Soul Cleanse 38: Shadow Work Updates

 

Greetings everyone! The Unleashed One here. Before I dive into this Soul Cleanse ...

For those who celebrate Easter, Happy Easter. For those who do not, I am sending positive, peaceful, and productive vibes your way.

It has been close to three years since I've done my last Soul Cleanse post.  The title of it: Nope, not today. This Soul Cleanse isn't going to be a continuation of what was occurring back then. It's more so an update on how I've been doing, especially topics I've been addressing during my Shadow Work.

Without further delay, let's get into it.

Update on Shadow Work 3: Inauthenticity

One of the topics I wrote about in this post concerned my inability to express to people (mainly those closest to me) that I'm not doing well. In the post, I covered all of my reasons behind that, so I won't rehash them here. However, how can I open the door for loved ones to be there for me if I keep silent? I also recognized the emotional and mental carnage that was placed on me due to being silent.

Since that post in September 2020, I have made significant strides in not using the default answer when asked "How am I doing?" with those I consider close. Funny enough, I am more apt to disclose emotional discomfort than physical discomfort, which is strange because I have written about my medical struggles in multiple entries. I guess it just depends on which one is more bothersome at that time I am having my experiences. 

What I do still need help with is how to communicate with others that just because I am going through something or expressed an issue, that doesn't automatically mean I want the person to fix it or that it's an open door to give advice. Most of the time (I say about 95%) when I say I'm not okay and I express what is troubling me, it's to have an outlet, so I'm not stewing on the topic. Admittedly, some topics, I get deep in my head about, and that deep dive, dependent on that trajectory, can land me in the Sunken Place.

If I do want advice on something, I will say, "What do you suggest?", "What do you think?", "Am I looking at this wrong?", "How would you handle it?", etc. I recognize it is on me to not preface prior to speaking on my issue, "I'm not looking for advice. I just need to vent." 

Another struggle involved utilizing my "no" in social settings where food was being served that I don't eat a lot of or no longer eat at all. I went into detail in that post involving how I was brought up ... that to say "no" when food was being offered was seen as rude. If I wasn't going to finish the plate in one sitting, then one took it to go. There was no "throwing away food".

Since then, I've dealt with it in the following ways:

(1) If I'm able to avoid attending the event, I will just say no.

(2) If I know in advance there is an event coming up that doesn't have or provide some of my healthy options, then I make preparations. Some of those preparations range from fasting or eating light days prior to the event to adjusting my fitness regimen accordingly. I may even have a filling meal prior to prevent overindulging in the food options at the event.

(3) I now avoid taking food "to go". Since eating healthier, if I don't eat the dish in that setting, it's less of a possibility I have it for leftovers. If I can't get anyone else to eat it, then I just leave it at the restaurant.

I am feeling less guilty about not eating everything that is on my plate. It does help that the plates I use are plates with dividers or the salad size plates rather than the traditional dinner plates. It assists me in  portioning, so that I can have a realistic view of what is proper to consume versus overindulgence.

Update on Shadow Work 8: Heartbreak and Personal Accountability

In that Shadow Work, I revisited a topic I hadn't written about much since it occurred almost 14 years ago. Many online got to know me through journal entries concerning this particular person. The Shadow Work asked if I was somehow responsible, and although difficult, I worked through my part in the demise of the situation and was able to do so without the pain surrounding the relationship bubbling back to the surface. 

Doing this Shadow Work exercise opened the pathway for me to become more forthright when expressing my discomfort in relationships. Since I do remain dedicated to "making stuff make sense", it can be a process for me to get my thoughts together. I am working on being less concerned about the person's reaction (re: going over different scenarios in my head) and more focused on the benefit of me stating my piece to avoid having my peace disrupted. With people who are not on the top totem pole in my life, I don't have that length of hesitation. It's mainly with people I care about.

There are some who don't like my approach (re: could be "kinder"), but my directness gets misread as being rude, uncaring, or ruthless. People who really believe that either (1) don't know me at all, (2) lack the emotional maturity to handle real, honest, conversations, or (3) I've tried communicating in other ways but it just hasn't been effective. 

I can offer apologies for hurt feelings, but I'm no longer offering apologies for speaking on the topic. If a friendship or romantic relationship is made of grit, one should be able to talk without there having to be a full-on meltdown. Everyone's communication style is different as well as how conflict is handled. As for me, if I'm extremely livid, I do need to disconnect and reassess. I don't like going back and forth with people. I don't like people trying to gaslight me or invalidate my feelings. I don't like people insisting on getting the last word or continue to talk once they know that I need space. Otherwise, my mouth can get foul, cutthroat, and reckless ... or the most frequent outcome, I shut down.

When I'm given the opportunity to calm down and process, then I can come back to the table. If I don't come back to the table, then said individual really messed up, because only people whose company I don't give a damn about get that finite treatment.

Now, I'm not afraid to let go of those I've outgrown. I can appreciate the nostalgia without being with the person in any capacity whatsoever. Note: Not being afraid doesn't mean that it isn't difficult; the decision just doesn't have as much emotional impact as it once did.

