31 Days of Journaling: Day 30

Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. I hope all are doing well and staying safe. Since I plan to be busy with other activities, I will also be posting Day 31 separately.

Believe it or not, 2021was a struggle in the realm of being comfortable in my body. I did not anticipate dropping additional weight. In 2020, I legitimately believed I was at my set point. However, in the early part of 2021, my weight decreased again, and I got in a space where the number of pictures I took of myself decreased.

For me, there's always been an adjustment period when I am going through changes. I went through it when my weight was at its heaviest. I went through it as my weight began to decrease. I've never had to adjust as much as I have within these past couple of years.

With that said, I was still able to fish out twelve pictures that I adored (of myself) the most in 2021. In addition, I will throw in some honorable mentions.

Keep in mind, these are my personal favorites of me. They may or may not be on Facebook or Instagram. They may not necessarily be the favorite in the eyes of the public, even those who know me.

First the collage. I find that makes it easier for me to keep items in timeline order.

1st Row features pictures from January thru April.

2nd Row features pictures from May thru August.

3rd Row features pictures from September thru December.

January

The 1st picture was taken in late January. The crown (whether twisted or braided) has become one of my favorite protective styles. I have Jazz to thank for that one. The shorter hairstyle provided an opportunity for me to showcase the longer earrings, which I adore, but for whatever reason, haven't worn as frequently as I would like. This also is the final time I wore this tunic. I ordered it from Ashley Stewart a few years ago, but it encountered the same fate as some of my other articles of clothing, dropped weight to the point where it is obviously too big on me. It will be on its way to some lucky charity come 2022.

Honorable Mention

This picture was taken in early January. I did some experimentation with colors. I paired this Venus top with my Old Navy pants.

The pants were one of the first ones I purchased after Jazz pointed out that I dropped weight. Normally, I would have chosen a red or blue top, but noticed the small strip of yellow and decided to bring attention to that small detail.

I added the fuzzy shoes to bring out the hint of white that was next to the yellow stripes in the pants. Overall, I deem this mix-and-match a success. 

February

The 2nd picture was taken in early February, a few days before my carpal tunnel surgery. It was one of those moments when I felt like taking impromptu pictures. I am thinking but not about anything heavy. I rediscovered my love for caps and hats, just have to size them down slightly, since the circumference of my head decreased by almost an inch.

No honorable mentions for this month. I believe this is around the time I stopped taking as many pictures. Primarily due to my right hand being in a cast for two weeks and focusing on in-home physical therapy. I do know that I was missing my routine of going to the gym A LOT.

March

The 3rd picture was in late March. I was slowly yet surely making my way back into the gym. The doctor told me that I could resume doing weights, albeit not too heavy, and to make sure I wore padded gloves as to not aggravate the hand. I also debuted my new glasses, since I decided to take care of some other medical appointments. I do miss wearing my contacts ... unless they have progressive contacts 🤔.  No honorable mention for this month either.

April

The 4th picture was taken in late April. The crown via rainbow style. This might have been at the end of my workout. I felt accomplished, celebrating my progress and not obsessing over what I haven't been able to do. I am pleased with how well this particular headset lasted, since a few months later, it went to Tech Heaven.

Honorable Mention

I really like the green in the hair. It was something new and different. Enough said 😁.

May

The main think I like about the 5th picture was the puffs and how well the flower earrings meshed with my top. The top was a splurge purchase at CVS years back and I've been a fan ever since.

Honorable Mention

Jazz was undecided as to whether she was a fan of this wig, so I decided to try it on for size. I like the cut but am not fully sold on the color. At least that is what I've decided for now.

June

I was (and still am) absolutely in love with my rainbow wig in the 6th picture. I bought it in honor of Pride and got loads of compliments on it while I was out. There were several great pictures from this month but the rainbow wig stands out for me.

Honorable Mention

It was extremely tough to choose one picture to be a honorable mention, but settled on this picture for several reasons.

(1) It was my 1st time ever wearing this dress. Jazz and I had gone to a cafe to have some lunch and an older man walked up to me to comment on how beautiful I looked. Admittedly, this was a high anxiety day for me but I was working through it as best I could. The anxiety came from the situation with my breasts, discovering that a bra that worked for me a few months back was not adhering to my body properly (aka I was down a size), which added to my frustration over the excessive amount of loose skin.

(2) Once I returned, since the dress overall was comfortable, I wanted to focus on parts of my body that I was proud of. I was loving my arms so struck a pose.

July

There were lots of cool pictures for the 7th month. Finally settled on the simplicity of black and white plaid with a splash of red. It was one of my days where I had to be on site for the office.

Honorable Mention

I had to show off my Black Widow shirt. I hated that it came out so late but absolutely loved the movie. It was my first time going back to the movie theater in a very long time, since the AMC I traveled to the most couldn't bounce back when the pandemic arrived.

August

It was the elegance which led me to this selection for the 8th picture. I've become braver with lighter tones, in makeup and in clothing. I also like the three layers to the necklace, which is a trend that is growing on me. The lace duster from Venus was also new, and I'll be using it more come 2022.

Honorable Mention

Leaping into animal print was definitely my bravest and boldest move yet. Even my co-workers were taken aback. One person said that I was, paraphrasing, "letting my NJ out". Apparently, animal print is a NJ staple. I want to try zebra print but it's been a struggle finding pieces so far.

September

Is 44 the new 22? I don't know but I was on some powerful in purple vibes for the 9th picture. It was my 1st time wearing a dress that wasn't a flare dress. 

