Thursday, December 22, 2011

Relationship Credos/Continuous Love Lessons (6-10)

6.    Make sure that you are not using the lessons from the past to punish the partner you have in the present.

I have been in a lot of awful relationships.  I have learned many lessons from the relationships—to not trust as freely; if one doesn’t express his anger constructively, then don’t hesitate, exit…those are examples. 

However, just because he may raise his voice to express his opinion, I shouldn’t automatically equate that with “he’s going to get violent” because the other guy did.

Or if he doesn’t call right away, to not automatically assume “he’s cheating; he’s doing something wrong” because it was telltale signs of the other guy.

I admit this one will always be an uphill battle for me because of what I have been through, but each day, each moment none of those other thoughts enter my head, is a victory.

7.    If you love each other, say so and mean it

You shouldn’t put pressure on each other to say it at the same time or feel it at the same time.  As much as movies like to paint it happening all at once, more often than not, it doesn’t go down like that.
For me, it takes time to get to that stage.  Others can fall for someone in an instant.  I’m not trying to discredit those who feel it at first sight; I’m just saying it has never happened like that for me.

8.    To say Love, you have to act like Love.  The words and actions must be in alignment, never opposition. 

In the instances where I was cheated on, this question was universal, “How can you love me and be in the arms declaring love to someone else?” 

Those two definitely don’t match to me.

9.    Always be honest, even if it hurts.

Yes, it is the best policy.  I would rather a person tell me he is unhappy and wants out than to cheat on me.  To me, that shows respect for the relationship and for me. 

If I’m unhappy, I am going to say I’m unhappy. 

Silently suffering isn’t doing anyone any favors, although in the past, I used to think I was sparing the other person.  But I wasn’t.  The only person hurting was myself.

If I want out of the relationship, I will say I want out.  I’m not going to make the mistake and try to cling on to it if it’s dying.  I’m not going to fight for it if the other person has made clear he doesn’t want to fight anymore, especially if he’s out sleeping with someone else and didn’t post the memo. 

10.     Stop comparing your relationship to someone else’s.  What works for them may not work for you.  If your recipe works, then enjoy the result.

I’m a female who has male friends as her majority.  And by friends, I do mean friends, not FUCK BUDDIES.
Now, if you know your woman has slept with some of her male friends from time to time, I can understand why you don’t want your woman to associate with them. 

But I am not them, so although you may say, “You need to cut your male friends off”, they haven’t done anything to disrespect…but I understand based on your experience, you feel inclined to offer your feedback.

On the same token, I can’t expect what works for me to work for other people.  Like, if my partner has female friends (not FUCK BUDDIES), then I can’t tell him to “cut off his ties” yet hold on to my own.  I have to be fair.

I'm sure there's even more to come, but I'm going to pause it here.

Be easy.

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