Update on Shadow Work 10: Promises to Myself

In the last Shadow Work, posted in January 2021, I spoke about certain relationships and behaviors I unexpectantly returned to. In particular, patterns that existed in romance. After my last romantic involvement ended in late summer of 2018, I have put a pause on activity as it relates to dating. 

I'm not going to say that it doesn't have moments where it can be lonesome, but that loneliness never sticks around for me. Having this space where I am not involved with anyone has given me the opportunity to reconnect with myself, as well as redefine what I want and what I don't want. 

Am I any closer to giving it a try? I have branched out to do research. I may try a different site that I haven't before plus visiting someplace familiar, just to see if the landscape has changed. Who know what has happened since 2015/2016? 

Is it an experience I'm for sure going to do this year? Well, the jury is still out. If I decide to tap my toe, I am going to chronicle my experiences. It'd be cool if there could be an organic meeting of someone, without the presence of technology, but that's almost like anticipating a million dollars to show up on my doorstep.

Just like I would take the million dollars, I wouldn't mind the start of the "How we got together story" to go ... "I was taking a morning walk when I saw the other person, waiting patiently for his pet to finish peeing on someone's yard" ... or some such. For me, that sounds more romantic than matching on Facebook dating or Bumble ... 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♂️

I think I've given everyone enough reading material for now.

Soul Cleanse 37: Nope, Not Today

Hello all. The Unleashed One here. It's been a really long time since I've done a Soul Cleanse, but to be fair, a whole lot has occurred. I'm not saying that to make excuses. It's true. 

Therefore, I won't waste any time. I'm going to jump into the thick of it.

Nope. Not today.

It was late 2018. I was vacationing in Vero Beach, Florida. I was at their local Walmart and couldn’t resist the purchase. On top of that, it was a light hoodie and shirt set. On most days, it is meant as a joke.

I was initially going to wear a different outfit. I tend to pick my outfits in advance. My original outfit was going to pair a reddish purple shirt to match the small pinstripe lines in my gray menswear cut slacks. However, since our work place decided to relax dress code for the remainder of the week, I wanted to take full advantage of wearing jeans. When I switched to the jeans, I felt the need to change the top. The hoodie and shirt was the change.

On this day, the message resonates different. This is my Soul Speak:

Nope. Not today.

Nope. Not tomorrow.

Nope. From this point onward.

Let me begin with some back story.

Note: I never know how long my Soul Speaks are going to be but they are typically detailed. I encourage you to grab you a snack and a drink, or if you aren’t in a space to read something heavy, wait until you have extra time and then return. I just free write.

Now that you’ve been warned, moving on.

Before identifying and embracing my gift as well as educating myself about it, there was always this underlying propensity to help. Since one of my strong suits is the ability to listen, there would be people, ranging from the stranger on the street to people at work to close ones, that would just talk to me without me saying a thing or inquiring about their troubles. In the past, when my circle was larger, if I was able to help, I would do so. When times in my life became strained (in a financial sense), I’d still try to do what I could. At my core, suffering bothers me—in particular, suffering that is inflicted due to an external circumstance or by another party. Over the years, I began transitioning. Pulling back that helping hand propensity due to bad experiences. I won’t go into extensive detail because I’ve covered a lot of examples in earlier Soul Cleanses, but I will give an overview on the one which impacted me the most. In mid-2008, I’d suffered a heartbreak. Although I adored the area, the ex's family wanted me off the property when the ex moved out. Since it was too hard on my pocketbook to remain in that area, I made the smart but difficult decision to relocate, although that increased my commute time to work from under 10 minutes to over 20 minutes. Along the way, there was this male friend named “J”. He lived in NY; I was in NJ. Our main connectivity was his love for music. We shared the same astrological sign as well, although his birthday is in August and mine is in September. He would tell me about certain experiences that he didn’t have, so as a friend, I thought it would be great to bring some of those experiences to life. As the old saying goes, “Give someone an inch; he’ll take it a mile”. “J” took it a thousand miles. Soon, he was demanding things. Some of these things were on the more extravagant side. I couldn’t pinpoint why he was tunnel visioned on high end items when he was living with a female roommate and wasn’t working. Later, due to the roommate’s financial straits, she decided to move back in with her parents. “J” didn’t want to check into a homeless shelter but wanted to move in with me to my new apartment.

I wanted to have an opportunity to be on my own. Plus there was no guarantee he would pull his financial weight. I didn’t want to be in another situation where I’d have to be the heavy and take care of someone. When I refused “J”, he smeared my name to everyone who would listen, even with people that had friendship with the both of us. Once that happened, I 86’d him. I felt he had used my good nature to try and get over on me—be “hobo sheik” as people deem it now. That was the major turning point … a signal flare that I’d have to be more protective of certain elements of myself because of how they could, and often do, get misconstrued by others.

