Updates (including Mental Health Check-In)

 

😆 New Profile Pic is doing the most.

Greetings everyone! I hope all have been doing well. It seems like everywhere I look, I see AI. I played around with it for the picture you are seeing to provide a brief amount of levity.

Okay, so how am I doing ... really?

The answer isn't changing as much as it has been, although for a while, it was changing daily. The hardest part is continuing to have patience with myself as I'm processing this gigantic loss in my life.

This may sound strange to some people, but I've never witnessed the processing of grief unfold. I didn't grow up in an environment or an age where therapy was the first stop. It was usually the last stop, or more often, the skipped stop. You push the emotions associated with it and press forward. 

"Life goes on" as they say.

To assist with my process, I initially was going to handwrite. Yet, due to the arthritis in my hands, it does get difficult to write for long bouts. I tossed that idea in place of a separate blog titled "Complexities of Grief".

Complexities of Grief (C.O.G.) is the space where I'm working through things.

It is not going to be as neat, tidy, or structured as this blog or even my author website (important update on that momentarily). Yet, it is not supposed to be because grief isn't a neat thing.

In my opinion, the subject matter itself is the trigger warning; therefore, there isn't a trigger warning given. C.O.G. is more intimate, so more than likely, those who are closest to me may be the primary people who read the entries. I don't expect anyone else to.

I haven't decided if I'm cutting comments off, but I do have it set up where I monitor them closely. I'll disable the feature immediately if it gets too out of hand.

Speaking of Queen of Spades, as much as I love the functionality of WIX, I will be changing to something more ... dare I say, affordable. I knew the price was increasing, but due to other fiscal responsibilities, the current price point was no longer worth it to me. The link will be the same; the web host will be different. However, I will not disable the WIX site until the other site is finished. I will alert everyone when the transition has been completed.

I am coming out with another writing project (yes, under my name, not the pseudonym). Originally, it was scheduled for this month, but now I'm looking at mid to late June. Under the circumstances, the rescheduled date is going to work better. It will allow me to return to a creative space, which hasn't been as present with life's curveballs.

Okay ... this is about as short and sweet as I can get this.

I am slowly yet surely making the social rounds. I wasn't and haven't been upset at anyone. At times, I go quiet as I work though things. Plus, I didn't want to cause too much worry, especially when I was fluctuating from feeling well to sad to numb regularly.

Take care everyone.

31 Days of Journaling: Days 9 & 10

 

What's good everyone! The Unleashed One here. Before I start off my journal entry for Day 9, I have to give some backstory leading into this. I will cover it more when I resume "The Layers of Chronic Illness". Therefore, I will sum it up in this manner.

Earlier this year, I recognized that I was experiencing symptoms related to BDD (Body Dysmorphia Disorder). I started searching for one who specialized in therapy for this condition in August. Although I was matched with a therapist a month ago, this person isn't equipped for what I primarily want counsel for. After my therapy session, I talked about the situation with my primary care physician, who was the person I first spoke to about it and received the referral from. She advised me that it would be better for me to continue independently researching for someone on my own, preferably a person who accepts my insurance.

Now that you have a prequel, on with the write.

Day 9

Illustration by Lindsey Pinkerton

Today I am feeling a high level of discomfort. It's the dysmorphia perhaps playing tricks with my mind. I looked in the mirror, saw myself 20 lbs heavier than I actually was. Everything seemed like it didn't fit, although, in reality, it fits just fine.

I got fixated on the fine details that didn't go well. The belt buckle that neither Jazz nor I could figure out to operate. How I debated changing my outfit. But there wasn't time. And I would have to alter my makeup or make my new outfit fit the theme.

No, too much work.

But how to cover up all the extra fat and bulges? Maybe the button-down camo shirt. Cute. Camo sheik.

No, too much camo. The workplace may think I am at war with them instead of trending.

I throw the shirt aside. Put the hooded duster back on. Focus on the accessories in the hope that it takes away from the bloat. I come downstairs, fighting not to over obsess. 

No one is going to notice.

If you were a fat pig, Jazz would have told you.

Would she have or lied to me just to soothe your anxiety?

Just sip your coffee.

Focus on your breathing.

Get it together Monica.

Just. Stop.

Just. Breathe.

Just sip the coffee and let the caffeine and warmth drift you away. After you microwave it, of course, because it's getting cold as you type this.