Honorable Mention

As part of a belated birthday celebration, I was treated to lunch with friends. My first time wearing this top after purchasing it some time ago. It worked well with the jewelry and the steampunk leggings that I matched with it. I had loads of fun.

October

Due to so much travel (Florida in mid-September and Mississippi during the 1st half of October), I didn't do a Halloween costume for this year. However, I was on a royal type vibe in my October (10th) picture in a new dress.

Honorable Mention

This honorable mention was a toss-up between this picture and a few others. Honestly, I can't remember why my neck definition is so pronounced ... maybe I worked out earlier. I have been rocking headwraps more, so as not manipulate my hair as much. Plus, it's getting colder, and I want to protect my hair.

November

I love it when an entire look comes together seamlessly. The 11th photo was giving. I stumbled upon the big (and amazingly lightweight) earrings in a beauty supply store. The wrap I found on Amazon, deeply discounted.

Honorable Mention

I don't have much in the way of polka dots in my wardrobe. There was the long sleeved dress that I wore a few years ago (on a trip to MS, as a matter of fact), but I do plan on getting a replica, just one size down, since the other one is too big. This pink polka dot dress was one of my first purchases from Shein, and I really liked it. I paired it with pearls for a throwback look.

December

The 12th and final photo in the collage was taken recently. The cowl-neck sweater dress was a new addition to my wardrobe. It wasn't overly cold so I was able to wear it with some flannel-lined pantyhose and some knee high boots.

Honorable Mention

This newly purchased wig went perfectly with my cute Christmas hoodie (that I tried to pass off as an ugly sweater ... they didn't have any my size at the store) and matching leggings. Once I remove the yarn braids from my hair, I may opt to wear this more going into the New Year. We'll have to see what happens.

Thanks for joining me on this picture journey. See you in 2022.

Deuces!

31 Days of Journaling: Days 20 thru 24

 

Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. I know there are some people who do not celebrate Christmas so I hope that saying Happy Holidays covers most of them.

This week has been a whirlwind of a time, so for brevity, and because there are some other activities I have planned later on today, I'm going to take each day and focus on the top 5 "takeaways". 

Day 20

📌 My get up and go wants to stay in the bed during the winter months. I decided to wait until after work to go to the gym.

📌 It was at around noon that my brain asked my body if it really felt up to going to the gym in the afternoon ... on a Monday. I remembered I was just doing Shoulders, Biceps, and Triceps, and I've got weights.

📌 I'm halfway through the 30 day supply of Amberen. It's a medication that helps with perimenopausal symptoms. I'm not sure if it is helping with the bloating but I haven't had any night sweats.

📌 This is one of those times when I wish my period would show up already. The cravings are here. The slight overconsumption of said craving is here (this month it is Reese's Dipped Pretzels that I've mainly been able to find at Wawa). But the period is not. It will be just my luck if it pops up on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

📌 After not being able to get in touch with the recommendation Jazz gave me for my BDD, I had some downtime at work to do some research. I saved the links. I am hopeful because one of the places takes my insurance.

Day 21

📌 The struggle was real in figuring out what to wear. In the end, I decided to wear the long red shirt with the split with my fuzzy leggings with the skull design. It gave me an excuse to wear the silver skull jewelry ... wait, I've never needed an excuse to wear those.

📌 The weather was cold. The arthritis was acting a fool. It's expected. My joints always throb when the temperature gets below freezing. Yet I was determined to get to the gym today, even if it's on a Tuesday afternoon after work.

📌 I hope the Japanese place is nice. Jazz and I have never gone to it. Although it advertises hibachi, I'm unsure whether it will have all of the hibachi antics because of everything happening with the pandemic. Or whether it's reserved for dinner rather than lunch. Tomorrow, either way, it will be nice for Jazz to get a break from the routine of work, errands, and the house. I was glad the time-off got approved, even though I put it in at the last minute.

📌 I remembered to reach out to Dr. Dhillon about my refill on the injections and that they arrive on time with all of the holiday shipping happening. Worse case, I'll just do a brand new cycle.

📌 Jazz and I finally wrapped up looking at all of the previous Matrix movies ... to get our minds fresh heading into the new one. I am excited to see Keanu but honestly, didn't see the need or the zest to have a 4th Matrix. Not sure if I am in the minority or the majority who believed that the Matrix as a trilogy was perfection. 

Day 22

📌 I capitalized on rest, focused on doing my circuit at home. I did not want to be in too much pain leading up to the hibachi lunch.

📌 I was feeling good in my body today. I wasn't rocking my traditional look, but I loved how it all came together. Since I'm only going to have it on for a few hours, I'll probably turn around and wear it the next day.

📌 Jazz had the hibachi calamari. I had the chicken. Overall, the food was good. I was impressed by how well I did with picking up the chicken and the vegetables with the chopsticks. I wasn't so smooth with the rice.

📌 The location we went to in Bensalem was nice. However, the ambiance was ruined by the very loud people on the other side of the restaurant. Not just loud, like having a good time. Like, obnoxiously loud, to the point where we didn't even stay for dessert but just wanted to get away from the noise. 

📌 I had the strange craving for an Oreo blizzard. I haven't craved Dairy Queen in about a decade or so. The one in Bensalem was closed so we traveled to one in Hamilton. Funny enough, we had driven on that street before and didn't even notice one was on the corner. The lady was very kind and told us that she's going to be a grandma. Jazz had a medium-sized one; I had a small one. A calorie-dense indulgence but well worth savoring.

