The Un-sexy Chronicles V: The Assumption That PEP Should Always Equal GPP

Un-Sexy Chronicles V:  The Assumption That PEP (Persistent Expensive Payout) Should Always Equal GPP (Guaranteed Poonani Payment)

No, I’m not talking about Economics class, although this looks to be a formula.  Just follow me a little bit and it will all become clear.

Story:

Tyrone has been talking to this lady named Alexis for a few weeks or so.  Finally, the two of them decide to meet.  He wants to make a good first impression, so he treats her to this very swanky restaurant—you know, where you can’t quite pronounce all of the items on the menu. 

The pictures don’t do her justice; she looks way better than her pictures.  Beautiful skin, bright smile, thick in all the right places.  Tyrone is hopeful that it will escalate to many upcoming meetings in his bedroom.

Alexis is digging Tyrone, too.  She admires the fact that he takes good care of his body, has a go getter attitude, and an awesome sense of humor.  However, she has decided that she wants to take her time to really get to know him before letting him sniff the panties.  She is impressed in his refined taste and could definitely get used to this type of dating.

Tyrone continues to spoil Alexis—from treating her to restaurants to gifts “just because”.  He is hopeful that his displays of P.E.P. will guide him to the promised land.  In other words, if he Persistently performs Expensive Payouts on the outings, then Alexis will have no choice but to show her appreciation through Guaranteed Poonani Payment (GPP).

Alexis, however, thinks the lavish spending is his normal thing.  It’s his way of showing that he is interested in pursuing something different and it’s how he normally gets down.  Therefore, because she doesn't see it as him going above and beyond (just being nice), she isn't expecting to reward him with anything other than her company.  To her, it should be payment enough.

Fast forward six weeks later….

Tyrone’s account is getting a bit lighter.  He has grown impatient.  He wonders what more does he have to do.  Finally, he decides to pull out all the stops.  He tells Alexis he has a special surprise for her.  He has a limo come and pick her up.  They go to this dining area which is located just inside a very snazzy hotel/casino.   She is very impressed with this, but she still hasn't quite put two and two together. 

“I really like the ambiance of this place.  The food is absolutely delicious, Tyrone!”

“I’m glad you like the food.  Since you like the ambiance, how about we spend some time at the hotel for a bit?  We don’t have to rush back to work or anything.”

“I’d really like to check out the casino.  That’s an awesome idea!  Maybe I can win some money.”

Before Tyrone could let her know it wasn't what he meant, she was off in the direction of the casino. 

A few hours later and a few dollars lighter, Tyrone and Alexis leave out of the casino.

“Wow, that was fun!  Too bad I didn't win any money.”

“Yeah,” chimed in Tyrone, “you should have quit while you were ahead.  Look, it’s pretty late, so how about we chill at the hotel for tonight and head back in the morning?”

“You’re right,” said Alexis.  “I know it’s going to be a fortune trying to catch a cab, even more of a fortune to try and get the limo back here.”

Okay, Tyrone is thinking.  She’s agreed to the hotel.  She has to know what’s coming next.  I didn't have to cancel the room after all.

They make their way to the suite.  Romantic lighting and soft music is already set up.  Alexis closes her eyes and begins to slowly sway her body to the music.

“Dance with me,” she croons.

Tyrone’s eyes are hypnotized by the movement of her hips.  He’s hard in anticipation of getting between her thighs.  He positions himself behind her and begins to sway along with her.

Alexis feels him throbbing against her and turns to him.  He begins to kiss her, first softly, then more passionately, to leave her no doubt in what he wants.

As much as she is enjoying the kisses, Alexis is still not quite ready to go the next step.  She is having a wonderful time with Tyrone but she feels she needs a little more time.

“Tyrone, slow down…”

“Slow down?  All I have been doing is slowing down!  I don’t want to slow down anymore…”

Alexis walks over and turns off the music.  “What are you talking about, Tyrone?”

