Sunday, January 13, 2019

Unscripted

There is no such thing as "not seeing" something once you've seen it. It's all about how what you've seen is processed.

Aside from the announcement of R.I.P.(E).'s release, it has been over a year since I've blogged here. There are two posts that were in draft mode (one in December 2017 and one in March 2018) that were started but didn't get completed. I can't say for sure why they didn't get finished. The waves of life, I suppose.

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There are many things I've discovered about myself. Some of these realizations I already knew. Yet, when I attempted to talk about those topics, I wasn't taken seriously. I wasn't believed. I was left to deal the best way I knew how. It was how writing became my catharsis. What I was not permitted to speak, I wrote. 

It may have not been the best coping mechanism: going into myself and trying to deal. Yet, what can you do without a true support system or listening ear? How can you put the healing balm on the places on yourself you can't reach, yet everyone else wants you to be their sage ... to rinse out the muck and the mire, mostly due to their self-inflicted toxicities?

It makes one have a love/hate relationship with humanity.

Look, I'm not going to pretend that this is going to be in any type of structure. This entry may seem connected and disjointed all at once. Yet there's a calling deep within, like someone needs to see or to hear this. As if it's not for my own healing.

Do what you will. I don't do this for sightings; I do this for soul.

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Over the course of 2017 and 2018, there was a lot of moving and shaking in my life. I made the decision on the birthday of 2015 that my marriage was officially over. He wasn't willing to go through counseling, and I wasn't going to push myself to make it work with someone who didn't care whether he stayed or went. And on top of that, had the nerve to disrespect me on my birthday. Kicking him out was the first step.

To be an additional pain in the behind, he ducked and dodged for about a year and half before everything was finalized in March 2017. I experienced a lot of emotions in the between time but the one that came out on top was freedom. I was free to define myself the way I saw fit, no longer "so and so's" significant other.

Certain activities I let go of because it was stuff I did for the compromise of coupledom. Other activities I brought back because I enjoyed them, they were a part of me, and they were pleasing to my sanity.

Many people asked me what happened. The ones who were the closest to me knew all the details. All the rest wanted something to talk about, so I didn't entertain them. I was just taking it one day at a time, enjoying the process of learning myself.

In 2017, my thoughts on being in a relationship was that I wasn't looking for one but if it came along, so be it. I wasn't in a huge rush to get caught up in being a Mrs. Part Two. However, I didn't see anything wrong with seeing what was out there.

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To be quite honest, nothing really impressed me.

There were catfishes, for sure.

Also, guys who wanted a woman to be "wifey" material but didn't have the mustard to be man material.

Along with that, men who wanted "situational joy": a woman that could provide them with joy while still in a situation with someone else ... a situation he couldn't get out of for whatever reason (finances, convenience, doesn't want to break up the family, etc.). 

The worst type of all are these men that want a woman to be a placeholder. He knows she is a wonderful catch, but he is keeping his options open until he makes his final choice. In the meanwhile, he is saying all of the catch words and key phrases that makes the other woman believe that they are building something. Because of this rhetoric, that woman is in a "holding pattern", not seeking out another guy, while he's out biding time. Once his 1st, 2nd, and 3rd choices don't pan out, here his pathetic behind comes running. If you're really smart, you're already gone. Unfortunately, too many women out there aren't, thinking that you've gotten a fantastic catch when you were really choice number 4.

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I knew I was too good to be anyone's placeholder. That's the type of thing you nip in the bud. I didn't have to wait too long to find out either.

My motto is, and always has been: When words and actions aren't in alignment, ask questions.

For me, all has to make sense. When it starts become nonsense, then I have a right to ask the questions. Then the challenge passes to the other individual to make it all make sense.

Yet, because of how I am, even before one spins the rhetoric, I can pinpoint when one is lying to me. Sometimes, you have to let someone dig their own grave.

In addition, I'm at a pivotal stage in my life where I know what I will and will not stand for.

What I am weary of is ain't shit dudes upgrading themselves to be noticed by the likes of me and get mad when they can't manage the upkeep. It wouldn't be so difficult for a guy if he wasn't being phony in the first place.

Even worse is the guy who is open to all things which make him stellar, then he goes and flaunts his new swag. Guess what? It makes him appealing to other women. They think he's a phenomenal catch, not realizing if it wasn't for one investing in him when he was a bum, he wouldn't have an iota of swag.

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One fact has remained consistent in all my years: I've never stood for cheating. When a man does that, I'm out. It's how I'm built.

To me, if a man is so happy with who he's with, why is he out there exploring other options? If a man is not ready to be monogamous, don't try to land "monogamous" minded women. Be with a woman that still wants to play the field. Quit sending mixed signals.

Also, be honest with the type of man you are. Don't hype yourself up to be a gentleman when you are a roughneck with women's hearts. Don't claim you're the most faithful bloke in the room when you can't stop yourself from getting horny off seeing other women.

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Pathetic excuses of testosterone don't deserve queens. Strong women are tired of you showing up like you're kings but you're really imbecilic little tots signing up as souls we have to save. We have better things to do, like reading, working out, meditating, hustling ... just overall being fantastic. We don't have time to do all the stuff your mother should have done and instilling the characteristics of manhood you should have received from anyone who was willing to be a father figure. Save that mess for Iyanla or Dr. Phil. 

Trust me, there are plenty of ain't about females that would be happy to have your ain't about behinds.

What can I say? I require a man who knows his worth. A man who knows that it's not what between his legs that's his glory but what's between his two ears.

An individual who treasures the balance of independence and interdependence without being threatened by either.

A guy who knows how to be a helper and a healer.

One who doesn't take from me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually in order to drain me but realizes it's give and take ... where we can replenish each other.

A gentleman who is a gentle man, that realizes that I play a number of roles to a number of people. However, just because I serve a multitude never means he's in competition. I know how to multi-task. I know what's the order of importance.

He just has to come in with faith, honor, trust, dedication, authenticity, intelligence, peace, and love. All the love his heart can hold. Not just any type of love ... a love that doesn't flee when health fails, when money is short, and beauty fades. Love that transcends.

My love is not for the meek, for the mild, or for the deceivers. It is for a person who is not afraid of the growing pains it takes to come into his own. However, he has to put for the effort and do his own work. It's hard enough pulling one's own weight, much less having to do for two.

I know what I type could be the stuff of fairy tales or of times long ago. Yet, even with my growing cynicism, I still believe. I also know I can't get the gourmet meal if I keep nibbling on the leftover crumbs.

No elitist. No snobbery. No pretense.

Just my truth. What every person should live in, whether pretty, ugly, or otherwise.

Peace.