Recently (in the past couple of years), I decided to no longer suppress what I was finally able to identify as being empathic. At first, there was little to no control over it … to the point where I felt powerless. After doing some research, I began to do the work associated with this trait, so that I can master the surroundings which can trigger an empathic overload. I can’t really describe how it is to feel others’ emotions or to see inside people. It is different for everyone. For me, it varies based on the type of energy they radiate. One thing is for sure—the people who are closest to me are the ones I’m the most impacted by. Like, if the energy is off, it’d wreak havoc on me, to the point where I would get physically ill, even if the person wasn’t in proximity. The mantras and shielding help, but with some, it takes a lot more effort. A lot more effort, as in removing myself from the equation to reset. Before my growth, the R.R. (or Running Reflex) would manifest from patterns whose birthplace was in my upbringing. The immediate members of our family would not speak about things which bothered them. More often than not, their method consisted of (1) keeping silent forever or until something propelled them to anger or loose lips or (2) confiding in someone I was the vessel that served as the confidant of chaos. Although physically I was too young to truly understand or heal what plagued them.

It was difficult to speak truth without feathers getting ruffled … without a person going below the belt, going “tit for tat”. Storming off in a huff, the slamming of doors, and the shedding of tears was always the end game. There was never that moment when the disagreeing parties came together, talked it out in a calm, civil manner, apologized for the wrong, or discussed ways to move forward so that the misunderstanding wouldn’t resurface. Instead, it was never brought up again or the person ended up cutting the other out of the person’s life. If there was the rare occasion where the parties were steal dealing with each other it was very strained. Like going along to get along. It became easy for me to equate speaking what’s on one’s mind as a negative thing and silence as being a golden thing, a positive thing. But, in its extremes, silence is a suffocating entity. It shackles one into responsibility for another person’s emotional flux. It gets to the point where you become a robotic form of yourself, using context clues and body language to develop an algorithm. You learn what you can and cannot say as well as what you can or cannot do in order to sustain the most peaceful environment possible. You adjust the calculations based on who you deal with. This is what I became. Each form of myself was adaptable. The crime is I not only became less of myself but had to decipher which was actually me and which was “worker” me. For performing on that level was work. It was easy in those days to deny the essence of soul sight and soul feel. It was easier to draw those who were damaged, seeking my help. No, I never sought them out. They came to me.

By the time the imbalance came to light, it was too late … too late in the sense of my love for some of these individuals. Where love became a tomb instead of freedom. Where I would feel guilty for being angry at those who used the healer in me to be psychologically and emotionally manipulative. Those who have followed me since my Yahoo 360 days know the story of “M”. For those who don’t, here’s a baby recap. About a year and a half before our union ended (late 2006/early 2007), “M” was engaging in self-harm practices and was frequently suicidal. Although I was suffering, I stuck around because I loved “M”. I thought being there for the hard times was part of love, even if the personal cost was tremendous. “M”’s therapist stated it was best for us to reside in separate rooms and not interact as a romantic couple until “M”'s behavioral difficulties got straightened out. I agreed to that, caring about “M”’s overall well-being. “M” repaid me by vacating our shared residence in mid-2008. The emotional and psychological manipulation played out more after the breakup. You see, “M” thought we could still be friends after the abandonment. Each time “M” couldn’t cope, a nervous breakdown would ensue, along with being admitted into a psychiatric hospital. During these times, “M” would call me.

Not Mother, not Father, not Younger Brother, but Me.

At the time, I would come running, for I was initially told that by “M” that the reason for leaving had to do with getting to a good place psychologically. The truth flooded in after the last suicide attempt. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, “M” revealed the new lover decided to leave the relationship as the reason for the neurotic breakdown. This “new lover” had been around three months before “M” left me. “M” had psychologically and manipulated me to still be there when members of the family didn’t want to be bothered with the madness. The deception crushed me. The whole “boy who cried wolf routine” just to get me to come incensed me. It was the last time I visited “M”. I did not answer any more of the attention cries. “M” wasn’t the only succubus. My ex-husband was one also.

This existence is very draining.

It was around my divorce when I got sick of all my “forms”. I destroyed the prototypes in order to live a more authentic me … to have peace in my own existence. That cannot be achieved if truth is held back by fear or anticipating what the other will say. One of the healthiest practices that an empath can enact is setting boundaries, even to those who are the closest. In all actuality, setting boundaries for one’s inner circle is the most important.

Since I’d been traveling through life without this important premise, people believed they could do what they wished and get away with it. Because I put others before myself, I subjected myself to atrocities that I’d never wish on anyone else.

Silence wasn’t the savior; it was the demon that needed an exorcism.

The exorcisms have caused quite a few to run for the hills. I guess they didn’t need to be around anyway. Or they weren’t ready to do the personal work that was necessary to be part of my space. To occupy my time, my thoughts, and my space is not a given. Nor is it a right. If anything, it is an honor because as a person who’s also an introvert, if I take time to talk with you, think of you, or interact with you, it’s saying a lot … for I could be utilizing that essence in other ways.