Day 23

📌 I opened up my e-mail to an announcement I predicted was coming. Due to the new virus variant, we have been placed back on a hybrid schedule. They say it is just for two weeks. Probably in the hopes that the majority of the outbreaks will have decreased by then. Honestly, I am happy we are going back to hybrid; I believed it was way too soon for all of us to be in the vicinity at the same time, especially with some people who are not vaccinated.

📌 On Monday, someone tested positive, but they didn't notify anyone until Wednesday. When I was at work today, we got word that someone tested positive. Every other day, since we've been back on-site full time, someone has tested positive.

📌 I am glad I didn't bring my lunch, since we got released early. I played catch-up with my work while avoiding the headlines that the latest Matrix was bad. I didn't look at any YouTube videos except for one guy who gave his reaction as he left the theater. He didn't provide any spoilers but did say it wasn't good. I did tell Jazz that I was tempted for us to give it a look on HBO Max, and if it even acted un-Matrix-like, I was going to cancel going on Christmas Eve.

📌 There weren't too many people in the gym, but I decided to train my chest and back today since I wanted to do a longer leg workout for Friday.

After I got changed from the gym and settled in, Jazz and I prayed to the creative gods that the magnificence of The Matrix would be held intact. 

Let's just say about forty-five minutes into the movie, I went on my AMC app and canceled my tickets. I am not providing any spoilers, but even Keanu giving it his all couldn't save it. It. Was. Just. Bad. Also, because of the way it ended, I predict there's going to be more, and this rendition I'm taking a hard pass on. Oh, well! There's always John Wick.

Day 24

📌 The serenity of being in the gym when there are little to no people. It's hard to describe ... one would just have to experience it. 

📌 I got back to the house, showered, and got changed. Other people had the same idea we did ... grocery shopping in the morning. Luckily, we were able to get everything we needed in one place and didn't have to go anywhere else.

📌 There was a discussion going back and forth between a lady in front of us and a lady behind us. The lady in front of us was fussing about the lack of lanes open (at that point, there were only 2, maybe 3), kept saying it was "poor management". The lady behind us countered, stating that "it's not always management. Maybe they were not as busy the previous year". The lady in the front wasn't convinced. Jazz finally said that it was a mess. I didn't say anything. I know that from the customer's standpoint, it always boils down to poor management. Since I've been the customer and management, I know that it's not that cut and dried. 

📌 This morning, I had something new ... protein eggnog pancakes. They came out rather fluffy and a bit sweet (but not in a bad way). I used even less syrup than I normally do and topped the pancakes with bananas. I definitely wouldn't mind having them again.

📌 My search for the fully fuzzy boot continues. The ones I got from Just Fab didn't have enough room in the toe, and the next size up was sold out 😞😞😞. Off to the land of returns it goes.

I won't be blogging tomorrow. Catch everyone on Sunday!

Deuces.

31 Days of Journaling: Days 18 & 19

Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. It is the evening of the 19th as I type this. I am in the middle of fishing clean clothing out of my laundry bag to put away, but I want to put down this thought because it relates to an event that unfolded on the 18th ... no pun intended.

Here is the thought:

Rumination of the past can cause the ruination of mindfulness in the present.

Yesterday I saw how someone being in his own head could manifest in the present. So much so that even in the moments when one should feel positive, the feelings of apprehension and doom follow. Negativity to this person is accelerated while positivity is delayed, passe, or worse, a stasis that is fleeting or may never arrive. It was as if this individual had created his own Matrix where happenstance had him trapped, that misery is inevitable, but it would be alleviated if he could go back and make different choices.

The obsessive overthinking, however, is the variable that contributes to never getting beyond those moments of failure. When one's head is stuck in the land of "would have", "could have", "should have", and "shouldn't have", he misses out on the now. The chance to initiate change where it counts ... in the now. The chance to find love, acceptance, and purpose in the present so that the future can have fewer mistakes.

Although I brought awareness to him (showed him the door), he has to be the one to walk through it.

The weight of yesterday was lightened by the activity of today. A Marvel movie. A Marvel movie done right and exceeding expectations. Those who decided to sit out because of the disappointment from Eternals should seriously reconsider. That is all I'm going to say. I'm not one to even do spoilers. Just see Spider-Man: No Way Home.

Now back to my regularly scheduled putting away of clothing.

Deuces.

31 Days of Journaling: Days 16 & 17

 

Hello to all! The Unleashed One here. I hope most of your week has been going well. Just before I retire for the evening, I'd like to give you a recap of the events of yesterday (the 16th) and today (the 17th).

Day 16

I made the tough decision to return one of my beauty investments. I say investment because it is more than I would spend on items for my face. However, there were such wonderful reviews as to how effective it was for all types of skin. More importantly, it is targeted at people of color.

I first tried the product about a while back when I first noticed significant changes in my skin. Although I did not have a huge problem with acne my teenage years, I started experiencing lots of acne episodes. The dermatologist I was seeing chalked it up to a hormonal imbalance and put me on some prescription topical aides to assist. 

When there wasn't much improvement, the dermatologist suggested that I go with cleansers and moisturizers that were simple, so they wouldn't counteract with the topical medications. Once my skin had adapted, then she told me I could start adding other products.

During the spring and summer, I had a skincare system that worked rather well but lost its effectiveness once the temperatures got cooler.

