Sunday, September 1, 2013
My Mind's Palm Tree
If there's a palm tree standing at the edge of my mind, what would be beyond the last thought?
What would my idea of heaven be in my mind? If this tree were it, what would it be?
Heaven would be my health being consistently in a good place. I would be at the point where taking medication would be minimal or eliminated. The doctors would be able to come to an agreement with what's going on with my abdominal area. That threat would be taken care of, and I wouldn't have to question my ability to have children. I'd be able to go back to exercising on a normal basis like I was before.
Heaven would be a steady flow of financial ability, not this rocky terrain. I'd look into the eyes of someone who still has that fire to do better instead of getting caught up and wallowing in the pity of the situation. I'd have someone who would keep word to valuing opportunity and not let it get flushed down the drain: someone who would keep fighting by my side instead of feeling like I'm flailing in the ocean when I ask the questions that would give me a sense of stability and peace.
Heaven would feel like a victory, not this stalemate or a situation where both parties feel as if they both lose. One person wouldn't feel like she's given everything she can give while ascertaining the other person hasn't given enough. One person wouldn't stand looking outside the window, wondering why this other person even got into this situation if the other person wasn't going to truly be fully committed. One person wouldn't have to say, "I've given you every reason to walk away, but I'm asking you to stay" without providing the very ingredients to make a premium product instead of dollar store knockouts which represent failure to stay the course and going back to old habits which brought forth the dissension in the first place.
Heaven would be my having the means to get close to the people I know that love me; that truly get me. I wouldn't be surrounded by this ocean of fake smiles, cruel intentions, and fair weather people. I wouldn't feel like an alien that humans want to take out because they'd rather assassinate me than embrace and try to get to know someone different. This place will not ever truly feel like home to me because my heart is still down South. I'm so weary of fighting through everyone's muck and mire, having to answer questions, like everything is a hidden agenda. Hell, I can't even say, "Hello" without someone thinking there's some drama that's going to pop off.
Heaven would just be peace: peace in my house, outside my house, in my body, and in the components of my spirit. That would be the ultimate paradise.
Yet, at this juncture, it seems too far away. It's that speck I'm straining to see, wondering if it's a mirage.