Sunday, December 20, 2020

Shadow Work Sunday: Journal Entry 9


Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. Not for nothing, I sure wish I was somewhere warm right about now. Just the other day on Facebook, I got a memory notification about the time I went to Florida about two years ago. Those were fun times, and I hope that I will soon be able to venture out and go there again. 


While I take a break from shoveling snow, let's delve into another Shadow Work Sunday.

How often do you lie to yourself? In what ways are you in denial?

Hmmm ... lie is a pretty strong word. The strength of that particular word can definitely stir up some different emotions.

But, if I am honest with myself, I lie to myself more than I would like, and usually, it's about the level in which certain situations bother me.

For example, although I tell myself often that I am content with the select individuals I can talk to about otherworldly topics, the truth is I do miss having others who are not the same gender as me to speak about these topics with.

Maybe it's because it took me a long time to develop those types of dependable bonds with women. Maybe it's the fact that one of the guys I could have those conversations with died many years ago. Perhaps it's also coupled with the fact that I've run into men out here who don't believe that men and women can be friends without sexual benefits attached. Either way, I miss having the male perspective ... the divergence, if you will.

By topics, I don't mean weather, food, the wellness of slumber, and work. I mean deeper things, like humanity, how one sees his/her future, wellness of mind, body, and spirit, etc. The latter is lacking in my life.

Another subject is my health journey. I don't like calling it "weight loss" journey because that signifies that "weight loss" and "becoming healthier" go hand-in-hand, and I don't believe that is necessarily so (expansion on that in another blog post). For me, weight loss symbolizes the by-product of the actions I'm doing to achieve health.

I am the person that will still do my thing, even if others who promised or said they would do something with me don't. I often tell myself it doesn't bother me, but it does to a certain extent. More so people who are close to me than anything. Not just with those who said they'd journey with me but also support in the family.

I do possess a lot of will power, determination, and grit, but it is always helpful and more inspiring if those in your corner are along for the ride.

I don't expect for a person to work out as often as me or do the same routine as me, but it is challenging to do a home workout and the person you would like to do it with you is just looking at you.

I don't require a person to eat in the same way as me, but it is challenging to have food around me that I used to eat frequently or are "trigger foods". On top of that, to eat them around me.

I don't even expect a person to understand, but for someone to chime in with opinions whether I haven't lost enough or lost too much is aggravating. Particularly if that person isn't the poster child of health himself. 

To have a tribe of encouragement or a tribe to do my journey with would be terrific. I do have days where the drive isn't as strong or moments when I'm not as confident with what I'm doing. Being part of this program (which I'll explain further along with my exercise entries) is a good start, but since it's not localized, it currently doesn't possess the same oomph.

Okay, one last "lie" before I close out this entry.

I lie about how comfortable I am as it pertains to some of the doctor's explanations of certain ailments going on with me. 

In the past, I have covered the ongoing cough I've had since 2018.

Although many tests have been done, including sleep tests, there is still no concrete solution as to why this is still continuing. I've been diagnosed with acute asthma and acute sleep apnea, but according to the specialists, it's not significant enough to fully contribute to the cough's continuation.

There is also a situation happening as it pertains to my blood glucose levels. That I will also delve into as a separate blog topic. But, to sum it up, over the past month, it has become more difficult to keep my levels stable. My endocrinologist thinks its one thing; I am not confident that his analysis is an accurate one.

This does battle in how I perceive the medical field. I was brought up to believe that most doctors actually have a sense of empathy, listen to their patients, and try to do what they can to find causes and solutions that makes sense. However, that has not always been my reality. I don't like when medication gets thrown at a symptom without concrete proof that it's what's going on with me. Also, because there are several medicines that affect me adversely, I have to be extra careful with what I'm taking.

As far as denial, I'm not one that stays in that space. To be in denial is the unwillingness to admit something's wrong or an issue. I operate on a high level of self-awareness to where denial with certain things is really nonexistent. But the frequency of untruths to myself, I'm not sure I can place a number on them. I just know they exist, and the fact that I can speak on them in something, right?

Thanks for joining me for another Shadow Work Sunday.

Take care and stay safe.


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