I'm not sure if other people have this struggle. During the spring and summer, my face is more of a combination/oily mix, so too much moisture is the enemy. In the fall and winter, my face becomes more of a combination/dry mix, so it seeks moisture to protect it from the elements.

It is annoying because I have not found a regimen so far that works for me through the entire season. 

Once I ran out of my spring/summer routine, I decided to wait until my previous beauty investment was on sale. During the holiday season, it did, so I went ahead and purchased the cleanser, toner, and night cream.

Within a week of using the product, I noticed that the acne was returning. I wanted to do research to see if any other people had experienced more breakouts and irritation with the skin while using the product. I didn't see anything on their website, so I went to YouTube to see if anyone had done reviews on the line of products I was using.

As luck would have it, there were individuals that were having the same problems due to a type of acid in the product that is too harsh for sensitive skin.

I checked their website to see if I was eligible to get a refund. Turns out I would be, if I get the items back to them within 30 days.

I am not going to divulge the name of the company because I may be in the minority where the products' ingredients impact my skin negatively. It just sucks because now, I have to figure out what is going to be the perfect fall/winter line to go with. At this rate, I may have to go back to what I used to use growing up: Noxzema.

I didn't go to the gym but did do some of my workout routine at the house using my barbell and dumbbells. I am continuing to do the sets on the Total Gym in solidarity with Jazz's 30-day challenge.

Although the argyle sweater and houndstooth trousers from Shein were a fail, the stuff I received from them yesterday was a success. I am excited about the rainbow sweater; I just have to figure out what day I'm going to wear it. Maybe one day next week. There was also another sweater I got. The design is a departure from what I'm drawn to, but it works well with the pants I purchased to match. I'm definitely going to wear that this coming Wednesday.

The leg warmers are cute. They aren't as thick as they looked in the picture, but you can only expect so much for less than five bucks, I suppose. 

I've decided to utilize sleep for some recovery and go to the gym after work as opposed to before work on Friday.

Until the next day.

Ta-ta.

lol ... I have clothes on under here, I promise

Day 17

It's Friday ... or as many would say, Fri-yay! Since it's casual Friday, I tend to ditch the makeup. I packed my gym clothes, which included a pair of my new yellow legwarmers. I didn't feel like switching shoes so I decided to wear my gym shoes. I find that on leg day, I prefer to wear my weightlifting shoes. I purchased them some time ago on Amazon. 

Time flew by at work, which I'm always happy about. I received some looks after I changed into my workout attire. It's not like I was in it all day. Plus, I find it easier to change just before I get to the gym because I can start my workout quicker.

It was less crowded this afternoon. I could pace myself easier. In addition, since I went heavier with weight earlier in the week with my leg day, I dialed it down some, since I haven't fully recovered. As I mentioned before, it's one of the downsides to not having a rest day until the weekend.

Once I got to the house, there were two packages waiting on me. One of those packages was from Fabletics. When I dealt with them years ago, I believe it was at the very start of my fitness journey, they didn't have too many styles that have the big external pockets I like, which was why I was drawn to Pop Fit. What has prompted me to give Fabletics another try? Here are some of my reasons:

(1) There's nothing on Pop Fit that attracts my attention anymore. To me, most of their styles look the same, or they've come out with new designs.

(2) The leggings, even the ones closest to my size, are starting to do the slip thing. I could wash them in hot water to shrink them, but at this point, I have too many of them to go through the effort.

(3) None of the Pop Fit leggings have a lining that keeps my legs warm in the cooler weather. It gets tiresome and time-consuming for me to double layer.

(4) Fabletics now has more variety, including the external pockets that I like.

I ordered two pairs of leggings, two pairs of socks, and two bras, just to see if they will fit me. One bra fit fine in the band but too tight in the cups. The other fit fine in the cups but too loose in the band. To be fair, one I ordered in the small (which was the one that was spot on with the band). The other I ordered was in the medium (which was comfortable in the cups). The one in the small was too uncomfortable for me to put on. It wasn't the kind you fasten; it's the one you have to pull over your head, which I'm not accustomed to. I kept being afraid that I was going to get stuck in mid-try-on. 

One pair of leggings is arriving separately, but the one pair that did come fit well. On top of that, they were lined and in a color I don't own, so I will be keeping them and the pairs of socks. I may see if I can get the medium bra sized down to a small in the more comfortable bra. The not-so-comfy bra is getting returned.

The yawns have begun. Time to shut this down.

Good night all!

31 Days of Journaling: Day 15

This one seemed to fit.

Early AM thoughts while working out:

• More times than not, I am the only woman in here at this hour, apart from one employee, who may be the manager.

• There is a man who I deem "Old Faithful". He is always here, usually already working out. When he sees me, he waves and I wave back. We don't know each others' names. What motivates him? Does he ever say, "Screw this," roll over, and go back to sleep? Maybe resting on Saturdays and Sundays is his reward.

• The gym logo looks better on a sticker than etched into the walls.

• Is there really a benefit in doing the Hip Abduction exercise in reverse? Or is it one of those activities that Instagram fitness influencers started doing and it caught on?

• Have you ever thought about sleep but by the time you are in a position to get sleep, the sensation has passed? Just me? Okay.

I am really liking the hair today. Especially the designs in it. The weather held up enough for me to do my walks on my 15 minute and lunch breaks. The effects of Leg Day are starting to kick in.

For January I am contemplating switching my two core walking days. Sometimes it is hard as heck rising early to do my workout. But I do want to still keep it two days back to back to keep with the experiment. Friday and Saturday sound appealing too. Decisions, decisions.

