed that although I was up early this morning, I wasn't headed into work.  I weighed out the pros and cons and ultimately decided that I had to leave the second gig.

The first time I tried to give formal two weeks was in early April because the store manager made a sudden decision to have the plaza open up at six instead of seven, yet I wasn't even consulted as to whether this would be feasible for me.  This didn't make sense to me since I was the only one who could work during that time frame on the weekends.  The job my fiance' has is overnight but on the weekends sometimes, he gets off a bit early before the buses run.  It was tough enough trying to do that just before heading in at seven, so I knew six would be practically impossible.

Out of respect, I put in two weeks.

Then, Sneaky Coon (he doesn't even deserve the title of Mister--I'll explain later) tells me he is willing to work with me and he would be bringing in some more people and possibly put me on a different shift.  Since he said he would bring in some more people, I did agree to stick around a little longer.  However, in hindsight, I feel like he did that just to ensure I wouldn't go right away.

Then, a little after that, I got very ill--ended up with an infection that took me out of work from both jobs for about a week.  I admit I haven't gotten back into my exercise routine yet, and I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, though I do feel bad.  I'm still trying to stay on top of my eating but it's been a struggle trying to get back what little appetite I tend to have.

Sneaky Coon hires three new girls, so of course, Angel (the short Ecuadorian guy) and I have to train them.  I do feel like he and I aren't getting paid training money.  Isn't that what Ruth (who I always refer to as the Dragon Lady) supposed to do as part of her role as lead?  Maybe I'm lost but I thought that is what leaders do.

You have probably picked up Dragon Lady and I do not get along because of the way she treats me.  I'm like you, Grandpa.  I don't like people talking at me.  People who talk at me I don't give the time of day to, so I admit to being a bit passive-aggressive when it comes to her.

Well, the past couple of weeks before my departure, Sneaky Coon had started piling up the hours on me.  The doctor told me it would be best for me to leave the job if he wasn't going to keep me at two days a week.  It is hard for me to stay on a set schedule for eating and testing mainly because of things at the 2nd job.  Sneaky Coon said it was to make sure the new girls were fully trained and after that he would cut down my hours, but the weeks were getting a bit tough on me, and there was a bit of drama with some of the new people.

One girl was specifically supposed to be hired for overnight shift.  This other girl said that Coon promised her she was only to work Mon-Fri for midday and give her weekends off, like one of the other girls he had with the company beforehand, who had the same first name as her.  She also said Coon told her that these other hours were just for training purposes.

Well, Coon didn't keep his word to neither one of them, which I'll explain in a little bit.

One Saturday I just got to my breaking point.  Usually, Dragon Lady and I do not work together but there had been a few recent Saturdays where she had requested some of her normal days off so it ended up putting us together.  She was trying to pass off something to me that was clearly her responsibility and it didn't make sense to me.  I told her that it made more sense for me to get the store stocked than to stay on register when we had someone coming in at 10 to take over for register.  She goes to Coon to try and get me fired, although later on Coon agrees with my point of view.

Then, the new girl (the one that was only supposed to do Mon-Fri) finds out Coon scheduled her on Sunday 12-8 and says in front of Dragon Lady and me she wasn't coming in but she would let Coon know personally during break or at the end of shift.  Dragon Lady was foaming at the mouth to tell the information (because she is messy like that), and Coon (because he is also unprofessional) proceeds to confront the girl on this in public rather than behind closed doors about the situation.  The new girl brought up the conversation about her scheduling and Coon says that they never had that conversation, which I feel is total bull.  The girl would have never agreed to it if she wasn't going to have quality time with her little baby.

Plus, I'm seeing at the corner of my eye that Dragon is smirking the whole time because she doesn't want anyone to always have weekends off except for her.

The thing which really convinced me things weren't going to change and that this job was causing me excess stress is that I've started losing some of my hair again, plus the bleeding issue I had before started up.  Also, I found out from the girl I was training on Sunday they mainly got her to help the overnight girl.  Therefore he still didn't hire anyone else to do mornings during the weekends, so Sneaky Coon wasn't being upfront. He was just saying it to hold on to me.

