I felt like I was called to do this one, so this is my answering the calling.
Soul Cleanse 22: The Calling of the Scribe
I write this, mainly for me, but also in the hopes that it will reach you. I say it in this way because if I do it in reverse, I will set myself up for failure.
You see, you and I have been at this dance before—where I have expressed to you how I feel, and I put it in your court how to react. Your responses have been what I have grown to expect, and frankly, they have been disappointing, at times, even disrespectful.
So I'm not even coming into this with unrealistic expectations—doing the same thing expecting a different result.
See, I don't believe in putting on a farce. When people are dealing with me, they know they are getting me.
When people are dealing with you, it's like spinning the Roulette Wheel. They just don't know.
One day, they may get the person who pretends to care about others around. The next day, they may get the person who wants to lash out against every unfair thing that even happened way back when that was never quite forgiven or forgotten. Or they may get the person who throws the stone, watches the drama play out, but hides the hand, pretending to be the problem solver.
I would just have more respect for you if you would quit with the fantasy and just be who you are.
If you come clean as to the type of character you are, I don't have to like it but I would give the nod because you finally were true.
All of this “everyone is against me” scenario.
The whole “everyone is wrong except me” scenario.
That's hogwash; I know it and you know it.
Sure, the distant ones may not know it and are lapping up your stories and spin like a cat devours tuna. The ones close to the scenes and can deem, “Same script, different cast” know better.
I don't know if you got corrupted once you left. You were very young when you did. I don't know whether you were already broken, which could have been the case.
It's not up to me to be your therapist...to dig into your mind and provide justification for why you are acting “Mean Girls” instead of “Role Model”.
Even if I could provide reasoning behind your decisions of maliciousness, it doesn't make it right. Also, just because enough people back something doesn't make it the truth.
Example: Let's say you are looking at the sky and it's daylight. The sky appears blue; you know it's blue. Yet there are ten people saying the sky is red. Are you going to automatically jump on the bandwagon and believe the sky is red, even though you see with your own eyes that it's blue?
Of course you wouldn't, but deep down that is what you are expecting others to do.
That is what you are expecting me to do; I know it, and you don't have to say it. It's your very actions that are crying for a response. It's like the child who says, “If I can't get your attention this way, maybe I'll try this way.”
You haven't escaped that mentality yet. It's painful to see it during youth but even more painful to see it displayed later in life.
I've had a myriad of emotions as it pertains to you. Your impact on my life has been pretty significant. I'm not going to sit here and front. Your absence used to bother me a lot. Not being honest in the early going, really hurt. All the broken promises (and I had faith in your words for an extremely long time) affected me the most. The vicious way you would attack people just to make a point or to hurt just because you hurt...I was your whipping girl quite a few times.
Now, looking back, whether you realized it or not, you did me a favor.
Now, you are probably feeling like you made a mistake because of this massive divide between us, but it's a divide that you created, not me.
I held for dear life to the fantasy that you'd be different and you'd change. I clung to it, and it was an unhealthy way for me to be. The moment I adjusted my vision and was able to really see YOU, a tremendous burden was lifted from me. I was torturing myself when I didn't need to. The person I was trying to make proud of me never existed.
It doesn't take away from your role; it does affect how I interact with you.
I know you think just because you are forgiven for something, it means all is back to normal, but this is something else you have put your own spin on.
Just because one forgives something doesn't mean one's actions are okay. It doesn't mean an Etch Sketch is shaken and the offenses are wiped away. It doesn't mean trust is restored. It doesn't mean reconciliation is necessary, nor does it mean I'm doing you a favor.
You didn't come to me and ask me for forgiveness as it pertains to all the injustices you've done to me, nor those who have cared for me in your absence.
Yet you have it anyway because I know who needs to handle that; it isn't me.
The offenses will never truly be forgotten, only the sting of them. The trust has to be earned; you cannot expect it to be given to you.
As far as some type of reconciliation, we weren't that close. It wasn't for lack of trying, but we are just two different people.
You have no idea what type of person I am. You don't know anything about me, nor are you asking the questions to get to know.
I know the type of person you are; your character doesn't sit very well with me nor how you handle conflict. You chose to go on a grand stage and put the blame on others without taking into account the very things you do to accelerate or aggravate situations. You don't acknowledge anyone else's feelings, opinions, and suggestions. Even when someone is telling you constructive criticism or advice you asked for, it gets twisted into someone “hating on you”. Not everyone truly trying to help you is hating.
Yet you let others with proven records of lies, deceit, and betrayal near you and expect your energy to ooze positivity and honor. You expect respect in spite of being disrespectful. You want truth despite your mouth overflowing with exaggerations and lies. You yearn for positive, respectful dialogue when the moment you run into something you don't agree with, you decide to act childish and ugly, yet wonder why no one wants to spend one second with you.
How can you be comfortable living an existence like this year after year? You should know by now the things you are doing aren't working.
Why not try something different?
Why not be real? Why not be honest? Why not treat people with the same dignity and respect you would want for yourself? Why not close your mouth and open your ears and your eyes, since you can learn a whole lot more that way?
Why not advocate cohesion instead of diffusion?
Why don't you quit putting people in the middle of past demons you haven't dealt with and attempting to place them in positions where they have to choose sides?
That is too much like....an ADULT would do.
That is too much like...what HE would do (and HE isn't happy with you right now; if you think HE is, you are sadly mistaken). You're not fulfilling your purpose, like you were supposed to, and if you aren't intending on it, then you should go elsewhere.
That is also too much like...JESUS would do.
I will just leave that where it is. For it to marinate.
At its' best, you'll get mad, take a good look at yourself and make the adjustments necessary to be on the right path. At its' worst, you'll continue to do the same things, chalk this up as slander (but it isn't slander if I have facts that can support it), throw a pity party and keep it moving.
If you are smart, then you should know this message isn't just coming from me. If you think it is, you are not and never have been nearly as connected with a certain person as you claim to be.
Do what you will with it.
It's like he said, “You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink. This person is one stubborn horse. Say it this one last time, then hand it over.”
That's exactly what I'm doing.