Today we got word that someone else at our office tested positive for COVID. We are wondering if it's that new variant since it made it to New Jersey not too long ago. In any event, more people are pushing for us to return to the hybrid schedule we were on before or make working from home a permanent option for us. If so, I would definitely sign on for that. Why couldn't they have waited a little longer when gas prices were cheaper? #JustSaying

This is one of those days where I don't have much to talk about. Perhaps I will call it extra early to give my body some more sleep and recovery time before tackling my workout for the next day.

Yep, sounds like a plan.

Until next time everyone. Take care and stay safe.

Deuces.

31 Days of Journaling: Day 14

Greetings everyone. The Unleashed One here. I did the best I could to fight off some of the side effects of the booster but since I am experiencing a great deal of body aches and exhaustion, I opted for a sick day. Luckily, I had Tyrion Lannister around to keep me entertained.

I ended up looking at this movie on Netflix called The Shack. It didn't get a lot of love from the critics but I found it to be a touching movie. For me, it does challenge one's perception of religion and spirituality. One's thoughts on how much God intervenes. God's motives and God's methods. It has really lingered and makes me want to do more exploring as to how certain beliefs have manifested in my life. That is too much to cover for this entry though.

I tried Smart Pockets for the first time today. I toasted one (because I prefer the bread warm) and stuffed it with turkey slices and cheese. It was rather good and not calorically dense. I think I may switch to these because I don't use as much bread anymore. Lately, I have been throwing out more bread than using it, and I don't like to waste food. Plus, the Smart Pockets only come in bags of 6.

I was brought this as a surprise snack. It mimics the flavor profile of the Reese's Dipped Pretzels that I like so much.

Okay, think I am going to rest some more. With enough drugs and rest, I should be good to go for the morning.

Until next time,

Deuces

31 Days of Journaling: Days 12 & 13

Hello everyone! The Unleashed One here. I don't really have a fancy introduction to walk you through the next couple of entries. I suppose we should get down to the meat and potatoes of everything, shall we?

Day 12

Today was a nice day to be out. The sun was out and the weather did not feel as cold. Rarely do I wear pink but I decided to do so.

One, to try something out of my norm. Two, because I was not in the mood to wear a jacket and hoped the fuzzy pink pullover would work as a great substitute. It wasn’t planned but Jazz was also wearing pink. I thought it was pretty cool that she noticed it first before I commented on the similarity.

As I accompanied Jazz on her side hustle, the best way to describe how events played out was a role reversal.

Usually, it would be her with the funny comments and I’d chime in every now and then, being content with the silence. This time, I was the quippy one, desiring joyous noises while her energy seemed preoccupied and scattered. Even the music, which would be a cool compliment on drives when energy was upbeat or when we didn’t have much to talk about, was off, downright annoying.

She does tell me to switch the station if and when I don’t like the music, but I’ve never been one to touch another’s radio unless asking. Heck, I don’t let anyone touch the sound system in Finesse when I’m driving. 

I did other activities to preoccupy myself but it was one of those rare moments when I’d rather be talking. I rediscovered how much I liked playing Hearts electronically since installing the game on my phone, slightly more than Gin Rummy.

I didn’t want to hear any sad music. I didn’t want to feel any sad vibes. But I know better than anyone that just because you switch the radio station, it doesn’t always trickle down to emotions or mentality.

When one is in the clutches of depression … in the cage of the hamster wheel where anxiety and disappointment keep the bars rusty … it’s not that simple.

When you are in a situation where one is dialed into the darkness and the other is finding one’s way out, the one that just got a sprinkle of happiness and hope doesn’t want to be in a position to get sucked back in. At the same time, that person wonders if shining in happiness will put the other person deeper in despair.

All I can do is be there. As much as I can anyway. To delve too much into trying to proactively heal and save is what got my empath unhealthy in the first place. Just like I am doing my own work and having my own process, I have to sit back and let her find her way. 

An egotistical thought creeps in for a millisecond: For decades, I did not have this consistent support when I was going through the chaos. Key word is consistent because most bailed, didn’t really care and only wanted me to be there for them, or wanted me to circle back when I was more positive. That applies to those I dared to be transparent with. Oftentimes, I battled the madness, lonely and alone. How fortunate she is to have so many who really see her light and try to help her, consistent people in her corner, like me.

Then, I realized how scathing, mean, and unrelated the thought was and cast it aside. I then dared to go beyond the dismissal and get to the details behind my Shadow’s appearance. By Shadow, I refer to the element of my Ego that can be hypercritical and displacingly selfish.

In the past, I did feel let down by people who gave me a different reaction when I showed them my vulnerability.

From those experiences, I am learning that I cannot measure people’s reactions based on what I would have done.

I cannot assume that others have levels of empathy and sympathy.

I cannot surmise that everyone has common sense or walks around with knowledge of unspoken rules of etiquette. They have a right to not want to be around me when I am not that calm, objective person they know me to be that can listen with compassion and give them an answer on the spot. They have a right to use the question, “How are you feeling?” just as a lead-in to get their dump on. 

I also have a right to decide whether based on those responses how they rank in my life or if they need to remain in my life at all. That is why, over the years, the number of people has shrunk. I wasn’t angry; I just knew they weren’t in alignment with being lifetime members.

I do believe that there can be divergence in how one sees life, perceives the world. I even believe that some differences can provide learning and growth.

But that is different from having people in your life that balk at having to navigate through conflict, confrontation, and struggle.