At moments, it’s just as easy as typing what I just typed for a person to go apeshit and blast off. Yet I’ve grown. I’m no longer willing to be someone’s emotional punching bag based off unresolved trauma or because you can’t get to the person you are really pissed off at. When I think that is what’s happening, I’ll speak my piece and then I disengage. It does no good to battle another’s trauma in a current situation, for it has nothing to do with me. Besides, one cannot speak rationale to one who has the capability to take past trauma and manipulate it to suit the current situation. Don’t put thoughts there that aren’t in my mind or my heart. That gets me lit, especially when a person says that “they know me”. If I am truly known by a person, that person should already know that I don’t do a “tit for tat” or keep track of what a person does and doesn’t do. I do that with people where I don’t give a damn whether they are in my presence or not. Or folks who borrow money from me and I have a timeline on when I get those coins back. Matter of fact, I don’t even lend money out anymore. However, if I deal with you on a spiritual level, to let that poison emit from your lips is sacrilege to me and causes me to view you with a bit of side eye. I never speak on perfection unless it pertains to me. Therefore, I’ve never expected it from anyone else. At best, I want a person to handle themselves in an honorable and authentic way. In my experience, that’s slim to none. For me to expect perfection in others is asinine. Truthfully, I don’t even demand it of myself anymore: that’s how far along I’ve come. I strive to be the best I can be when I can and while I can. Some days it is easier than others. Therefore, when the narrative of my “expecting perfection” gets flung at me, I also deflect it, for I never claimed to be perfect nor has that language ever come from my mouth to anyone: in my circle or not.

Why is my running reflex in activation?

It goes back to the performance of things outside of mantras and shields. I am in a space where I need cleansing from spiritual toxins. When someone close to me regresses and goes into toxic deflection, it is a way to protect myself to prevent those energies for taking host in my spirit. If people share similar trauma, then sometimes an active one can resuscitate one that was dormant in someone else. I’m at a high level of self-awareness where I can discern between speaking because something is bothering me in the present and spouting off based on trauma’s synapses. Interactions can become strained if I’m enmeshed in the purpose of constant evolution and healing while another person isn’t consistent with exerting logic over the illogical and repeating habits which self sabotage, not only one’s self but the very person who has been anything but the opposite of the very whispers trauma is saying.

Nope. Not today.

Nope. Not tomorrow.

Nope. From this point onward.

I don’t want any love coated with fear, anxiety, trepidation, paranoia, expectation, or obligation. I know what’s that like. I’ve been on the giving and receiving end. That love is a slow kill that dismantles methodically. It taints everything it touches. I want a love that nourishes, that encourages, that is fearless. A love that speaks truth to save others. A love that remains even in the tough times. A love that is healthy enough to let someone walk away, even if the person one loves the most is the one causing the tumult. A love that is not ashamed to acknowledge, accept, apologize, and amend in a way that can produce solutions. A love that opens the door for vulnerability and recognizes the strength in that. A love that respects the grieving process for a bond that has received too many knife stabs for liquid cement to work but accepts that a new one has to come into bloom, even if the cost is starting at square one.

From this point onward.

Peace.

Soul Cleanse 35: The Necessary Stop Sign

Hello everyone!  You may have noticed I have been around, just not on this particular blog.  Yet maybe that is a small part of the problem.  I haven't had the time to do a personal detox like I want to because so many other things (for the most part, good things) have pulled my attention more towards A Queen's Ramblings and The Review Board than anything else.

So I come with this important service announcement:

If you don't have any joy to spread my way,

I'm afraid I can't entertain your visit today.

The reserve I had on supply has been diminished

And cannot be used on you once it's been replenished.

You look a bit confused.  Don't worry.  I will elaborate.

There are a few things that I am known for.  People really close to me can attest to this.  I have a great deal of empathy and tend to pick up when people are going through things, even if they don't straight out tell me.  

** The downside of this is others who seek healing and sanctuary automatically come to me when the proverbial shit hits the fan.**

Don't get me wrong.  It's not that I mind it.  If I can really be there and listen, I have no problem with it.  If I can't really solve the problem, but can find a way to make coping a bit more bearable, then that is all right, too.

It is a problem when people take this courtesy and deem it a requirement.  

It is a problem when people are going through their issues and think it's okay to take it out on me (with no apologies for the offending behavior).  

It is a problem when a person doesn't even check in to see how I'm doing but just starts going on about their travesties as if I don't have things going on.

True, I don't open up and tell every Barbara, Chance, and Horatio (thought it would be a welcome switch from Tom, Dick and Harry) about what's going on with me.  One, I don't trust everyone.  Two, I don't impose to the point where I am a burden on anyone.

But one has to understand this:  If I am going through something (even if I'm not telling you directly), that energy has to be directed towards me.  Energy I am exerting towards another person acting as his or her problem solver is taking away from investing that energy in myself.

If a person doesn't want to tell me something, fine, but it's unfair for a person to then get mad and take whatever insecurities and inabilities to deal like a mature human being out on me.  Especially when the person didn't even check in to say, "How are you?  What's wrong?  Is there anything I can do to help?  Would you like to talk about it?"

Sometimes, that is ALL it takes to keep a small molehill from becoming an emotional mountain to climb.  Just be considerate.