“I’m talking about this.  Yes, you told me you wanted to take it easy.  That you don’t put out on the first couple of dates.  I get it.  But we’ve been doing this for about two months now!  How much slowing down do you need?”

“Tyrone, what’s the big deal?  I thought we were getting a chance to know each other…”

“Alexis, the big deal is we've been going to all these fancy dinners, mini shopping sprees, the little gifts, Broadway plays.  You really think I would be putting all this in if I wasn't getting a return on the investment?”

“Hold up!  Wait a minute!  You mean to tell me you weren't doing this just because…”

“Just because what?  Wait, you thought I continuously had ends to be spending like this just to impress some chic?  No, I don’t!  You know how much this suite cost, and you mean to tell me after the mood has been set, you’re still not gone do anything?”

“You got some nerve, Tyrone!  Didn't anyone ask you to do all of this stuff….”

“But no one told you to take it, either!  I don’t know too many men who would spend out all this cash without getting some of that ass; now, since you don’t take hints well, I’m letting you know what’s up.  I want you; I want to be inside you; I don’t want to wait any longer.  Are you down or are you still refusing me?  What’s good?”

Alexis shook her head in disbelief. 

“What’s good is me walking out this door.  You can enjoy the suite by yourself, and better yet, lose my math!  It’s been real.”

Before he could stop her, Alexis walked out of the door and out of Tyrone’s life.

fade to black...

You could say Alexis was a bit naïve.  Sure, there are guys who don’t mind spoiling a female, but you have to take time to figure out what type of guy he is.  Is he the type to wine and dine because he wants to or does he ultimately have an agenda?  Did she really specify a timetable in the “taking it slow stage”?  What’s considered a short time for a female may end up feeling like a long time for a man.  It’s unrealistic to expect a man not to have desires.  If he’s dealing with you and doesn't have desires for you, more than likely a romantic relationship isn't going to blossom, but it’s also up to the female to clearly communicate (to be concrete, not vague) as to the type of connection she wants.

Tyrone’s whole dilemma could have been solved with communication as well.  Even if his truth made him sound a little shallow, if he would have made his intentions known sooner, he could have saved a lot of time as well as finances.  Now, he feels like Alexis played him when the truth of the matter is he went in expecting the persistent expensive payout to give him the guaranteed poonani.  He went all in and ended up broke.  He definitely ended up “un-sexy” as well.

Moral of the story:  Just because you spend money on a female doesn't mean she’s automatically going to give up the draws.  One of my most horrific dates was with a guy who considered McDonald’s a restaurant, forgetting the words “fast food” was in front of it and thought because he treated me to the double cheeseburger meal, he was entitled to some cookie.  I do admit to laughing in his face.

The Un-Sexy Chronicles IV: Lack of Creativity

"Oh, we're doing that again?"

References:  The Un-sexy Chronicles: Intro ; The Un-sexy Chronicles I: Saggy Pants ; The Un-sexy Chronicles II: Profanity ; The Un-sexy Chronicles III: I Don't Do Funk

The Un-sexy Chronicles IV:  Lack of Creativity

Okay before people start getting overly upset, I’m not saying that a person has to be a musician, poet, or artists, even though I do have a weakness for the artistic types.  

This is just my way of saying, “Work with what you have—whether it’s a lot, but especially if it’s a little.”

Scenario:  Camille has just recently started dating Ramon.  For the first three dates, they have mainly been checking out a movie, grabbing a small bite to eat at a fast food stop, and then stopping by her place for some heavy make out sessions.  She likes spending time with Ramon, but the movies and fast food are getting old, and she yearns for a change of pace.

One day while they are chatting on the phone, they are discussing plans for another outing.

“So, is the usual good?”

“Yeah, Ramon, about that.  I’m not saying I don’t enjoy going to the movies, but can we just try something a little different?”

“A little different?  What you mean?”

“Well, how about a restaurant?"

“You mean, one of those sit down joints?  Camille, you should know I’m not that type of cat to be spending ends like that.  I like movies; you like movies.  Why fix it if it ain't broke?”