I confess that for my core friends, the individuals I refer to as family, the ability to navigate through conflict, confrontation, and struggle without having the quick response to clap back defensively (without truly hearing what’s being said) and activate elimination is important to me. You can’t be at my core if you get cold the moment something I say, do, or don’t say or do causes you to get hot.

However, if I don’t speak to all of the emotions that I have, even the not-so-pleasant ones, I do a disservice to myself because I don’t want to have to wear the masks around the people I want to fully trust. Also, I don’t do anything half-ass with people I want to have as lifetime people.

The best relationships aren’t those that never have conflict. The best ones are those people who can recognize each other’s emotional language and express maturity to do what is needed to work through it with conviction and compassion. In those connections is where the greatest love flourishes, and even when the temperature of love changes, the ability to do the former marks sustainability.

I thought about the Christmas movie I looked at on Netflix a few weeks ago. It didn’t make me feel sad, probably because it was more a comedy than anything. Honestly, I haven’t watched any romantic movies that weren’t comedy-based in many years. I wish so many holidays weren’t marketed to couples. It makes people wish they were in one, sad they aren’t in one, or bring back the times they were in one.

There are some series that I’ve been watching but not from the lens of finding romance, per se. With Love at First Sight, it was the concept. With The Circle, it was about the strategy to get the money and that question if one can really be as popular or more popular representing yourself. Love Island is for research purposes.

Perhaps I’ll challenge myself to engage in one sappy romantic movie this year. Not Sleepless in Seattle or You’ve Got Mail because I’ve seen those already and absolutely love those. But maybe a modern-day one, just to see if I can get through it without “trauma” feels.

Day 13

In retrospect, I should have ordered a smaller size in this colorful blazer I’m wearing. I tend to order my jackets a size bigger to allow for layering and increased arm definition. Yet, this item was on final sale, and I didn’t want to take the chance of ordering the Medium from Shein, and it ended up being too small. On the website, it can be hit or miss. I also prefer trying on my clothing.

I do like how everything came together. Even the headwrap, which I originally wasn’t going to wear, but I had a perceived hairdo fail, which led to the coverup. I have to go work out later anyway, so perhaps it was for the best.

One of the places that I was looking at for 2022 fell through. Sure, I could have asked if he was willing to negotiate, but I want to see what else is out there. Also, there may be some requirements that may have to end up being electives if there isn't any place that fits the price range and the criteria. I am hopeful that more selections will be presented at the start of the year.

This new search has dug up some Treasure Chest Trauma. That is the name that I've given stuff that I haven't given myself the chance to process, grieve, or tackle. In most cases, it had nothing to do with avoidance, just being so busy with surviving that processing emotional stuff seemed trivial.

I reflected on how much I missed the semblance of home and ambiance of community at the first place I resided when I first moved to New Jersey. At the second location, although pleased at having the spot for myself (at least for a brief while before my relationship with my ex-husband), I always perceived it as a space of transition ... to make due until I got to where I really wanted to be. 

It didn't feel like almost nine years from that place to the current one. The current one should have served as what I deemed the final move. And now ... which I'll discuss once everything is said and done ... it isn't the final move, just another transition.

What it all boils down to is that I've attempted to recreate the physical manifestation of what I was forced to leave behind in 2008 ... and have yet to find it. 

I believe my body is still fighting the effects of the booster. I stayed determined to go to the gym but I couldn't produce as much output as I would have liked. I gave myself credit for what I could do and drove home to finish up at the house. Today was the day I would have done my fast, but my body wasn't in that space, so I did break it to eat something when I got the shakes.

Jazz had me try some of the protein brownie bites she'd made. They were rather good. They weren't very dense at all.

I am going to call it a night and see if I can have a better go at the gym tomorrow, preferably in the morning instead of going after work.

Wish me luck.

Peace.

31 Days of Journaling: Day 11

Greetings everyone! The Unleashed One here. I confess to not having a core topic, so I will be all over the place. Perhaps I was feeling the side effects of the Moderna booster shot this morning, but there was a whisper of a headache this morning prior to having my coffee. But it was only slight at that point, just enough to let me know that it was there. 

Jazz let me know that Charlemagne the God had done an interview with Travis Scott, who hasn't spoken much on the Astroworld tragedy that occurred. She mentioned to me yesterday, and honestly, I was not in the space to watch it. I was in a good mood yesterday and didn't want to wreck. Therefore, we decided to watch it this morning. Perhaps Travis would show some remorse, accountability, or compassion. Perhaps he would speak more about his care for the victims as opposed to doing damage control for his image or trying to get ahead of all of those lawsuits. I wasn't being wholly optimistic. Although I am not a fan of his music and I don't understand this trend of "raging" at a concert, the least he could be is a decent human being. 

Jazz and I got about twenty-five minutes in before me not being able to deal.

First off, I have never heard anyone say "you know" as much as Travis Scott did. To me, it does not compute to be lyrically sound and have no social skills during an interview. It almost made me question if he even writes his own stuff.

In addition, his body language doesn't ring as someone who is truly feeling accountable. Uncomfortable, for sure. At times, even defensive, with certain questions. Confused, definitely. But nothing to signify true remorse in his energy. From Travis stating that "raging" is an act of "love" ... those two words don't even belong in the same sentence ... to behaving as if he has absolutely no control or say-so in the amount of security needed for his concerts ("all he does is the art and creative stuff"). He really expects anyone, especially the families, to buy that? 