Usually, it's the one's closest to you that are pushing the buttons.  A close friend, significant other or a family member.  The very ones that lean on YOU to take care of EVERYTHING don't take time to check on you to make sure you are functional enough to take care of anything (a mouthful but you get the picture).  If you're NOT up to snuff, they get mad and wonder what your problem is--NOT because they are genuinely concerned but they are caught up in what you aren't doing for THEM.  Or they care, just to get you functional enough to serve their needs again.  Then they are right back to acting disrespectful towards your whole aura.

I can't make people act right.  All I can do is shine a flashlight on the behavior and then people have to decide whether they care enough to even want to change.  People have to decide whether their stubbornness is worth destroying things and people they claimed were important.   

Avoidance can be just as detrimental, even more so, than conflict.  At times, the act of avoidance is the conflict, or causes even more conflict.

I don't have the energy to invest in absorbing other people's negativity, selfishness, and projecting.  It isn't beneficial for my health and my spirit.  I am recognizing just because I try and be respectful of a person's overall disposition doesn't mean they are willing or will do the same for me.  

I need that separation to replenish and want others to give me that fifty feet.  It doesn't necessarily mean that when I do get to top speed that you'll still have access to me.  But at least everyone is getting the warning now.  Before, I just would have gone ghost.

I have to do this because I recognize this pattern, and I know where this is going. 

Bring me joy.  Bring me happiness.  Bring me good news.  Bring care about my well being.

Hope you saved enough money to invest in a real therapist at this point.  Even if you didn't....

Soul Cleanse, that's a wrap!

Soul Cleanse 34: My Newest Role (Hindsight, Discoveries, and Everything in Between)

Combination of everything

Jocking for position

Each thing believing it’s the most important

No honorable mentions

Just requiring validation

Their opportunities to shine

The only thing I can say is

One thing at a time.

-Queen of Spades

Hmm...that side tail does look like the business, eh?

Greetings everyone!

It’s been a while since I've done any type of Soul Cleanse.  Heck, it’s been a tiny minute since I've done a personal blog with the prequel to the Life Event, the Life Event itself and mixed reactions.

How does it feel?  How does it feel to be an actual wife?  To be on the inside rather than the outside looking in?

I want to share with you (if that's all right) a hindsight and some discoveries.  It may not be in any particular order; I just put them down according to how they flowed out.

Discovery 1:  One of the discoveries is that one has to let go of the fantasy of marriage.  What I mean by the fantasy of marriage is when one thinks the marriage will stay in the same ambiance as the moment of the wedding and the honeymoon. I'm not saying a marriage cannot be full of happiness the majority of the time, just to not be surprised when there are some off days.

Discovery 2:  Also, it is easier to get married than to maintain marriage.  It’s like cashing in the Money in the Bank contract when you see the champ is wounded after a match and can’t defend himself.  Sure it was easy getting that belt; the challenge is in keeping it.

Discovery 3:  In addition, there are so many people who say being single is where it’s at.  If that is indeed the case, it doesn't make sense for me to get more attention now (as far as being noticed) than back in the day when I didn't have anyone.  Was I ugly before and suddenly got sexy once a ring was put on my finger?

Discovery 4:  Marriage is more than a piece of paper.  There's a mentality, a maturity that goes along with being married.  It is not easy to promise yourself to one person.  You can't hold on to single type acts when you are in the play of matrimony.  

Looking Back:

There are some who will say that since the Sweetie and I lived together for quite a while (since early 2010), it should feel no different now that a ring has been put on the finger.  

On this, I would have to disagree. 

Hindsight:  Perhaps it would have been better if he and I had spent some more time not residing in the same place.  One of the reasons I say this is due to the fact that he didn't have that real taste of being fully independent (like not having a roommate/bachelor lifestyle) prior to us living together.  Also, if he and I were to have a spot, it would be one that we picked out together and could truly be ours, rather than my being in the apartment for a little over two years, not having to deal with anyone, and then having the space occupied.

It’s a different feel.  You feel like you’re together in the space, rather than one person just residing in the space.  In that sense, I confess to putting a slight stunt in the development.

(In the future, I hope this gets rectified.)

Being a significant other to someone is more than just a title.  There is a demeanor, a responsibility that goes along with it, especially when you are making the transition from girlfriend to fiancee’ to wife (even from boyfriend to fiance' to husband) .  

As the bond between us began to deepen, interdependence, independence, and cohesiveness as a couple walked (and still walks) a fine line. (more on this further down)

I had to really stop and take a look at certain things.  Were certain behaviors mannerisms of being a good mate? 

I also had to stop and take a good assessment of my circle.  Were those people truly happy for me no matter what?  Or were they waiting for something to go wrong to speak the mantra, “Bump that mutha fucka; you don’t need him!”?  Did their viewpoints come from a truly objective place or from an understandable place of pain?

All of that had to be taken into account. 

I am one who is in tune with the twitching of my 3^rd Eye when it comes to individuals.  The Sweetie is a bit more open minded (I don’t want to automatically assume blind) when it comes to new people trying to become closer to the fold.  

Firm Stance:  I feel anyone coming in that is new (whether single or coupled) should really take the time to get to know the both of us, not just one of us.  To me, marriage is a package deal. 

