Thursday, April 5, 2012

A Note on Ressurection

I got to thinking about this, due to the upcoming Easter weekend.  I am not sure if this counts as a Soul Cleanse, per se.  It's more a by-product of here it goes.

You will hear a lot of talk about Resurrection.

But there are things we have no business resurrecting.

In some cases, Resurrection gets confused with Nostalgia. Like an old relationship that didn’t really end on bad terms. You both knew it was the wrong time or you were both going on different paths in life. You two are still cool with each other, chat with each other from time to time. You talk about the good times you had while making little mention of any bad ones. You think about the things you had (or still have in common).

Next thing you know, you both are saying, “Hey, why did we break up in the first place?”

Don’t get it confused. Examine why you guys broke up in the first place.

Hey, I’m not hating on a second chance at love, if that’s exactly what it is.

But sometimes, it’s just the feel good from the first one is manifesting into the second opportunity. Next thing you know, the very elements that damaged the first time around are back again.

That’s what I mean by the Nostalgia disguising itself as Resurrection. There’s a reason why the two of you were exes in the first place.

When you go and observe the union for what it was, are the elements that made the two of you exes eliminated? If they aren’t, then don’t try to make them vanish based on the reflection of the old memories.

It makes me think of a relationship I was in close to seventeen years ago. We gave it three tries. I don’t really count the first attempt as much because the first time around didn’t even last a week before I broke the relationship off. Months down the line, actually the summer before my senior year, was when I gave the relationship a second shot. The breakup was a few weeks before prom (as I recall); then, strangely enough, on the very same date he was given a second chance, was the day we decided to do a third dance. He remains the only guy I’ve given three chances to. Each time, there was fault in his character that hadn’t been eliminated, so in hindsight, I shouldn’t have been given him multiple chances anyway.

However, through the years, he clings on to the nostalgia. He always thinks of the good times (he deems it many; I deem it few) and each time (I deem it every three months cause the contact seems to happen in threes), he reaches out to me; it’s only a matter of time before he starts asking the ultimate question, “When are we going to get back together?”

No matter how many times I have told him no, he continues to keep hope alive. I know he feels like I am his true love; in his mind, he being my first justifies that we will always be connected. He doesn’t understand that although our being connected in that way is true; it’s a moment I constantly wish I could erase. I don’t feel this spark that he claims to have held on to.

Plus, our lives have taken totally different directions; our visions of our lives are totally different. Although he and I live in different states, because we both tend to know the same people, I always get some kind of update on how he’s doing, regardless of whether I ask for it or not.

Yes, there are things we have no business Resurrecting.

Like some friendships that have run their course.

For me (and I can only speak for me), although it would be nice for me to be able to name on numerous fingers and toes how many true friends I have, I’d be deeply embellishing.

For me, the quality of the friendships I have is more important to me than quantity. I would rather have 10 friends I know have me no matter what than 100 friends that I have to worry about stabbing me in the back and leaving when times are tough.

The tough times make you feel bad, and we wish we didn’t have them. Goodness knows I’ve had my share of rough patches! The tough times are also magnifying glasses, for they let you know who really is there for you, so when you come back up, stronger than you were before, you know whose bags to pack and who to let stay just a while longer.

I’ve packed up quite a few bags.

There are a few who have sent me packing.

In my earlier years, I used to be upset about it, wonder “why” and “what did I do”.

But over time, perhaps it wasn’t me. Perhaps we had just outgrown each other. The person probably saved me a lot of heartache and aggravation; maybe I would have found out something about him/her that would have forced me out, anyway.

I admit, there are a few people I do miss connecting with. A couple of unions I sit back and re-evaluate, wondering if things are different…

Then I ask myself if the person had been there for me, like he should. If the person respected me; if we respected what each brought to the table.

Did he give as much, not necessarily in a material way, but more so in a spiritual, mental, and emotional way?

When I interacted with him, did I feel fed or was my mind and spirit grumbling with malnourishment while he was full, up to the point of unbuttoning his pants and taking a nap?

Was that person my cheerleader at my low points, or did he go, “I told you so” after everything went wrong?

Was that person really trying to be supportive or was he going behind my back, trashing everything I did, saying, “Oh, she think she hot stuff because she got this, that, and the third”?

(it could be she in this case, too; just got kind of tired of doing the whole he/she in the writing)

Yes, I take my friendships seriously…who I let near my core. It takes a special type of love, consideration, and trust; some of my close friends are like my family.

So yes, if I let you near my core and you do something to shatter that stability, it definitely resonates with me. I don’t give of myself to just anybody.

Usually I conclude things should be where they are, unless the person has shown me, through words and actions that the experience will be different the second time.

So if I am hesitant, it is not the harboring of hate or dislike. I could still even care and love the person. But I have to love myself more. It’s protecting me from getting in a situation where my kindness is mistaken for weakness and my generosity is mistaken for gullible.

The ultimate message is this:

Resurrect the good things, the positive things that may have gotten lost in the ocean of bad things, negative things. Don’t resurrect anything or anyone who fails to serve purpose in your present and future. Embrace the lessons; use the bad as motivation, if need be, but don’t allow it to consume you.


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