“I get what you’re saying, and we can still do movies from time to time.  What’s wrong with wanting to do something new—to be in a spot where we can do more talking and trying to get to know each other?”

“First off, Camille, how much more talking do you want us to do?  Secondly, we can talk for free after the movies and grabbing a snack.”

Awkward silence, followed by Ramon’s roommate calling for him in the background.

“Hey, that’s my roommate.  Let me see what he wants.  We’ll discuss this more later, okay?”

“Okay, fine, Ramon.”

A few minutes later, Camille calls one of her friends.

“Hey, Camille, what’s the deal?”

“Yo, Trina, Ramon is cool and all, but I don’t think he and I will be dating again…”

fade to black...

Could this whole fiasco have been avoided?  Perhaps it could have been if he took the time to exercise some creativity. 

Let’s peek at the misconceptions:

1.       The automatic assumption at the price tag on the restaurant

First off, Camille didn't specify what type of restaurant she wanted to go to.  She did want the location to be somewhat quiet, so instead of trying to talk to each other during the movie or even trying to get some words in during a makeout session, it could be a situation where they could really listen and hear what each other is saying.  I know restaurants where you can spend under $30 for two people and still get that same ambiance.

Think about how much that guy is spending on movies in the theater.  Those aren't cheap unless you go to the matinee, and even matinee prices are getting outrageous.  Plus, refreshments, if they opted to get any.  Even if they didn't they are stopping somewhere else to get some fast food. 

Depending on the restaurant, he might be better off doing that rather than the movies because he may end up saving money.  However, because he didn't want to be bothered with specifics and automatically assumed it was going to be high end and out of his price range, he quickly shut the idea down.

2.       The assumption that just because Camille liked one activity, it meant she didn't want to do other activities

Just because a person likes one activity, it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to do it all the time.  Sure, I love playing video games, but I’m not going to be devastated if I can’t do it all the time (no disrespect to the hard core gamers; I love ya’ll.).  It’s unrealistic to expect that in dating.  How many movies can you go to without being tired of the same scene?  How much fast food can you eat?  

Variety is not only the spice of life; it’s the spice of dating, too.  Do dates that compliment different interests, not just one.  Or if you really enjoy food, try different types of food and cuisines.  Ramon is really missing out on opportunity to take their dating further for not being open enough to want to do new things based on different interests.

3.       The assumption that enough dialogue had been established between them to where further talking would be worthless

The getting to know phase may not be the most exciting phase, but it is a phase which is essential.  Even people who have been together for years end up finding out new things about one another.  Therefore, why would Ramon assume all the necessary talking has been done?  Does he really want to go deeper with Camille?  Or is he really playing the field?  These are valid questions.  Also, is Camille’s expectation of the dating different than his?  Whatever the case, there is a definite disconnect.

4.       The inability to see if both of them could come to a compromise concerning an alternate dating location and/or activity

If Ramon would have sought out more detail rather than holding on to his assumption about the “expensiveness of the restaurant”, then perhaps he and Camille could have come to a compromise concerning the next date. 

He could have said, “I’m not into the whole formal suit and tie thing.  What type of restaurant did you have in mind?”  Then she could have clarified what type of restaurant she meant, and they could have gone from there.

If it was indeed a budgeting issue, then he could have suggested that he prepare a meal, and they could have a sit down at his place or a picnic.  It would still have the type of ambiance she’s looking for, and he wouldn't necessarily be breaking the bank. 

However, since none of this came up in conversation, perhaps it served as an opportunity missed.

I am a person who understands there are times when money is tight.  I also understand if you have been with women who aren't happy unless you spend an arm and a leg on every date, therefore leaving you a bit jaded.  

I feel your pain, but I am not them. 

I am a woman who enjoys doing different things.  Quite a few of those different things do not require exorbitant amounts to be dispersed.  I am not going to say that I don’t like fine dining and fine arts every now and again, but I don’t expect it all the time.  

