Sunday, January 10, 2021

Shadow Work Sunday: Journal Entry 10


Greetings everyone! The Unleashed One here. I hope all are doing well so far in 2021. Today I am picking up where I left off with Shadow Work Sundays. So ... without further delay, let's get into the topic.

What is the biggest promise to yourself that you have broken? Do you regret it?

This is a challenging one to address in the present because I am working on not breaking promises to myself. So ... perhaps I should reword the question a bit.

What is the biggest promise to yourself that you have broken in the past? Do you regret it?

Okay, that's better. I think it's time to apply some keystrokes, wouldn't you say.

One of the biggest promises that I broke to myself involved selections in who was part of my life, whether that would be in terms of friendship or romance.

I promised myself that I would not hold on to individuals based on nostalgia, yet for many years, there were people who filled the space for that very reason. Just because one demonstrated loyalty and kindness in the past doesn't mean the person cannot change in the present. Like that phrase "reason, season, lifetime", I discovered I was holding on to the "reason" and "season" people as if they were supposed to be around for a "lifetime". Also, because I do not like for anyone to be in pain, I tended to overthink what their reactions would be, along with how it would impact me once I released those people from my circle.

For the most part, the end result was anti-climatic. I had overthought myself into scenarios that did not play out. At first, I wondered was it because they were never as highly invested in the friendship as I. Once I put all in perspective, perhaps they came to the same conclusion, and because of that, "no harm, no foul".

The letting go had less to do with maliciousness or anger and more to do with necessity and growth.

Once I adopted that perspective, it made the process of letting go of what was not right for me considerably easier.

I also promised myself that I would make better choices in romantic companionship. After the whole fiasco with my ex-husband, I dug deep to try to study what I had done wrong, even put down a list.

Um ... let's see ...

Seeing potential not the reality  ✅

Not addressing suspicious behavior soon enough  ✅

Taking him back when he should have been let go sooner  ✅

Caring too much about what the divorce would say about me, leaving me to stay in a marriage longer than intended  ✅

Trusting in him more than my gut  ✅

Holding on when he was demonstrating through language and behavior that he did not want to stay married ✅

Not circling back to conflicts that were never resolved ✅

Allowing him to believe that sweet talk and sex was the solution when the pain never truly went away ✅

Not bringing up counseling sooner for us and his various unhealthy addictions ✅

Loving him more than myself ✅

I could continue, but I think you got the gist.

When I tiptoed out in the dating world, I really wanted to do things differently, but unfortunately, I ended up falling into some of the same traps, but in different ways.

In one dating arrangement, the guy was telling me language that suggested "monogamy" and "exclusivity", but his actions mirrored that he still wanted to see what was out there. Luckily, I did not get too invested and nipped things in the bud. 

With the other guy, I should have trusted my mind's warning that events were moving much too swiftly ... if it's meant for me, it will be.

Honestly, I was so caught up in his compliments, enthusiasm, and how invested he was in me. It did my heart good for an individual to adore me in such a way, since I had not experienced that since my ex-husband and I were first involved during our dating days. I had almost forgotten what it felt like.

Also, this guy was being very demonstrative in his proclamation and profession of his love for me on all of Social Media. This was new for me, since apart from promoting my activities on a professional level, I am very private about my personal affairs. Truthfully, any time my relationship status changed, it was because the other person put it on Social Media.

He did make me rather happy. I do know I smiled frequently during my involvement with him. Not only for a good photo but because it was how I felt. I glowed from the inside out. To feel this high off joy lowered the amount of caution I would have clung to in conjunction with the short period of time I had known him.

All was paradise until pivotal topics came up. I wasn't in a rush to get married, since I had recently gotten divorced. I was now leaning more towards "no" on having children. He didn't like that I wouldn't agree just to get along if something did not make sense to me. I started asking questions, and when the answers still didn't quite fit, I asked even more questions.

In hindsight, I should have asked these questions sooner before all the major moves happened, but what he did for me emotionally hyped him up to a higher standard which he didn't fit. 

And that was on me.

For if I had asked the harder questions, I would have realized he was utilizing me to get out of a situation he was dissatisfied with. Also, just because you change locations doesn't mean that your character changes. Like, if you were confirmed to be a male thirst bucket at one work location, that doesn't switch once you get transferred. You just find a new person to carry on with.

I repeated the error of holding on when I should have let go. Perhaps it was this fear that I would never feel that sense of euphoria from connecting with another person again. Or the whole stance of "I had him first" or "Surely he'll make the right decision and know I am best for him".

I confess ... when I went ahead and cut the cord, it did sting for quite a while. Even more so because he had connected heavily with my best friend and her autistic son and went out of his way to do both.

This ending marked the beginning of a realization:

I am the architect of my own happiness. Any person who comes along should enhance it.

Along with this realization:

Don't make a person responsible for anything related to Self. Self-healing. Self-actualization. Self-worth. Your own peace. Your own happiness. Your own sustainability. It's a co-dependent relationship that is unhealthy, especially if something goes wrong along the way.

I regret breaking these promises to myself because I put myself in positions where I caused myself unwarranted pain. However, if I had not gone through the strife, I would not have learned the lessons necessary to live my life in a more authentic way.

I am doing a better job discerning between "reason", "season", and "lifetime" people and delving my energy accordingly.

My personal and professional life is rather full. After the breakup, I have not entertained going back into the dating stratosphere.

Do I think I will at some point?

Even with all the happenings surrounding the pandemic, I cannot say for sure that I will take that venture. I am enjoying reconnecting with my old passions and discovering new ones. I am focused on doing what is best for my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. There are so many writing projects I am involved in. Romantic relationship ... where can I squeeze that in at?

The moment when I can say that a romance will not serve as a deterrent is the day that I will strut out there.

But that day has not arrived yet.

Thank you for joining me for this week's Shadow Work Sunday.

P.S. If you have missed any of my past Shadow Work Sundays, they can all be found here.

P.S.(2): Recently I was featured on "The Voice of Indie" on Blog Talk Radio with fellow Author Y. Correa. Check out what we had to say about All Authors Publishing House, our writing projects, and everything in between! Click here to listen.

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