I was flabbergasted and then angry. I hope all of the families that are suing get every dime they are entitled to and then some. Travis Scott should have listened to his team and kept his mouth shut. For he did nothing to provide comfort. He probably has pissed some people off, if anything.

I took some time to decompress while getting a head start on some bill payments. I also got some advanced tickets for the new Spider-Man and the latest Matrix movie.

I am still on the fence about whether a 4th Matrix movie should have been done when it was originally supposed to be a trilogy. What can I say? I adore some Keanu. Once this is done, I'll be awaiting the next installment of John Wick.

I confess ... I am not fully sold on if Jared Leto can pull off Morbius. I despised him in Suicide Squad.  I will keep an open mind. He looks comfortable in what he's doing. Therefore, I will hold off on my thoughts until I see the movie.

One movie that isn't getting seen in the theater is The Batman. I'm just not in that space. I didn't like when Ben Affleck played Batman and I don't like the guy best known for being "Edward the Vampire" playing Batman. Maybe if I'm bored and it's free to watch on TV, I will look just to see how horrible it is ... much like what I did with Batman vs Superman.

I'll write some more tomorrow. 

Deuces.

31 Days of Journaling: Days 9 & 10

 

What's good everyone! The Unleashed One here. Before I start off my journal entry for Day 9, I have to give some backstory leading into this. I will cover it more when I resume "The Layers of Chronic Illness". Therefore, I will sum it up in this manner.

Earlier this year, I recognized that I was experiencing symptoms related to BDD (Body Dysmorphia Disorder). I started searching for one who specialized in therapy for this condition in August. Although I was matched with a therapist a month ago, this person isn't equipped for what I primarily want counsel for. After my therapy session, I talked about the situation with my primary care physician, who was the person I first spoke to about it and received the referral from. She advised me that it would be better for me to continue independently researching for someone on my own, preferably a person who accepts my insurance.

Now that you have a prequel, on with the write.

Day 9

Illustration by Lindsey Pinkerton

Today I am feeling a high level of discomfort. It's the dysmorphia perhaps playing tricks with my mind. I looked in the mirror, saw myself 20 lbs heavier than I actually was. Everything seemed like it didn't fit, although, in reality, it fits just fine.

I got fixated on the fine details that didn't go well. The belt buckle that neither Jazz nor I could figure out to operate. How I debated changing my outfit. But there wasn't time. And I would have to alter my makeup or make my new outfit fit the theme.

No, too much work.

But how to cover up all the extra fat and bulges? Maybe the button-down camo shirt. Cute. Camo sheik.

No, too much camo. The workplace may think I am at war with them instead of trending.

I throw the shirt aside. Put the hooded duster back on. Focus on the accessories in the hope that it takes away from the bloat. I come downstairs, fighting not to over obsess. 

No one is going to notice.

If you were a fat pig, Jazz would have told you.

Would she have or lied to me just to soothe your anxiety?

Just sip your coffee.

Focus on your breathing.

Get it together Monica.

Just. Stop.

Just. Breathe.

Just sip the coffee and let the caffeine and warmth drift you away. After you microwave it, of course, because it's getting cold as you type this.

After doing some breathing exercises and getting words of acknowledgment and affirmation from Jazz, my anxiety lessened. By the time I got in my car to do my commute, my brain reset on the tasks I had to do for the day. Shifting my anxious energy into productivity helps. It will be great to get my walk(s) in during my break or lunch if it’s not too cold. I wore my thicker leggings underneath my pants today to prepare for the opportunity. Fingers crossed.

Well, a little over a year and a half after my transfer, I’m going to be learning some more things. It doesn’t bother me because I’ve wanted more information about what happens after Step 1. Step 1 is the part that I do, but slowly, I’m going to ease into doing some of the steps which follow. I hope that this gives me the opportunity to branch into other segments.

I was also told that I was someone's weight loss goal. It put me in great spirits for the rest of the day.

There were additional people who tested positive for COVID while I was out. Three people in one week. It makes me glad my booster shot is scheduled for tomorrow but I am not looking forward to the sore arm and fatigue likely to hit. I will take some medication to get ahead of the effects after the shot.

During lunch, it was very cold. So I decided to go to Walmart to see about some things. A lady saw me grab the barbecue protein chips that have lately been in scarce supply. She asked me what they were. I told her protein chips. She decided to get her some. I hope she likes them a lot. 

Well, that's about all I have.

On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday. I hope that tomorrow is warmer than today. I didn't get a chance to do my outside walk, but I still achieved my 8500 daily step goal. I am going to raise it to 9000 at the start of the New Year.

Day 10

I woke up within the time I set for myself. Yesterday, I was running slightly behind. Somehow the volume on my Amazon dot was decreased, so I didn't hear the alarm go off. By the time I did, it was 3:00. I still did my workout anyway but had to improvise, along with not doing as many sets. I've decided to return to having my phone be my primary alarm instead of my secondary.

I am not as uncomfortable as I was yesterday. Maybe I was carrying a bit more water weight. Or perhaps I'm hype about leg day. Although I know I get somewhat sore each session, I concentrate on the award at the end. I returned in time to take a short power nap before getting ready for work. I stayed casual ... after all, it was casual Friday.

It was warmer today so I took a ten-minute walk for one of my breaks. I did not go walking for lunch but did stop by the store to grab some needed food items. I stored them in the breakroom refrigerator until it was time to leave.

