Monday, December 19, 2011

The Un-sexy Chronicles I: Saggy Pants

I am on the right side of the sidewalk.  It is crowded with people.
Then, we lock eyes.  He is further down, on the left side of the sidewalk.
His eyes are dark; I can already tell by its’ depths that he is an intense individual.  He seems like someone I would like to get to know.
His eyes keep steady, too long to insist that I am just a passing fancy.   Apparently, he wants to get to know me as well.
If only we are patient enough to get through the bustle, we will get our mutual wish granted.
Just as we are getting closer to each other, a brisk wind hits, knocking everyone off guard.  Colorful scarves, hats, and bundles of paper go flying.  The jacket he was loosely holding in his arm slips off.
As he turns around to grab it, my heightened instance becomes deflated.
Because as he turned, I could tell he was wearing evergreen, Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs.
By the time he retrieved his jacket, I had crossed the street, staying on my original course to go home instead of possibly deterring for a quick bite to eat or a cup of coffee.
So I know you’ve already guess what is Un-Sexy Chronicle #1.

Saggy Pants

I’m a woman who likes mystery.  I love the allure of having to guess what is underneath…or like what Ginuwine would say, “In those jeans.”  Of course, he was talking about a female’s goodies.
Well, I’m talking about a male’s goodies, in a sense. 
If I am spending time with a guy, I want to take in his style.  How well he is sporting certain clothes, particularly if he can wear a nice pair of slacks or jeans.  I want to wonder if he is wearing boxers, briefs, a combo of both, or commando.
And it shatters the sexiness when I see a guy hitch up his pants.
It demolish the fantasy when I can tell the name brand, the color.
It crushes the illusion when his Fruit of the Loom covered behind can not only be admired by me, but by other females who want a chance…or who want to pass.
Also, if I was wondering about the actual shape of his ass, that’s done for, too.  For sometimes, guys that wear baggy jeans are trying to hide too much ass…or in worse cases, not enough. 
The gawker...combines sag and skinny;
Yes this actually exists.
I know it is supposed to be cool.  It is in fashion.  However, the origin of the style is way different.  How many people would still wear their pants that way if they knew the origin?


wearing ones pants around the hips so that they sag down and bunch up around the ankles. Originally, this was a prison thing that signified that you were another prisoner's property, ie bitch. Punks were forced to wear their pants this way so it would be easier for their masters to pull their pants down and butt-fuck them. Somehow this became a 1990's fashion trend. I learned this from watching a TV special on prison life. The inmate who related the story was an elderly black gentleman who had been sentenced to life in prison and had been there for over fifty years. He marveled how such a mark of shame became a fashion statement. He said that younger inmates don't believe him when he tells them but swears it's the truth. I believed him. I also think they should let him out already, he's like 80 and I don't think he represents a threat to society.

Look at any wanna-be gangster (wankster) How the hell are you supposed to run from cops with your pants around your hips and your shoes unlaced anyway. If any of these little punk-asses actually did anything bad enough to get them thrown in the slammer they would no doubt shortly find out exactly what saggy pants are good for.

I mean, do you really want to go around telling other men that your ass is for the taking

Yet, this is supposed to be sexy.   

Also, don’t you get tired of having to hitch your pants up?

And no, I don’t think it is sexy for women to sag.

Or cute for children to sag.

On this, I’m universal.

However, I don’t think it should be outlawed or banned, like some places have started to do.

Like this story in Collinsville, Illinois.

Because I do believe in a person’s right to wear what he wants to wear. 

However, if you are trying to impress me or get a date with me, you should consider nixing the sag. 

Besides, think of it this way: All of that energy you are spending trying to keep your pants up, you could be doing other things, like:

1.        Looking into my eyes.
2.       Holding my hand.
3.       Showing me where a cool place to eat is at.
4.       Telling me more about yourself, using hands, if possible, for emphasis.
5.       (if we get really cool), giving me a hug.
6.       (if we get really cool), plugging my phone number into your cell phone or if you’re old fashioned, digging for pen and paper to jot it down

But if you’re saggalicious, you will never know, now will you?

One. :)

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