It just doesn't feel copacetic if I’m getting to know someone new and the Sweetie isn't aware of the new person that has entered.  Let’s all talk; let’s all get together.  There may be an instance where the new person may get along with one better than the other but it shouldn't get to a point where the bond of husband and wife is disrespected.  There is a right way and a wrong way of doing anything.

In addition, for those old friends—especially in the dynamics the Sweetie and I have (majority of his friends: female; majority of my friends: male), the message has to be conveyed—respect has to be given to the union.  If in the past, the person felt like they could call all hours of the day of night, he has to be put on notice that same protocol in a married situation may be viewed at as disrespectful.  It’s my responsibility to let my male friends know thoroughly, just like it’s the Sweetie’s responsibility to let his female friends know that he can’t be Dr. Phil 24-7. 

Let me go back to that tightrope—the balancing act between interdependence and coupledom.  There are some activities he likes that I’m not crazy about, just like there are some things I’m into that isn't his cup of tea.  Yet I don’t think I have to always be involved in what he is active in.  

I still feel like it’s important for a person to enjoy things outside of spending time with the other person without feeling some type of guilt.  

Would I like him to be open to trying some new things at least once?  Yes indeed.  

Am I going to demand it out of him each and every time?  No.  

The worse thing that can happen is that he hates it; then he doesn't have to do it again.  

But what if he likes it?

Discovery 5: (My Take) On the same token, one can’t get so caught up in the other activities that you forget you are in a relationship—where one isn't carving out time for the other person.  Coupledom shouldn't start feeling like a chore; it should be something joyous—a way to mentally, spiritually, and emotionally connect.  One shouldn't mind putting off the activity just for that time to invest it with the husband or the wife.

I know there will be varying views on this, but I've never needed a mate (even before I got married) to be constantly under me.  That hasn't changed now that I am married. 

As a FYI:  Being a wife doesn't make me an altogether different person.  To me, it’s an added role.  It’s a representation of another side of me.  I can be the person who goes outside the home and makes the money.  Yet, I still take great pride in being able to provide a home cooked meal, an organized space, and trying to maintain a clean space.  

So I laugh when some people come out of the woodwork and say, “You’ve changed.  This isn’t you!”

It makes me wonder if they truly knew me at all.

More to come a bit later.

Peace.

Practicing My T's: New Activity-The Unexpected Long Nap

September 30^th: New Activity: The Unexpected Long Nap

There is a difference between sleeping and resting your eyes.  I think for the past few days, I must have just been resting my eyes, and this practice was disguised as sleeping. 

Since I had a full workout yesterday, I opted not to go to the gym.  I got off work, came back to the apartment.  I had some leftovers from yesterday and thought I was going to lay down to do some reading.  I've been switching between 50 Shades of Gray and Dead Until Dark. 

So I grabbed Dead Until Dark and was reading a few pages.  I set the alarm for an hour later with the goal of getting some more cleaning done. 

When I woke up, it was close to one in the morning.  Guess this was to show me what true sleeping was all about.

Practicing My T's: New Activity-15 minutes on Elliptical

September 29^th: New Activity:  Achieved 15 minutes on the Elliptical

After the 2^nd gig, I went to do my work out.  I am happy to report that I’m finally able to achieve 15 minutes on the elliptical machine.   Yippee!!!!

Practicing My T's: New Thing-Medical Bargain Shopping

September 28^th: New Thing: Medicine Bargain Shopping (with much needed assistance)

I went to my doctor’s appointment.  I’m still not quite sure how I feel about him as it pertains to my ailment management yet.  I do respect the fact he wants me to show him my logs on each appointment and that he is open to cutting down the dosage on my medication.  He doesn’t want me doing it on my own anymore.  He wants to see how I’m panning out on my original dosage.

He also wants to see if the new medication that Dr. B (my old doctor) wanted me to take would be helpful.  I originally didn’t pick it up because it wasn’t affordable.  Yet, he wants me to take it.

I decided to pay a visit to the social worker.  Her name is Lynn.  I explained to her my situation regarding the medication, and she gave me a card, told me to go to the in-house pharmacy and have Shop Rite transfer the prescription there.

When the transfer took place, it made the medicine (with the discount card), about 50% cheaper.  It definitely made the purchase more attainable.  

Practicing My T's: New Thing-Car Repairs Being Less Than Expected

September 27th: Having a car repair be less than expected.

How many times have you come in with your car to have one thing fixed, and it turns out several things are wrong with it?  Even worst, in order to fix the one thing you have to fix the other things, too?

With the cars I've had in the past, even this one, I've come to expect the worst, due to my experiences.

Trip down memory lane.  I promise I will get to the newness.

My very first car I had was my favorite.  It was a Kia but it was a hatchback, so you would probably think "Station Wagon".  I loved how many miles to the gallon it got (about 38mph or so) and I also liked the bumper stickers I had placed on it (My favorite: If you think Education is Expensive, Try Ignorance).

I named the car "Miracle" because I thought it was a Miracle I was actually able to get it.

When it had stuff wrong with it, it tended to have a lot of stuff wrong with it (like $500-900 a pop type stuff), but once it got fixed, it was smooth as sailing.