Finding somewhere to get my COVID booster shot was trying because the nearest locations either weren't giving shots, didn't have Moderna, or the dates weren't compatible with my schedule. I wanted to do it on a day I was off work, or if not that, on a Friday, so I would have the weekend to battle with the worst of the side effects if they occurred.

From where I worked, it took twenty-five minutes. It was an extra ten minutes for the return trip because by the time my appointment was over, it was the peak of rush-hour traffic. As soon as I got to the house, I popped some Tylenol and will take some more just before going to sleep. I may also put some ointment on the injection site to prevent it from aching as much.

I found myself thinking about Lisa, the lady who strikes up a conversation with me whenever we are in the gym together. Lately, we haven't seen each other because since starting this new trial experiment, I haven't been in the gym on Saturdays and Sundays. In hindsight, I wish we would have exchanged numbers. Perhaps I will offer if and when we see each other again. If this weather doesn't cooperate, I may have to go to the gym just to get my cardio in. Sure, I could continue to do the walking workouts at home, but it isn't quite the same as getting time in on the elliptical or ARC trainer.

Maybe 2022 will be the year that I'll endeavor in a fitness class. Not sure it will be one at my current gym but maybe something like Kickboxing, Zumba, or Aquatics. Someone even said that Spin Cycling would be fun, but I'm on the fence.

If I can find a spot that offers it close to where I work, then I can just go from where I work to the class. Yes, I have a strong level of dedication and adherence to routine. What I don't have is a consistent activity partner or a nearby support system in what I'm doing. However, if the work from home option bill gets passed, then the class being close to work wouldn't have to be mandatory.

Now that it's back to the office every day, it makes me miss the hybrid schedule. It was cool only having to plan a work outfit for three days out of the week.

I'm very happy for Jazz who has decided to try a few exercises on the Total Gym. She has a thirty-day challenge: to do 5 sets of 10 reps of an exercise. She is hopeful that it will become a habit once she does it for thirty days consistently. I am rooting for her.

Maybe tomorrow I will clear off space for the tiny Christmas tree Jazz and I purchased. It's big enough to sit on top of a table. I figured it would be better and more portable with what's to come in 2022.

Okay, let me shut this down. I have some tidying up to do before calling it a night.

Until next time.

Deuces.

31 Days of Journaling: Days 7 & 8

 

Hello to all! The Unleashed One here.

This past Tuesday the 7th, I worked on legs and abdominals. The glute machine is one I tend to bypass because I use other exercises to target my glutes. However, since I was working out later than usual, and I don't like to do my glute brides and squats when there are lots of people, I decided to give this machine a whirl.

My impression of it is that it's awkward. It took time to get used to the chest pad. However, once I did, it wasn't so bad. I suppose it will do in a pinch.

Speaking of crowds, it has started to become easier for me to become comfortable. I made up my mind to become more adaptable. If there is a situation where I know it's more beneficial to have the machines to do my workouts, then I still go to the gym. With there being more people, I mask up more than usual. I tend to do less rest between sets and limit my number of reps.

Do I have to? No, I don't have to. I do want to be respectful of others who may be waiting on a machine. I want to be that person who practices good gym etiquette. I even put the weights back in the proper place, and I confess it irks the crap out of me when they are out of order.

The 7th was the last day of my staycation. Although I did not do any traveling, my mind and spirit felt rather rested. Some activities I did not have the opportunity to do before I had the chance to invest in. Perhaps I should do this "staycation" business more often heading into the new year.

Today was my first day back since the end of last month. In hindsight, I should have worn an extra layer under my pants. I think someone forgot to turn up the heat in the building. I was cold the majority of the day but didn't want to stay wrapped up in my coat.

Speaking of coat, I got a chance to wear the salmon pick side of the reversible coat. I do admit that I still prefer the gray, but only because the gray side has more pockets.

I had some catching up to do but not as much as I feared. I was told by my co-workers that I was featured in a slideshow at the small holiday shindig, which I missed because I was still on vacation. I did wonder which pictures were being displayed. I hoped it was the one in the asymmetrical top I loved so much that has since been donated. I haven't been able to find another top like that yet which has suited my fancy.

Since I didn't get up super early to go to the gym, I traveled to the gym after work. Funny enough, there is a gym in the city in which I work, but I still drive the extra ten minutes to go to the one I'm familiar with. Plus, even on its busiest day, it's less crowded and congested than the one closest to my job. Today, my focus was shoulders, biceps, and triceps. Admittedly, this is one I have done at home in the past, using my barbell and dumbbells. Therefore, focusing on just these three areas, and not having them paired with other body parts, is new for me.

Usually, when I work out, I completely zone out on purpose. I have a systematic way of doing my sets and reps, dependent on time constraints, if I'm going light or heavy, what body part(s) I am training the next day ... there are so many variables. Rarely am I aware if anyone is looking at me while I'm working out. That is, until today. 

I admit, in the past, it would have freaked me out. I would have had all of these questions, like "What in the hell are you staring at?" or "Does he think I'm weird for lifting weights?" Maybe I would have even walked away and gone to a different area due to feeling uncomfortable. 

This time, I just stood my ground and kept lifting my weights. I didn't get preoccupied with what he might or might not be thinking. I just focused on what I came there to do without walking away or giving him any stank eye. 

Not to say that I am going to switch my schedule fully to working in the afternoons. But I am getting to a space where I don't mind it as much if and when I have to do so. That, in the realm of working through my anxiety, is progress.

Now if only I can get to the next step of recruiting activity buddies.

I guess I'll save that for another entry.

Until next time,

Deuces.