I exposed the full rawness of me, only to get a piece of you...
Some things just call to be written, even after years of silence;
This is just one of those things...
Soul Cleanse 22: The Art of Nakedness
I don’t want to say I ever forgot. I only want to say this was delayed. Delayed for so many reasons. Delayed because I was dealing with so much. Mainly delayed because I didn’t know what to say or how I would say it.
There was a time when I was much more prevalent on My Space than any other social outlet, with the exception of Yahoo 360. That was primarily where I encountered You. I was taken away by Your creative blueprint, Your artistry. What can I say?
Being that I am a writer, I have a bit of a weakness for those who are passionate about art, even if it’s not written or spoken word. My mind was stimulated in a way it had not been for a long time. The talk between those who do things from their chest and who just do things to pass time are mad different. It’s hard to explain to others, but I knew I didn’t have to explain this to You.
I didn’t know where the bond could lead, but all I knew was that I definitely wanted a friendship with You. You wanted to go deeper, bring out elements of me I had kept dormant. I lowered my inhibitions and let You take pictures into my soul and pull out my suppression. You viewed it as an invitation to take things further; I didn’t think they were necessarily in alignment.
Then, You decided to recreate Yourself. The outside and inside did not match. I tried to be as understanding as I could, although I must admit how pleased I had been with the outside.
However, as You strived to achieve Your own balance, the behaviors started becoming unbalanced, and it started becoming harder and harder to tell if You were becoming “less You” or “the one You had been all along.”
The very things I held dear You took for granted, even after I let You know how these things affected me.
Punctuality gave way to me waiting minutes, sometimes hours for You. One instance, You never showed, and because of being annoyed and frazzled, my purse ended up missing; I never got any of the items back.
Then, when I rented a vehicle and made it easier for You to host Your big event. I came from Jersey all the way to upstate NY to support You. Yet, when You were making the rounds, networking with others, You rarely gave me a second thought.
However, You believed I had NO RIGHT to feel some type of way about the situation. Your own family did not help You in your plight (who were closer in proximity), yet I stepped in. You dismissed it as Your being nervous; I called it being ungrateful.
Things never were the same after that. The light I had for You had been deteriorating, but after that, it just died. There were only a handful of conversations afterwards; then, they just ceased.
You were the main one who would say, “Come to me naked.”
Yet, when You brought it out, You couldn’t follow it Yourself. The very nakedness You want in other people You will not give back to them.
I don’t know if You will ever admit this contradiction in Yourself.
You aren’t prepared to handle or console when vulnerability makes its’ appearance, yet You couldn’t fully admit that You can conjure passion if it relates directly to You, but it’s poorly manufactured at best when trying to apply it to other people.
Perhaps you were this way all along but I was caught up in the artist/writer tapestry. I didn’t realize there was a clear divide between the artist and the person. Then, I was forced to choose if I could still find closeness with the artist while detesting the actions of the person.
I got to thinking about our actions towards each other—how much I did because I thought that’s what friends do for each other and the lack of what You did. I saw how unequal things were—not talking about in tangibles but because of what each of us brought to the table.
I brought enough to where there were leftovers; You brought just enough to feed You.
I was unsatisfied with the crumbs.
I know that my door was always an open one while Yours was “only if I invite You.” There would be moments when there would be monthly gaps where I would hear nothing (no call, no-email, no text), and it wasn’t necessarily because you were depressed, going through something, or even insanely busy. It was more because You didn’t care and believed that when You were ready to engage on Your time, I would be available.
Yet, You would feel some kind of way when I stopped being available to You.
You got caught up on the end result, and this very trait made You blind to the processes which caused the result.
But of course, I’ve always been one who looks at details as well as the final draft.
There are some things that can forever lie dormant, and some things which rise, begging for a response.
I was going through some My Space photos, since I’m about to delete my account, and I came across all the photos I took during my outing in upstate NY. Since it’s an event and part of my adventures, I’m going to keep them, maybe dare to share via Facebook. I came across what I wrote in Your guest book, and so much flooded back.
What I want to say is: Be the Nakedness You seek from others. Not only will Your craft continue to evolve but it will show some true growth of You as a person.
Continue to be oblivious of the components which make up great emotion, and You will continue to miss out on people who tried to be a part of Your life—via networking, lovers, or friendships. It’s in Your hands whether those people will remain discarded. And if those discarded never come back, don’t view it as a weakness that You requested them, just as a lesson learned for Your outings next time.