Best believe, however, I’m not one who wants to do the same thing every time on every date.  Therefore, if you are one who can’t add a splash of variety when it comes to dating, then you can keep on walking.  I’m going to save you the agony of not hearing from me again.

Peace.

The Un-sexy Chronicles III: I Don't Do Funk

Everyone wants to put their best self forward.   Some people can look beautiful with practically no effort.  Others need makeup enhancement to do the trick.  Some people leave it to the experts of digital enhancements.  All of this to spark attention.

Let’s take a dating website for example.  Let’s have Guy A and Guy B.

Guy A fills out a full profile, from About Me to all of the little compatibility quizzes but fails to put up a picture.  


Guy B just fill out the basics, but has lots of pictures to look at.  

Guy A checks his inbox and has two messages; Guy B checks his inbox and has ninety-two messages.

Of course, we should admire Guy A’s substance but humans are visual creatures.

We want to look at who we are dealing with and then, if that draws us, then we start going through the process to getting to know more.

Guy B has given the visual but not quite enough information ; therefore, leaving the opening for a chance of meeting to get to know more.

Guy A believed he was being helpful in giving out information to skip a lot of the small talk.  He probably has succeeded in deleting those who don’t fit his criteria.

However, his lack of picture does draw some assumptions.  One could be that he is shy.  Another could be that he is unattractive—like “if he’s so impressive, why can’t I see what he looks like?”  He may be perceived as deceptive.

And just like that, Guy A and his thorough openness is seen as a cover up for something he’s lacking.

Not saying it’s fair, but it does happen.

So let’s get back to the scenario.

Back to Guy B.  He finds a good online rapport with Female C, and they finally arrange to meet.  She already has this heightened image of him.  She plans out her wardrobe based on where she thinks the activities are going to go….

It’s been a while since I’ve had some, but I don’t want to be too eager.  Should I show more chest, ass, or leg?  Do I just want to take it slow?

She decides on her look, gets fresh and clean.  Her appearance and scent is decadent.

They agree to meet in a new restaurant in town.  She arrives but she is a bit early.  She takes her seat at the bar so he won’t miss her.  Plus, it will give her a chance to see him before he sees her.

While she waits, she opts for a drink.  As she is waiting on the drink, she picks up on a strong, unpleasant smell.  She turns around but doesn’t see anyone.  Then she notices the scent has moved to the front; she turns around and sees Guy B.  The awful scent is still there.

How can this sweet dream in appearance be a nightmare in good scents?

Moral of the story:  You can Photoshop looks not funk….

I don’t care if you are drop dead gorgeous.  If you smell like skunk or a rotten egg, I can’t mess with you.

I love good scents, being around good scents.  There is nothing like a man who knows how to keep himself clean---that is in touch with the type of scents to use to go along with his body chemistry.

If anyone tells you that one scent can work for every man, that person is sadly mistaken.  Just because Obsession smells good on one man doesn’t mean it smells good on every man.

If you don’t wear cologne (and that’s your preference), make sure you are wearing deodorant or using soaps that are good to your body chemistry.

And not just your body.  Make sure your mouth is right, too.  I shouldn’t be able to tell you ate tacos earlier or that you’ve had that breath since yesterday morning.  Brush those teeth.  If you are fresh out of toothpaste, Arm and Hammer can get the job done, too.

There are too many products—natural and all.

I’m not vain but my nose is.

The Un-sexy Chronicles II: Profanity

Scenario:

Two guys on the sidewalk talking:

"Yo man what's good?"

"Not much, man!  I'm pissed off than a mutha fucka!"

"What happened?"

"You know Keno, that mutha fucka who's a friend of yo mutha fuckin cousin?"

"Nah my cousin don't fuck with that mutha fucka like that..."

"Well, anyway, that mutha fucka Keno, I loaned him twenty mutha fucka dollars to put in his mutha fucking tank cause that mutha fucka said he couldn't get to the mutha fuckin bank before the mutha fucka closed.  I told him I needed my mutha fuckin money back right away because I gotta give my baby's mama that mutha fuckin money so my kids can have some mutha fuckin pampers.  And that mutha fucka been duckin and dodgin my ass ever since!"