Usually, I would just put in another two weeks but Grandpa, these people refused my first two weeks' notice.  I just didn't want to take the chance of them trying to talk me out of it, plus I have to get myself fully healthy again.  Citing my medical reasons, I submitted copies of my resignation along with my badge, yet they still put me on the schedule for this weekend, as if they are thinking I'd change my mind.

I didn't come.

No amount of money is worth my health.  I made the wrong choice years ago, and I'm paying for it.  I almost paid a greater price with my life.  I have learned my lesson.

I haven't been talking to Mom much.  I do see these messages on FB that have been a bit disturbing, but I'm not sure how true they are.  It's sad that I have to see something and wonder if she's being truthful.  You know from your own experiences there are times when she comes up with things just to get attention.

Do you know that she's engaged?  I think she's been married enough times.  I don't think it's the guy that used to be on drugs that had you worried.  I find it laughable that she thought that you would approve of him.  It could be this detective guy.  I just feel like each time she makes the wrong choice.  She should focus on trying to be a better mom, at least to her youngest daughter.  All the rest of us are grown.  It's sad but I think she did it just because of the fact that I'm engaged.

Speaking of engaged, I'm still with the same guy you met a few months before you passed away.  About seven months after you passed away, he did propose to me, I know you've probably been wondering what has been taking so long.  Well, he and I were trying to save back the money and we were on the right track, but it wasn't really the money that fell apart.  It was more of the people who were supposed to be in our wedding party.  I didn't feel like coming up with brand new people to be in the wedding nor have to go through the whole process all over again with organizing and what not.  Originally, the big ceremony was to take place less than six months from now on November 3rd, which would have marked our four year anniversary.

I realize time is precious and that I can have something bigger a bit later.  Therefore, it will happen next month--two witnesses, justice of the peace, and us.  I think it will be a lot less drama that way.  A few days ago, we secured the matching bands.

I do admit I am a little bit nervous.  Were you nervous?  I envy the Sweetie.  He seems pretty calm, cool, and collected.  I think it is mainly because he wanted to marry me a lot earlier but I was the main one that wanted to wait.

Getting married is a big deal.  I don't see how people can go through the process multiple times.  I don't want to be like, Mom.  If Mom marries this guy, it'll be her fourth marriage.  I'm not saying she can't date.  I just want to know who she really is without having a man around, and I don't think she even knows who that person is.

I'm nervous about motherhood, too.  No, I'm not pregnant. (Don't give me that look.)  I'm sticking to my guns to do things in a certain way.  I'm concerned because of how I am medically along with my age.  I know women have been waiting until later, but I was hoping to have gotten finished with childbirth by the time I had reached 32, not being mid 30's just getting started.  I'm sure I can talk to Grandma about it, but I know Grandma misses you and thinks about joining you from time to time.  It just sucks I don't have that bond with my mom to discuss these types of things with her, since she wasn't a good role model for that.  Luckily with the help of close ones who already have children they can give guidance and coaching, perhaps even babysitting services.

Since my decision to leave the second job, the stress induced bleeding has subsided.  The unfortunate hair loss will take some time to repair.  It is in a different spot than before and not as huge, so enough hair is covering it up.  I've been doing little exercises here and there--some in the form of cleaning--but haven't been revved up to get back to the gym.

The dark clouds still linger, although not as bad.

I miss you.  I had some maple syrup on some pancakes today and was thinking of you.  Plus, I saw some of that hard peppermint candy you like.  So many things make me feel like you are in the room.  Did you know Peter Pan has peanut butter that doesn't have the high fructose corn syrup (since I can't have a lot of that)?  It taste just as good as the normal one you liked to get.  You would put it on crackers more so than on bread, but you loved it.

I know you wouldn't want me to cry.  You would want me to smile.  You would want me to still be full of hope and continue to fight.  I admit, I've felt a bit knocked down and my light has been dim.

I will smile.  I will rise and fight.  Because through the pain, your spirit continued to rise and fight, and so much of what composes me stems from you.

Love always.

Projects: Past, Present, and Future

Greetings everyone!

I know one hasn't seen much of me lately, but I have been pretty busy.  There are two present projects I am attempting to complete.

