It has been a couple of weeks. Weeks of ebbs and flows, but that is the River of Life.
May is going to prove to be quite a month. It will serve as a big test for me because a variety of things—both good and bad have happened to be in the month of May.
The 3rd made two and a half years for the sweetie and me. With the exception of my relationship with M, this is the longest relationship I’ve been in. I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m not going to overanalyze or start believing things are going too well. I’m embracing this stillness and loving day by day. I’m not saying its’ not without its’ hiccups, but the smoothness outweighs them all.
The 5th marked the anniversary of my grandfather’s death. Some very ugly events happened the day of the occurrence. Perhaps I will backtrack in a separate entry with the events, but to make a long story short, my mom had my uncle arrested over some bull, which has resulted in steps being taken as it pertains to arrangements on the property. That is all I’m going to say about it until everything is ultimately resolved.
It definitely did put a damper on everything, since Grandma is still having a hard time coping with his loss. Although there were times where they would fuss and fight, you would never know it because their business was never out there for others to know. They stayed united, and I know they loved each other.
In times of tragedy, you normally find families trying to come closer together; some members in my family, however, are hell bent in tearing each other apart. It is sad, and I know Grandpa isn’t happy about it at all.
The 19th marks the fourth anniversary of the breakup with M. I was asked if I had heard from her by a couple of people, and I haven’t. It’s as if she made herself disappear.
I don’t find myself thinking about her until someone asks me, “When’s the last time I’ve seen her or heard from her?” Then, I really have to think about the situation.
Then I get asked, “Do you miss her?”
That question is a tricky one.
I miss her poetry. I miss the collaborations we used to do together. I miss when I knew she loved me, craved me, and wasn't happy until we constantly meshed together in all ways (and vice versa). I miss the times when she was closest to being purely happy (not manic, but happy). I miss when we talked for hours, when we would take trips—when we exposed each other to new things.
I don’t miss the drama.
I know there are some out there who thrive and live off drama, but that’s not me…not the unnecessary type, anyway. Not when someone is acting so crazy it makes you feel crazy.
I've been engulfed in that…and you can have that back.
In hindsight, I think the two of us making the decision to be a couple probably ruined our friendship. Although she initially made an effort for us to have friendship, I had to admit I just wasn’t ready. The wounds just cut too deep. How could I go back to trusting her in the form of friendship when I trusted her with everything else, and I got torn apart? The healing balm just didn’t have that level of potency. I don’t think my failure to sustain the friendship made me weak; in fact, I think it had the opposite effect. I was finally honest enough with myself to know it wasn’t healthy for me.
May 30th and May 31st will be the birthdays of two of my most favorite people in the world—my sweetie’s sister and the sweetie.
I will deal with the pain and the sadness as it comes and savor the sweetness that follows.
And so it is!