"Yo that's fucked up.  I got some ends if you need 'em, dawg."

"I 'preciate that, dude, but that's not the fuckin point. It is the principle of the thing.  That nigga think he got over on me on some mutha fuckin money, but when I catch up to that nigga, I'm gone go off on his mutha fuckin ass and get my money plus interest, word is bond!"

"Do what you gotta do, man."

Okay, I'm not saying that people normally don't talk like this, but where I grew up, I was not around it.  My grandparents did not curse in normal chatter, like these two guys were doing.  The only time they did was when they were extremely upset, and they would always apologize afterwards for letting it slip. 

And the worse my grandparents said were shit, damn, and ass.  I don't really think ass is really a curse word since it's another word for donkey.  Bitch was rare, too, but it's considered a female dog. 

But the m.f. or the f bomb....no.

I didn't get expose to those until I went off to college.  It seemed strange to me to see people trying to get an education using these words when they would talk to each other.

At first, I was like, "What are they so mad about?" since the only time I heard words of that nature were when people were upset.

But then I realized it was just how they related to each other.  Even girls calling each other bitches and hos and not getting mad at each other. 

Back in the day (hell, even to this day), you call me a bitch, that's an invite for an ass whooping.

One of the few fights I got in back in the sixth grade was because some chic called me a "stupid bitch" because I stopped talking to her for betraying my trust.

So to me, bitch is the last word you can call me for a term of endearment.  Nor is it classy.

I can respect the way other people interact with each other, if that's the only way they feel they can do it. 

However, I think there are better ways to communicate casually than to use filler words.  I consider cursing filler words, to say something because you can't come up with anything better to say.  Like why does the guy have to be "that mutha fuckin guy"~ when you take the m.f. out, the sentiment doesn't change.  I mean, it doesn't make him distinctive or descriptive, per se.

Therefore, if someone has a conversation with me, I do not want to hear constant f bombs, mf bombs, bitches, etc.  I don't respond well to that type of communication.  If you know that is how you like to come across, you have to tone down or eliminate that jargon altogether.

I don't mind an occasional damn or some stuff for emphasis,but if I'm hearing m.f. six times in ten minutes, then the first date will definitely not turn into a second one.

Plus, I don't like getting the look and hearing crickets.

What do I mean, exactly?

Well, I have a bit of an extensive vocabulary.  However, it is a bad sign when I'm having to translate what I say when I am speaking English.

For example, I have been on a date with someone who didn't know what "delicious" meant.  I can understand if it's hard to spell delicious but not knowing that it means "something tastes good."

So the f bombs every two minutes, save that for your guy friends or females that like that type of slang.  I'm not that female, and that's okay.

One.

The Un-sexy Chronicles I: Saggy Pants

I am on the right side of the sidewalk.  It is crowded with people.

Then, we lock eyes.  He is further down, on the left side of the sidewalk.

His eyes are dark; I can already tell by its’ depths that he is an intense individual.  He seems like someone I would like to get to know.

His eyes keep steady, too long to insist that I am just a passing fancy.   Apparently, he wants to get to know me as well.

If only we are patient enough to get through the bustle, we will get our mutual wish granted.

Just as we are getting closer to each other, a brisk wind hits, knocking everyone off guard.  Colorful scarves, hats, and bundles of paper go flying.  The jacket he was loosely holding in his arm slips off.

As he turns around to grab it, my heightened instance becomes deflated.

Because as he turned, I could tell he was wearing evergreen, Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs.

By the time he retrieved his jacket, I had crossed the street, staying on my original course to go home instead of possibly deterring for a quick bite to eat or a cup of coffee.

So I know you’ve already guess what is Un-Sexy Chronicle #1.

Saggy Pants

I’m a woman who likes mystery.  I love the allure of having to guess what is underneath…or like what Ginuwine would say, “In those jeans.”  Of course, he was talking about a female’s goodies.