Present:

The first one is in its' final stages.  The final touches are getting placed on the book cover.  The interior (the content) has been approved and has met specifications.  It has been an ongoing battle in me whether this particular poetry collection would even become published.  I've been writing poetry since I was eleven, and there will probably be lots of writing that won't make it to the grand stage.  However, this collection isn't one of them.  It is entitled Reflections of Soul.  My goal is to release it on a specific date, for it marks the anniversary of a specific event.  I know I am cutting it close, but I am determined to get it done.

The second one is also in the final stages.  After much debate, I've decided to do a regular version as well as a deluxe version.  The deluxe version will feature a short story that I've written, giving people a glimpse at my short story collection that I'm aiming to release at the end of next year.  It is entitled Eclectic.

Past:

The amount of care I have put on these two present projects has inspired me to go back and do some tweaking on my two earlier projects, Spaded Truths and Private Pain.  I will be revamping as well as re-releasing those works, either later this year or the early part of next year.

Future:

I've been reading a lot of wonderful short stories from Goodreads as well as Smashwords.  It has given me a lot of inspiration.  I do want to try my hand at writing some short stories.  End of next year is the goal, and the working title is Continuous Drips.

Also, a few of my other writing personalities want their chances to shine.  The one who's a bit more erotic, Synful Desire, will be coming out with her collection.  The working title is Journeys.

The other personality that is a bit darker, Da'Kharta Rising, is working on a project entitled Dark Quill.  Although it is novel like, it will read at times like poetry.  There's no set date on when that one will be done.  Like she would say, "When it's finished, it's finished."

I will give a more personal update in the near future, but I did want to peek in to keep everyone informed.

Have a wonderful day!

Acting a Fool: DMX and Fix My Life

This is one of my favorite tracks by DMX.  I particularly chose this one because part of the lyrics mirror my sentiment regarding DMX and his appearance on Iyanla's "Fix My Life"

Ya’ll gone make me act a fool (up in here, up in here)
Ya’ll gone make me lose my cool (up in here, up in here)

One show I really like to look at on OWN (the Oprah Winfrey Network) is Iyanla Vanzant’s “Fix My Life.” 

I was a fan of Iyanla before due to her books because a lot of the things she has gone through, particularly as it pertained to self-esteem and her struggles with relationships, I can identify with. I have a lot of respect for her and what she’s doing.

She also gets my props for still having grace in the face of situations where she could’ve acted a fool and still received a fist pound.

The biggest instance of this was the recent episode of “Fix My Life” which started its’ new season this past Saturday. The person she was trying to help was DMX.

I predicted DMX would be a challenge, but I really wasn't fully prepared for how outlandish he could act until I saw the way he talked to Iyanla, especially towards the end when he called her out her name.

Link to Iyanla Fix My Life episode

It’s just a shame how DMX has deteriorated, and I hope that he gets the help he needs.

The part that really stung the most was when his son, Xavier, took a huge step in trying to get past the pain and the anger of the behaviors of his father. Iyanla made Xavier see him as a sick person who needs help, and it made his son willing to forgive and wanting to start over, but only if he could get a healthy dad.

I don’t think there’s nothing wrong with that request.

Yet, DMX twisted it as if his son was placing conditions on the love, and as a result, the reconnection attempt was rejected. I found myself tearing up, followed by anger at how he disrespected Iyanla.

Now, he has the nerve to get upset at Iyanla and claims that the show “made his life worse” and that “his image was tarnished.”

DMX says "Fix My Life" ruined his life.

No, DMX tarnished his own image with drugs and the behaviors he has exhibited as a result of that type of dependence. He doesn't have a good relationship with his children because he chose to have a deeper relationship with drugs.

He cannot build the relationships he has broken until he fixes himself; he is a walking wound that is overflowing with pain and suffering.

It won’t get fixed by denial; it will get fixed the moment he gets real with himself and gets help.

He may have to hit his ultimate rock bottom for that to get done.

For DMX to even think that his children would want to get closer to him without his taking steps also was futile and counterproductive.

Now, he wants to get mad at Iyanla?

Side Note: I don't think DMX would have gotten away with that madness if it would have been Oprah there instead of Iyanla.  I just picture the spirit of Sophia from The Color Purple taking over and giving him what for.  

The show isn’t just about Iyanla being able to provide clarity and guidance. The participants have to be willing to put in work, too. She’s no magician. If a person isn’t willing to take the advice or put in work, then things will remain the same, no matter how much of a presence Iyanla has.

Peace.