Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Relationship Credos (or Continuous Love Lessons): 1-5



Relationship Credos (or Continuing Love Lessons)

This is one of those blogs that for me was either (a) one that would never come or (b) one that was a long time coming.
For the most part, I was leaning towards A.
If I sat here and wrote I had never experienced love, I would be lying.
I can’t sit here and say that I didn’t feel love for the majority of the partners I have had. 
But here is what I can say:

1.    Not all of the people I felt love for I should have been involved with.  Some people you can feel that emotion for, and you should just acknowledge it.  You don’t have to necessarily do anything with it.  And the problem occurred because I always felt it had to lead to something.  It was always, “I have these feelings for you; what do I do with them?”

2.    Not all the people I loved, I felt the type of love necessary to build a relationship with.  I know it sounds similar to the first one, but not quite.  This is the part where we both decided to do something with it, but it wasn’t the right thing.  It reminds me of this song by Vivian Green, “Perfect Decision.” 



     She and this guy are friends and have these strong feelings for one another but are trying to decide to risk it and go deeper or keep things as is.  In some of my cases, it was better to just keep as is.  In these situations, the thing which hurt the most was when each of us told each other, “We would still be friends, no matter what” and someone doesn’t keep their end of the deal—like cease communication all together.  Or it feels too strange afterwards, and old “ex” feelings come to the surface.

3.    Some people I thought I loved I didn’t love at all—not in the sense of building anything.  Other factors prompted the unions, like not wanting to be alone or single; moving on because the other person moved on so quickly; we had a couple of things in common, like poetry, video games, liking art, having the same views on saggy pants (LOL).  No wonder those unions only lasted a few months or that with some, I felt relief once they were over.

The longest relationship I was in, which lasted approximately five and a half years, taught me so many things. 
I knew about joy, an exuberant amount of joy, in the beginning, but as times went on, I knew more about pain, inequality.  I knew what it felt like to sacrifice too much and have the other person not sacrifice enough. 
I found out what depths a person would go to in order to get out of a relationship.
I discovered what I found to be betrayal, what I deemed unforgiveable the other person just saw as doing what needed to be done.  The phucked up part about it is that I straight up asked the person, gave the person a chance to be “out”.  The feelings would have been somewhat hard, but at least the person was honest when asked. 
But the way the whole thing went down, honesty got thrown out the window.  Respect got thrown out the window.  I would have rather my feelings had gotten hurt but the honesty and respect been intact than for feelings to have been spared and got doubly screwed in the end.
But I have to reflect on the past to focus on the present.

These are my credos as it pertains to relationships.  You don’t have to follow them.  Heck, you can chalk ‘em up to B.S. and go the next blog if you like.
But I write this more for me~I have come such a long way from when I got into my first relationship (I guess it was “so called”) at the age of nine (yes, go ahead and giggle).
And yes, I deem it continuous.  For if you stop learning, you stop growing.  I always want to keep growing.  For when you think you have the answers, you will encounter more questions.

Continuous Love Lessons

1.    Know the difference between Relationship Requirements and Relationship Preferences.  The requirements should be stagnant; the preferences should be allowed some levels of fluidity.  At times, this can be difficult.



For example, I require that my mate not use drugs (this includes weed).  This requirement has never changed and it will not change.

However, I did use to have a requirement on Age.  In the past, I had a requirement the person be close to the same age as me.  However, my energy either attracted those who were younger (because of how liberal I can be with some issues) or those who were older (because I seemed mature…or like an old soul that’s been here before).   

So I no longer have a requirement on Age, except that he cannot be jail bait.  Age doesn’t necessarily reflect maturity.  I know fifty year olds that act very immature and twenty-three year olds that act very mature.

     2.    Don’t expect perfection from your mate when you are only human. 



Of course, I want the person I’m with to say and do the right things.  However, that’s not always going to happen.  But I’m not always going to say and do the right things, either. 




3.    Know when it’s better to compromise than to be right.


It’s like my grandma told me, “Sometimes, you have to know when to pick your battles.”  If it’s something really major, then it might be worth it to debate on the principle of the thing. 

However, if it something which is very minor, then perhaps it’s better to compromise, agree to disagree, or live to fight on another day.  All of that extra energy spent debating or being worked up could be worked out in another way….make up sex is pretty hot J!


4.    Keep communication open in the relationship.  When the communication starts dying, eventually, the rest will follow suit. 



Even if there is a disagreement, talk about it, write about it—but don’t get to the point where there’s no communication. 

Or get to that place where “it is what it is.”  

Because that says, “I don’t care enough about the relationship to continue working on it.” Or, “Nothing is going to change; what’s the point?”  

When complacency sets in, too much space is left for interference (and usually the wrong kind). 

5.    Have guidelines set for what you want and don’t want in the relationship.  Communicate those with the person you are with.

Some of us (myself definitely included) get so caught up in the newness (the honeymoon stage) of the relationship that we don’t want to have the talk about what we want and don’t want.

We don’t want to have the talk because it’s boring…it’s not as hot as thinking about the “off the chain sex” from the night before.   

But the talk is necessary because we find out if the person is in for the night, for the weekend, for a couple of months, or for the long haul.  If you want someone just for the weekend, you don’t want to be with the guy who is looking for a wife.  L

More to come.....

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