Well, I’m talking about a male’s goodies, in a sense. 

If I am spending time with a guy, I want to take in his style.  How well he is sporting certain clothes, particularly if he can wear a nice pair of slacks or jeans.  I want to wonder if he is wearing boxers, briefs, a combo of both, or commando.

And it shatters the sexiness when I see a guy hitch up his pants.

It demolish the fantasy when I can tell the name brand, the color.

It crushes the illusion when his Fruit of the Loom covered behind can not only be admired by me, but by other females who want a chance…or who want to pass.

Also, if I was wondering about the actual shape of his ass, that’s done for, too.  For sometimes, guys that wear baggy jeans are trying to hide too much ass…or in worse cases, not enough. 

The gawker...combines sag and skinny;
Yes this actually exists.

I know it is supposed to be cool.  It is in fashion.  However, the origin of the style is way different.  How many people would still wear their pants that way if they knew the origin?

Via Urban Dictionary

sagging

622 up, 94 down

wearing ones pants around the hips so that they sag down and bunch up around the ankles. Originally, this was a prison thing that signified that you were another prisoner's property, ie bitch. Punks were forced to wear their pants this way so it would be easier for their masters to pull their pants down and butt-fuck them. Somehow this became a 1990's fashion trend. I learned this from watching a TV special on prison life. The inmate who related the story was an elderly black gentleman who had been sentenced to life in prison and had been there for over fifty years. He marveled how such a mark of shame became a fashion statement. He said that younger inmates don't believe him when he tells them but swears it's the truth. I believed him. I also think they should let him out already, he's like 80 and I don't think he represents a threat to society. Look at any wanna-be gangster (wankster) How the hell are you supposed to run from cops with your pants around your hips and your shoes unlaced anyway. If any of these little punk-asses actually did anything bad enough to get them thrown in the slammer they would no doubt shortly find out exactly what saggy pants are good for. I mean, do you really want to go around telling other men that your ass is for the taking Yet, this is supposed to be sexy.    Also, don’t you get tired of having to hitch your pants up? And no, I don’t think it is sexy for women to sag.   Or cute for children to sag. On this, I’m universal. However, I don’t think it should be outlawed or banned, like some places have started to do. Like this story in Collinsville, Illinois. Or in Flint, Michigan. Because I do believe in a person’s right to wear what he wants to wear.  However, if you are trying to impress me or get a date with me, you should consider nixing the sag.  Besides, think of it this way: All of that energy you are spending trying to keep your pants up, you could be doing other things, like: 1.        Looking into my eyes. 2.       Holding my hand. 3.       Showing me where a cool place to eat is at. 4.       Telling me more about yourself, using hands, if possible, for emphasis. 5.       (if we get really cool), giving me a hug. 6.       (if we get really cool), plugging my phone number into your cell phone or if you’re old fashioned, digging for pen and paper to jot it down But if you’re saggalicious, you will never know, now will you? One. :)

The Un-Sexy Chronicles: Introduction

One of the top questions I’ve been asked pertains to approach-ability.

Some have referred to me as being shy.

Others have deemed it caution and/or reserve.

While a few have deemed me aloof, stand offish, and stuck up.

Perhaps the things a guy should be asking are:

1.  What is it about me that would want her to pay attention to me?

2.  Am I approachable?

3.  Am I sexy?

So a few conversations over the years have prompted the birth of “The Un-sexy Chronicles.”

I haven’t quite decided on a cut off number but this will consist of a listing of things I find un-sexy.

For some who tried to approach me and failed this will give you some insight on why nothing took place.

This is not to put anyone on blast but to give some a glimpse into me.  I feel it is best to know from the gate what not to do.  Therefore, if you don’t fit that mold, you can eliminate yourself and save us both a lot of aggravation.

To others, this will serve as pure comedic value, and if you laugh, feel free.  If any one reading has gotten anything out of it, I have accomplished something.

Let the journey begin.