Shadow Work Sunday: Journal Entry 9

 

Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. Not for nothing, I sure wish I was somewhere warm right about now. Just the other day on Facebook, I got a memory notification about the time I went to Florida about two years ago. Those were fun times, and I hope that I will soon be able to venture out and go there again. 

#CurrentStatus

While I take a break from shoveling snow, let's delve into another Shadow Work Sunday.

How often do you lie to yourself? In what ways are you in denial?

Hmmm ... lie is a pretty strong word. The strength of that particular word can definitely stir up some different emotions.

But, if I am honest with myself, I lie to myself more than I would like, and usually, it's about the level in which certain situations bother me.

For example, although I tell myself often that I am content with the select individuals I can talk to about otherworldly topics, the truth is I do miss having others who are not the same gender as me to speak about these topics with.

Maybe it's because it took me a long time to develop those types of dependable bonds with women. Maybe it's the fact that one of the guys I could have those conversations with died many years ago. Perhaps it's also coupled with the fact that I've run into men out here who don't believe that men and women can be friends without sexual benefits attached. Either way, I miss having the male perspective ... the divergence, if you will.

By topics, I don't mean weather, food, the wellness of slumber, and work. I mean deeper things, like humanity, how one sees his/her future, wellness of mind, body, and spirit, etc. The latter is lacking in my life.

Another subject is my health journey. I don't like calling it "weight loss" journey because that signifies that "weight loss" and "becoming healthier" go hand-in-hand, and I don't believe that is necessarily so (expansion on that in another blog post). For me, weight loss symbolizes the by-product of the actions I'm doing to achieve health.

I am the person that will still do my thing, even if others who promised or said they would do something with me don't. I often tell myself it doesn't bother me, but it does to a certain extent. More so people who are close to me than anything. Not just with those who said they'd journey with me but also support in the family.

I do possess a lot of will power, determination, and grit, but it is always helpful and more inspiring if those in your corner are along for the ride.

I don't expect for a person to work out as often as me or do the same routine as me, but it is challenging to do a home workout and the person you would like to do it with you is just looking at you.

I don't require a person to eat in the same way as me, but it is challenging to have food around me that I used to eat frequently or are "trigger foods". On top of that, to eat them around me.

I don't even expect a person to understand, but for someone to chime in with opinions whether I haven't lost enough or lost too much is aggravating. Particularly if that person isn't the poster child of health himself. 

To have a tribe of encouragement or a tribe to do my journey with would be terrific. I do have days where the drive isn't as strong or moments when I'm not as confident with what I'm doing. Being part of this program (which I'll explain further along with my exercise entries) is a good start, but since it's not localized, it currently doesn't possess the same oomph.

Okay, one last "lie" before I close out this entry.

I lie about how comfortable I am as it pertains to some of the doctor's explanations of certain ailments going on with me. 

In the past, I have covered the ongoing cough I've had since 2018.

Although many tests have been done, including sleep tests, there is still no concrete solution as to why this is still continuing. I've been diagnosed with acute asthma and acute sleep apnea, but according to the specialists, it's not significant enough to fully contribute to the cough's continuation.

There is also a situation happening as it pertains to my blood glucose levels. That I will also delve into as a separate blog topic. But, to sum it up, over the past month, it has become more difficult to keep my levels stable. My endocrinologist thinks its one thing; I am not confident that his analysis is an accurate one.

This does battle in how I perceive the medical field. I was brought up to believe that most doctors actually have a sense of empathy, listen to their patients, and try to do what they can to find causes and solutions that makes sense. However, that has not always been my reality. I don't like when medication gets thrown at a symptom without concrete proof that it's what's going on with me. Also, because there are several medicines that affect me adversely, I have to be extra careful with what I'm taking.

As far as denial, I'm not one that stays in that space. To be in denial is the unwillingness to admit something's wrong or an issue. I operate on a high level of self-awareness to where denial with certain things is really nonexistent. But the frequency of untruths to myself, I'm not sure I can place a number on them. I just know they exist, and the fact that I can speak on them in something, right?

Thanks for joining me for another Shadow Work Sunday.

Take care and stay safe.

 

Real Life Update

 

Greetings everyone! The Unleashed One here. I am aware that Entry 6 of Shadow Work Sundays hasn't been posted yet. However, I do want to pause to give a real-life update before resuming with the Shadow Work.

Over the past few months, the pain associated with the carpal tunnel has intensified. More bad days than good days. More days when the medicinal cocktails, homeopathic and pharmaceutical, just wasn't providing relief. I was very hesitant to go to the next stage, the cortisone shots because I really do not like needles  😔😕😡(#HateThemMofos). I purposely look everywhere else except where the needle is going in because it amps up my anxiety.

For even longer, my knee joints had resumed the creaking-cracking sounds. I was diagnosed with early-onset arthritis in that area about a year ago. I was given the cortisone shot for both knees around December and was due for another injection around late Spring/early Summer. But then, the pandemic hit and put a lot of things on pause. Since arthritic knees ranked low on the list of medical things to deal with, I made do with every cream I could muster to make the pain more manageable.