During the time I had Her, I fell on some tough times.  I was trying to support who I was with at the time.  That person had just quit the job, so everything was on me, regarding this person's medical expenses.  I fell slightly behind on the car payment.  Unfortunately, they were unwilling to work with me, and I had to be honest with myself what I could handle and what I couldn't

So Miracle vanished.

After that, I dealt with two other cars.  I didn't expect perfection or for them to run like new, but I didn't anticipate all of the hiccups.

On the bright side, I didn't have to make monthly payments on them.  On the downside, it might have been better for me to take a taxi (considering where I worked at the time wasn't exactly transit accessible) than for all the problems I had with them.

The second vehicle (nicknamed B**ch and PITA (Pain in the Arse) ) I got in a really bad accident.  Trying to do my job during a snow storm, although it was advised not to travel.  I almost got killed.

The vehicle had damages which well exceeded what I had paid for it (although it was still somewhat drive able), and I did experience a few anxiety attacks even after the ordeal.  After I secured the 3rd vehicle, my anxiety attacks began to dissipate

The third vehicle (nicknamed Tiny), although I had no accidents in it, did need quite a bit of work.

The mechanic I normally went to at that particular time (aka "a guy who knows cars") got into a serious falling out with his friend ("the guy who he could get parts from at the fraction of the cost" aka "the hook up").

In my arrangement with the mechanic, I would pay for the labor, and he would take care of securing the parts.

But since his partnership with his friend fell apart, he had to look for a new person who could give him the same type of deal as his friend.

He found out rather quickly how massive a deal his friend had been giving him.

Plus, he found out how small the auto mechanic community was.  His friend had spread the word concerning their fall out, so many people refused to work with him; the one who decided to wanted full payment, up front.

However, he didn't fully explain what had happened to me.

Instead, his prices started going up.

At one point, I discovered he was trying to charge me more than what the major chains were charging for the same type of work.  I felt like he was trying to take advantage of me, so I stopped going to him and tried to take care of as much as I could.

The second vehicle suffered the same mishap in the sense that the maintenance and problems were more expensive than what I paid for the vehicle, so I had to leave it alone.

My current automobile, top picture, (which is deemed Hazlenut) is a later model than my past three.

The day before, I noticed that once again, air seemed to be leaking out of a particular tire.  Each time I got it filled, I did ask if there was something in the tire which could be causing the leak.  Each person I talked to said "no", although to each's credit, it was dark during the time he was trying to look and feel.

I got air put in it again last night, and the guy was trying to tell me I needed a brand new tire, even was trying to sell me a new one for $140.  I told him I would wait until the next day (today) to go see about it.

I got up early to go the repair shop down the street.  I had myself mentally prepared to pay up to $150 for a replacement tire.

The repair shop found a screw embedded in my tire, but claimed they would be able to fix the tire without me having to dish out money for a new one.

So this was one of those days when I ended up paying less than expected, and I was quite happy!

Practicing My T's: New Food--Chips with Malt Vinegar and Sea Salt

September 26th:  Malt Vinegar and Sea Salt Chips

I am not sure if I am in the minority or the majority with this one.

I, for the most part, wait until after I have purchased a product before I start indulging in its' goodness.

However, at the second gig, at times, I have seen either the customer or the customer's friend, family member, etc., starting drinking or eating the merchandise before it is paid for.

In most cases, no harm, no foul; the person has the money for it.

This case was a little different.

The guy opened the chips (the ones pictured) and started eating them.

Then, he walked over, looked at the drinking options. He was a bit upset because we didn't have Snapple or Vitamin Water, but the reason we don't carry those things (or a lot of things) because there's a Sunoco/store literally one to two minutes away which has the rest (at a more affordable price).

So he walks up to the register; I ring up the half eaten bag of chips, and he only has $1.  Now if it was, let's say a few cents off, I would have let it go.  If he had been a more pleasant customer (and if I had the extra change in my pocket), perhaps I would have done a good deed for the day and let it go.

"I'm sorry; I only have a dollar--will you let it go this time?"

"Dude, you are short by a dollar.  If it was a couple of cents, I would have done it; this instance, I really can't."

"I've already eaten some of the chips..."

"Well, you shouldn't have been eating chips you can't pay for.  The price is clearly posted underneath the chips." (which is it--black background, loud white writing)

So he gets upset, flings the bag of chips at me, causing some to fly on my person and the counter, and storms away in a huff.

As I was cleaning up the mess, I figured I would sample the bits that landed on my work clothing.

The vinegar, and I'm not sure if it was because it was malt vinegar, was so overpowering (ugh).  You couldn't really taste the salt; it was as if you were eating vinegar.

Perhaps it was the brand.

Either way, I don't see myself trying this again, either by accident or on purpose, any time soon.

P.S (1):  I did ask management if we had any policy in place prohibiting the customer from using a product until it is paid for.  I have yet to get a clear cut answer.  I guess if it happens often enough to the point where they start losing money if customers can't pay for it, then this rule will get put into play.

