Friday, June 6, 2008

Soul Cleanse 17:Cleaning (Aftermath/Starting Over)

Greetings to all of you:

For those of you who have been keeping up with my blogs, you know that I just suffered an emotional loss. Hell, even if you haven't been keeping up with them, the blast says enough, so you know that something rotten occurred in Denmark.

So what all has been happening since the news?

1. Apartment hunting--At first I was mad pissed that she would even say anything in regards to me moving out, considering I can count on one hand how many times she has even tried to look at some of the bills coming in here.

But after putting everything in perspective and realizing that the burden is becoming too much, looking for a dwelling, being by myself, seems to be the best move. I feel as if I was maintaining this household under false pretenses, since she didn't say anything until the half page letter that there was to be no further future with us....otherwise, I could have been doing other things...

2. Other things, like starting my career ....each time I tried to, like actually got job offers to get my foot in the door tried to....things would happen, and 99 times out of 100 they were related to her, and because I had to be at her rescue so many times, it cast a shadow on my flexibility and dependability , so I have to go almost back to square one, and for now, have to remain at the store that she decided she no longer wanted but waited until we were short staffed that I couldn't really leave to be like "I can't take it." Strategy or suicide....perhaps a little bit of both.

3. Emotionally, I tried to render myself detached or numb. Work has proven to be a curse (because of the past behaviors that were distributed...her cutting/burning, etc) but also a blessing because I am so busy working, I don't have time to really think and stay marinating in the stench of how she did me because I find that when my brain gets too idle....I get somewhat weepy and then I get mad all over again...and just when I'm about to calm down, I get some type of text or an attempted call from her....then it cycles all over again . All I can say is....

4. Karma. You don't have to accelerate the universe's hand when you've been done wrong. The universe actually has perfect timing. I remember when I first got the news, I left her a letter in response to the initial reading...will just put an excerpt in here...

Thought you could have told me in person. Guess I didn't even deserve that much love, reverence or respect to get dissed and soon to be thrown out in the five plus years we had together. But guess I thought wrong about a lot of things. Hope this brings you some sort of happiness, peace, and contentment. Some sort of satisfaction. And that you feel that good will come back to you because of this. For me, this has taught me what happens when you go through the process of reforming and have someone still not want to be with you or even try any type of couples' counseling to work on it. For that, I thank you for feeling like we weren't even worth working on and for basically dissing me when I wanted answers from you. I thank you for leaving me to deal with the sorrow and adding more pain to what I've already been experiencing rather than sticking around so I can see if I really meant anything to you at all. I thank you for making me believe we were in this for the long haul when in the end, you had known for a very long time that you didn't care either way. Thank you so much for making a fool of me and teaching me how stupid I really was. And thank you for reminding me why I will never invest in love again. Because I'll always lose.....

I don't think she will ever truly get it until karma comes back around. I've been to the dance before, and it's a lot easier to walk away than to be the one that's walked out on.

All I know is that as a partner and friend, I gave until I was depleted, drank some more adrenalin, and then gave even more. I know that despite all of these flaws she said were super major and couldn't be worked out that I was good to her and that even when she treated me so dirty, she still got some type of reverence from many situations when she deserved none.

Not making her a horrible human being, but one who tends to do very messed up things and yet, hasn't matured enough to take full accountability and responsibility for the emotional carnage that's left behind.

I think that is what gets to me...the fact that she really has yet to get it. How bitter I am over the sacrifices...wouldn't be if there was light at the end of that tunnerl instead of my broken heart, broken spirit.....tarnished soul.

I wish I could take my torment, plant it inside her and see how long she actually lasts before going off the deep end with the realization of how much of my livelihood is gone. How my hope and faith has been tested, retested. How my mental, physical, and emotional well being continued to be punished, not given the chance to even get put well because I kept putting her first, over and over again. She was first.

In some ways, I wish I did have the option of just walking away . Just not having any responsibility, but I was never brought up that way. I always gave a damn.

I know that I am supposed to be thankful that I had the capacity to love someone like that...but at this stage of the game, I'm not ready to be thankful.

I'm still that chic..."that mad black woman." I'm not there...I've come a long way in these soon to be three weeks....but I'm not ready.

Not ready to even have her close to me in any way.

Don't get me wrong. I see her self destructing and I still care, but I'm still thinking, "This is the trick that gave you your walking papers, constantly lied about showing up work...." Could go on and on...but you guys get the picture....the Devil's advocate in me is like "why does she deserve any sort of kindness or nurturing from you....when you two were together, she didn't seem to want it...why give it to her now....she didn't give that kindness to you when she wrote that shit and ran...."

5. But through it all, I'm still blessed. Blessed for those who hit me up on e-mail, im, sending out notes (thanks Tei, Mahogany, Madame, "R", Good Karma, C, etc. ), offering your sympathies for what took place. Blessed for having a strong management team (Mighty Mouse, Cool Cat, The Undertaker) on the job that senses what I'm going through and hanging in there. Blessed for having someone to wipe my tears ( thanks A.D.)and to keep me from doing stupid shit. (shout out to Dolores, Dr. Sinha, and Mrs. Eve ) . Blessed for having folks call to listen to me, give words of encouragement (4 EVERBORNN you are 4ever loved ).

6. Tragedy also teaches you who is there for you but also shows you who is truly not. And I know a few folks who I am disappointed in. You know those folks that should have been the "first ones to be there when the shit went down." Those are the folks I speak of.

But I am glad I know this now. I have no room to take garbage with me as I plan to revive and rebuild.

So there will be some changes...some of you will disappear.

If you ever get back in alignment with what I feel like a true friend should be and you send the invite, I will strongly consider having you come back to the fold again.

But if we have done the dance too many times, I must tell you my dancing feet have become sore...I no longer feel the rhythm of the beat you're trying to play for all I'm going to do is give you your applause, ask you to take a bow, and just get gone....

Let the cleaning continue.


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