When the go-ahead was given for on-site appointments, I figured it would be smart to knock out two birds with one stone. The carpal tunnel was the more pressing issue, so I scheduled that appointment first, followed by the appointment with the knee doctor.

The specialist and I did talk at length, even bringing up the possibility of surgery ... if I wanted to forego the ongoing injection cycle. I told him that although I'm not a fan of needles, I wanted to ensure that I went through all the steps before surgery. In addition, insurance likes to see that type of thing, for woe be it for them to cover the immediate solution rather than steps that may be ineffective. Or maybe it's just me that can run into that issue (shrugs).

Lookie here, I'm not going to front. The initial stick doesn't hurt, but toward the end when you have to do the finger wiggle, whew chile! The specialist did warn that I was going to be numb for a bit but the injection area may be sore once the numbness wore off and that it would take a few days to gauge effectiveness.

By sore, I thought maybe a soreness similar to what I experience with DOMS. I've dealt with DOMS before ... annoying but tolerable.

What my specialist should have told me was the following:

"Monica, it is going to feel as if the most powerful demon in the universe shoved Wolverine's blades all through your hands, rendering you with the inability to do anything."

That is what he should have said because that next day, I was in agony! Yes, I have a high tolerance for pain, but on a scale from 1-10, that was a 15. I didn't even fake the funk. I called out from work and tried to master how slow I would have to talk so that the text to speech would not mess up the majority of my words. Simply put: it's always just my luck when I'm ill that everyone from the backwoods of North Dakota attempt to talk to me.

The saving grace was that the hand appointment was on a Thursday afternoon, so I had until Monday to get to some level of functionality. The worst of the pain subsided by Sunday, which was why I was able to do the last Shadow Work post.

It's been just over two weeks since the wrist injections and the verdict is still out. There hasn't been a lot of wrist pain but I still have a lot of inflammation with my hands. So, my body still isn't one hundred percent happy. However, because my everyday hustle involves a lot of typing, the surgery may look to be more of a permanent fix, although when I get it done, I'm looking at up to three weeks of recovery. So, if I opt to do it, it's all about the when.

As it pertains to my knees, it's been a week since I've had the injections. I am slowly increasing my level of activity. I am discovering that the injections work better for the knee. Maybe it's the difference between bone (knee joint) and nerves (hand/wrist). This round, the right knee took longer to bounce back but was understandable because it's the one with the greater amount of arthritis. The knee specialist also suggested that I incorporate VMO (Vastus Medialis Oblique) strengthening exercises. It is the area of muscle just above the kneecap. The vastus medialis helps to stabilize your kneecap and keep it in line when you bend your knee.

For a long time, I conceded living day to day with some level of chronic pain. I believed that if I just accepted this, it would assist me in coping mentally. On the flip side, it made me question how I can live my best life if there was always a cloud of pain, especially if there could be a way to minimize or eliminate it to some degree? If I desire to be the best for myself and others who rely on me, the least I could do is give it a try.

One of the articles I read, as part of this special program I'm in to address my upper back pain, is to find my "North Star". What are the goals that I want to achieve or the activities I want to accomplish? Another article was on "rethinking my pain". Although there are physical contributors to my pain, there may also be other stressors that are manifesting in the physical. Perhaps if I can keep those stressors to a minimum, it will decrease the likelihood of a physical projection.

Change does not happen overnight but I do believe if I continue my dedication to my wellness, there's no other direction to travel but up.

Thanks for reading. Shadow Work Sundays to resume soon.

Until next time,

10K Step Challenge Update: Week 2

The Unleashed One here, back with Week 2 of the 10K Step Challenge. For those of you who need recaps, click below:

The Step Challenge Adventure

10K Step Challenge: Week 1

Here is how Week 2 went.

The most challenging days for Week 2:

Wednesday 6/17: I was feeling extra worn out, so I didn't get up at my typical time to walk. That caused me to indulge in a shorter distance in the early morning, which meant I was playing catch up in the afternoon and the evening.

Saturday 6/20: Since I walked more than usual on Friday 6/19 (more explanation to come in a bit), my knee joints were bothering me throughout the day. I still achieved just over 11,000 but was concerned that arthritis would continue or that DOMS would begin setting in.

Sunday 6/21: My knees were cooperating enough for me to get a relatively good walk in, but I began to feel some throbbing in the ankles as well as my thighs. I made it with close to 400 steps to spare but decided to indulge in some of the heavier medication to help me sleep through the night.

Monday 6/22: The good news: the arthritis wasn't as bad as on Saturday and Sunday. The bad news is that I'm experiencing muscle soreness. It took some time for me to get moving and not for very long intervals. I used part of my surplus from Monday, June 8th to make up the differential.

The biggest highlight for Week 2:

Friday 6/19: I did break my walking record. I think the most I have done prior to taking on this step challenge was somewhere close to 14,000 steps. I wasn't planning on doing over 17,000 but between all of the tasks I did that day (laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, and the like), all of the steps added up. Of course, as you've read, I'm paying a small price for the extra pep.

Well, that's my time everyone. Until week three ...