Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Soul Cleanse 21: Females & Friendships

Soul Cleanse 21: Females and Friendships—The Evolution

I’m just going to free flow.

I got to thinking about a piece I wrote many years ago, called B*tches and Betrayal. It’s mainly about how I have experienced betrayal by females, but particularly those who were close to me.

The first times I got hit hard were by female relatives, particularly my mom and two of my cousins early on in life.

I was also impacted by females I let get close to me as friends in the early going, even up to my college years.

I admit, over the years, when it came to female friendships, I guarded myself. I didn’t really want a huge part of them.

Guys gravitated to me, and it wasn’t because I was giving out some cookie. Folks who know me can tell you I’m not that type of female. I wasn’t giving out any cookie until I turned 18…

I know that seems rare, but as liberal as my views can be, there are some aspects of me which are old fashioned. I wanted to give that gift to someone I felt loved me and wanted to build a life with me; unfortunately that guy wasn’t the one

…but what I’m trying to say is I wasn’t jumping on the first hard pole or hot body in front of me.

So my friendships with guys were platonic. I didn’t have to worry about talking about the latest fashion, pretending like I was ever interested in the latest gossip, getting caught up in catty dissertation about another female…none of that stuff. I could talk about electronics, wrestling, non-girly stuff, and not get a funny look because I was hanging out with my guy friends.

And yeah, I had my share of dealing with stank dudes, but nothing on the scale as it was with females. Those skank dudes, I could be like, “It is what it is” and still sleep like a baby.

The females, on the other hand, it wasn’t that simple.

I can’t even answer why my mom did (and continues to do) half the stuff she does to hurt the little relationship that is in existence.

It’s unclear why for the majority of our time in school, one of my female cousins kept wanting to get with the guys I was involved with. And she didn’t even like the guys, really; she just did it to prove a point—that if she could do it, she would do it. I was hurt mainly because it was my cousin doing this, not so much the guys being dumb enough to go after her. If one makes something easily accessible, there are guys that will just go for it. I wasn’t making certain aspects of me (if you know what I mean) accessible enough.

And it’s still strange that in the three actual fights I ever gotten into, two of them were with female cousins. One was with the one I just mentioned and the other…well, I don’t even quite know what triggered everything….

Wait, now that I’m really thinking about it. I do remember.

She kept kicking the back of the seat I was sitting in. When I requested a number of times that she stopped, she did it harder and started pulling my hair, so I lost my temper, turned around, and pummeled the crap out of her.

I’m not one who usually fights, but when I do, I black out, my adrenalin rushes, and I’m not aware of how much damage has occurred until the end or when someone tells me.

As you can see, female friendships, interactions, rocky indeed in the interim.

Fast forward….

But over time, I have found females that I have connected with. Some I have met, and others, although I haven’t met, I feel closeness to. Like our Souls are weary from fighting the same battles. We sip the same Chicken Soup so that our spirits will feel warm, full, and energized.

It has not always come easy.

I’m not saying that I haven’t had my ups and downs or allowed some of my personal hang-ups to come in the way at times…but I am saying that through it all, I can honestly say I feel a kinship.

I look out, at Society in general. I feel like that distrust of women is often seen as the norm rather than the exception. People get excited when there is a cat fight, whether it’s with words and fists. Most shows don’t get good ratings unless there’s at least one fight scene, particularly in “so called” reality TV.

Is it really so bad for a female to have a strong friendship with another female? I’m not talking about female friends with benefits, undercover lovers, or someone you share with your mate.

I’m talking about women who want to share emotional intimacy and love with each other.

Did this whole concept become foreign or dirty when I wasn’t looking?

Yes, I am a female. Last time, I checked, I had all the equipment. However, it doesn’t mean that I’m out to steal anyone’s man or woman. It doesn’t mean I’m trying to take away anyone’s progress, potential, or blessings.

In other words, if I’m saying something to a person, I don’t have an underlying motive in saying it. If I see someone who is walking the same path I did, what is so wrong in sharing…perhaps to prevent someone from making the same mistake or giving a little more direction in making a tough decision? I’m not trying to get in anyone’s Kool-Aid; I just try to give perspective.

It seems people no longer are adopting “taking a village to raise a child” scenario to provide assistance. Not even the “having a support system” to help be there for the other person.

Now, everything is so cutthroat and “all about me” that people sit back, see something wrong happen, and do nothing.

Or when they see their fellow sister suffering, they think, “That’s what she gets” rather than “What can I do to help or to provide comfort?”

I’ve come a long way. I’ve been willing to let my initial view of female interaction go. I realize not everyone desires the type of closeness I want. Some people deem friendship as how many people are on their Facebook, Tagged pages and so on. My measuring stick has never been by quantity.

Others may base friendship on how good someone looks, like, “I got some good looking people on my page.” But I’ve never judged by looks. To me, you’re ugly on the outside if you don’t have any type of depth on the inside.

Some base a friendship over what one can get from the other person. To me, that’s not really friendship as much as it is networking. But I’m not going to share with a networking buddy deep stuff I would share with a close friend.

These were the things/observations I had to take with me as I started rebuilding my interactions with females. Some of the things you can take; others you can leave. I’m just putting them out there:

1. If you see a female who is trying to be successful, instead of trying to bring her down, take notes. Maybe the things she has learned can help you. The Internet is a lot smaller than you think; networking wise, you never know who you will run into.

2. Know who you can talk to about stuff and who you can’t. You have your set of friends you can talk to about anything; then you have a set you can only talk to about certain stuff. You can’t get mad when you haven’t clearly marked the difference.

3. Don’t be the only one giving. It has to be equal. If you are the one constantly giving of time, advice, and what not, along the way you get resentful, especially if it doesn’t balance out in the end. Or worse. That very person you thought would have your back in that way not only doesn’t but is nowhere to be found.

4. See the person for who she really is. Sometimes, when we get an idea of what friendship should look like, we may make that person into what we think we want. When really, in hindsight, when the rose colored glasses were ripped away, she was never in alignment with your ideals in the first place.

5. Quit beefing over some guy who isn’t even worth it. While you and the other chic are throwing blows, more than likely, he’s in the cut enjoying the show or cringing because he got caught up. If anything, you both should tag team and check him.

6. If your fellow sister is down and out, don’t get happy with kicking the stiletto. You never know—one day that may be you.

And for those of you who have female enemies or female haters, I will just put this out there and let it marinate:

Karma’s hand is always on time; Its’ acceleration is not needed.


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