P.S. (2): They did bring back an old rule regarding the customer and receipts.  If the customer doesn't get the receipt, then their purchase is free.  However, what does one do when the customer refuses the receipt or wants it thrown away?  Do they still get the stuff for free?  It would be different if the majority of the sales came from novelty items (keychains, shirts, phone chargers, etc.) or situations where the customer may have an issue and try to return the product.  But usually people come in for a snack or drink, something they are going to consume within the next ten minutes anyway.  I just question how necessary was the bring back for this rule.

Practicing My T's: New Food-Dannon Greek Yogurt

September 25th: Trying some Dannon Greek Yogurt

I've had yogurt before, but never the Greek.  It definitely has a richer texture than other yogurts, but I found it incredibly yummy.  

Practicing My T's: New Food-Jasmine Rice with Chick Peas

September 24th: Had Jasmine Rice covered with Chick Peas

Yes, I've had Jasmine Rice before.

Yes, I've had chick peas before.

Both are very yummy.

However, I have never had them together, so figured I would try it.

A pretty nice combination!

Practicing My T's: New Activity-Surviving Through XBox Zumba Class

September 23rd: Surviving Through a Zumba Workout.

Yes, Zumba is fun, but it is also work.  Going through the whole aspect of mastering the moves and then putting them into action.  By the time you are finished, even with the short ones, you can get worn out.  But I enjoyed myself!

Practicing My T's: New Activity-Substituting Free Weights for Machines

September 22nd: Substituted Free Weights Exercises for Machine

I had the fortune of SOS accompanying me during my workout session this past Saturday.  He was able to show me some exercises via free weights that could do the same as the machine.  

Soul Cleanse 33: R is for Recognize

Soul Cleanse 33: Recognize that forgiveness and closure is for me, not for the other person.

One of my closest friends and spirit sisters, who I affectionately call Pooh Bear, posted this in her notes a while back, entitled 6 Misconceptions About Forgiveness.  The author is unknown, but I want to address some of these to shed some light on my own issues regarding forgiveness.

'' Excerpts From 6 Misconceptions About Forgiveness''

1. Forgiveness isn't condoning the behavior--- To forgive isn't saying, "What you did is okay."  It is saying, "The consequences of your behavior belongs to God, not to me." When you forgive, you transfer the person from your own system of justice to God's. To forgive is to recognize that the wrong done against you is a debt of sin, and all sin is against God. Therefore, in forgiving, you transfer the debt from your ledger of accounts to God's, leaving all recompense in his hands.

This is one of the top reasons why in the past, there was hesitation in me to forgive.  I believed if I forgave the person, I forgave the act being done to me. 

One major example was how things played out with the old poetry organization I used to be affiliated with.  Two people I was close to on that site betrayed me, resulting in my exit from the organization.  It left an extremely sour taste in my mouth.  This happened back in 2002.

Fast forward to ten years later.  

One of the parties I did resume communication with a few years ago via Facebook and eventually telephone.

The other party reached out to me May of this year, but I haven’t responded since the “friend request” and the message sent to me.  So the situation is kind of in limbo—yet I don’t want to carry this around or leave it unresolved.

2. Forgiveness isn't restoring trust--- Trust is earned. To blindly trust someone who's hurt you is not acceptable and is irresponsible. If a person's a thief, it's foolish to give him a key to your house…. As such, forgiving a wrong does not mean extending the person an invitation to sin again.

My mom and I have different views as it regards to forgiveness.  She believes just because a person forgives her, it means trust must come with it as well.  However, I don’t necessarily view it in that way; that provides the great divide between us.  It’s not that I don’t want the two of us to have a relationship but over the years, I have become more realistic as to the type of relationship she and I can have.

When I was growing up, I had this romanticized view of her and the type of relationship she and I could have if she were around more often and if circumstances were different.  I know, through my own experiences and through her own actions that it wouldn’t have mattered.  The outcome would have been the same.  Once I came to terms with this, it lessened the pain and made me able to come to the point where I could forgive. 

She has provided so many scenarios where she cannot be trusted.  I can’t just let her have free reign, but she is disappointed because I won’t allow her to.  It’s not hate that has caused this but learning from my experiences.

3. Forgiveness isn't synonymous with reconciliation----It's a necessary step toward reconciliation, yet reconciliation isn't necessarily the goal of forgiveness. In fact, there are situations where reconciliation is not a good idea. If the other person's unwilling to reconcile due to bitterness or denial, you can still forgive. But it's silly, if not dangerous, to seek reconciliation when the other person is unrepentant, unchanging, or unwilling.

Reconciliation is at a standstill with my mother because despite seeing the pain she has caused, she has demonstrated multiple times she is not willing to change. 

If someone is not even willing to acknowledge how their actions may seem wrong or affect others, then as protection for my own self, it’s in my best interest not to give free reign in this area as well. 

Instead of holding on to misconceptions, I should embrace how freeing it is to not carry around heightened hurt, pain, and resentment by embracing what forgiveness truly is. 

If I get caught up on what forgiveness is not, it sets me up to get sucked into a never ending cycle.  The only person that really gets hurt isn’t the perpetrator…it’s me.

Peace.