After doing some breathing exercises and getting words of acknowledgment and affirmation from Jazz, my anxiety lessened. By the time I got in my car to do my commute, my brain reset on the tasks I had to do for the day. Shifting my anxious energy into productivity helps. It will be great to get my walk(s) in during my break or lunch if it’s not too cold. I wore my thicker leggings underneath my pants today to prepare for the opportunity. Fingers crossed.

Well, a little over a year and a half after my transfer, I’m going to be learning some more things. It doesn’t bother me because I’ve wanted more information about what happens after Step 1. Step 1 is the part that I do, but slowly, I’m going to ease into doing some of the steps which follow. I hope that this gives me the opportunity to branch into other segments.

I was also told that I was someone's weight loss goal. It put me in great spirits for the rest of the day.

There were additional people who tested positive for COVID while I was out. Three people in one week. It makes me glad my booster shot is scheduled for tomorrow but I am not looking forward to the sore arm and fatigue likely to hit. I will take some medication to get ahead of the effects after the shot.

During lunch, it was very cold. So I decided to go to Walmart to see about some things. A lady saw me grab the barbecue protein chips that have lately been in scarce supply. She asked me what they were. I told her protein chips. She decided to get her some. I hope she likes them a lot. 

Well, that's about all I have.

On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday. I hope that tomorrow is warmer than today. I didn't get a chance to do my outside walk, but I still achieved my 8500 daily step goal. I am going to raise it to 9000 at the start of the New Year.

Day 10

I woke up within the time I set for myself. Yesterday, I was running slightly behind. Somehow the volume on my Amazon dot was decreased, so I didn't hear the alarm go off. By the time I did, it was 3:00. I still did my workout anyway but had to improvise, along with not doing as many sets. I've decided to return to having my phone be my primary alarm instead of my secondary.

I am not as uncomfortable as I was yesterday. Maybe I was carrying a bit more water weight. Or perhaps I'm hype about leg day. Although I know I get somewhat sore each session, I concentrate on the award at the end. I returned in time to take a short power nap before getting ready for work. I stayed casual ... after all, it was casual Friday.

It was warmer today so I took a ten-minute walk for one of my breaks. I did not go walking for lunch but did stop by the store to grab some needed food items. I stored them in the breakroom refrigerator until it was time to leave.

Finding somewhere to get my COVID booster shot was trying because the nearest locations either weren't giving shots, didn't have Moderna, or the dates weren't compatible with my schedule. I wanted to do it on a day I was off work, or if not that, on a Friday, so I would have the weekend to battle with the worst of the side effects if they occurred.

From where I worked, it took twenty-five minutes. It was an extra ten minutes for the return trip because by the time my appointment was over, it was the peak of rush-hour traffic. As soon as I got to the house, I popped some Tylenol and will take some more just before going to sleep. I may also put some ointment on the injection site to prevent it from aching as much.

I found myself thinking about Lisa, the lady who strikes up a conversation with me whenever we are in the gym together. Lately, we haven't seen each other because since starting this new trial experiment, I haven't been in the gym on Saturdays and Sundays. In hindsight, I wish we would have exchanged numbers. Perhaps I will offer if and when we see each other again. If this weather doesn't cooperate, I may have to go to the gym just to get my cardio in. Sure, I could continue to do the walking workouts at home, but it isn't quite the same as getting time in on the elliptical or ARC trainer.

Maybe 2022 will be the year that I'll endeavor in a fitness class. Not sure it will be one at my current gym but maybe something like Kickboxing, Zumba, or Aquatics. Someone even said that Spin Cycling would be fun, but I'm on the fence.

If I can find a spot that offers it close to where I work, then I can just go from where I work to the class. Yes, I have a strong level of dedication and adherence to routine. What I don't have is a consistent activity partner or a nearby support system in what I'm doing. However, if the work from home option bill gets passed, then the class being close to work wouldn't have to be mandatory.

Now that it's back to the office every day, it makes me miss the hybrid schedule. It was cool only having to plan a work outfit for three days out of the week.

I'm very happy for Jazz who has decided to try a few exercises on the Total Gym. She has a thirty-day challenge: to do 5 sets of 10 reps of an exercise. She is hopeful that it will become a habit once she does it for thirty days consistently. I am rooting for her.

Maybe tomorrow I will clear off space for the tiny Christmas tree Jazz and I purchased. It's big enough to sit on top of a table. I figured it would be better and more portable with what's to come in 2022.

Okay, let me shut this down. I have some tidying up to do before calling it a night.

Until next time.

Deuces.