Monday, May 19, 2008
Soul Cleanse 16: The Return of Fort Knox
All I can think of is the amount of time.
The sacrifice. All the sacrifices.
Giving up the old for the unfamiliar. Dealing with circumstances and situations that I've never had to deal with before. Being away from my family. The countless hours cause of her countless crises .
You think that things would be handled face to face.
Knew there was something foul about the behavior. The staying away. The not saying anything, not telling me anything.
Five years and all I get is a half a page letter on a computer screen.
Saying all the stuff that is supposed to be said. Or proper to say when you are really telling someone to "kiss your ass and I don't care how much or how long you've been there for me, you ain't shit and I want nothing more to do with you."
The whole, "I love you," and "this is hard to write."
Well, if it was that hard to write, she should have just waited until I got home and said that cruel shit to my face. Yep, it would still hurt but would have had more respect for the act than now.
I'm trying to get over the fact that it couldn't have been said....when I constantly asked if she didn't want to have shit to do with me, the countless lies of "no," and "it has nothing to do with you."
My intuition has never steered me wrong but the fact that she still lied after being asked.
This whole thing makes me feel a bit stupid ---trying to defend her madness when everyone else said she didn't give a shit about me and to just let her sink or swim on her own...to just have not even visited her in the psych ward...to not sacrifice so much of your life for her...for someone who didn't seem to appreciate it or value it.
But underneath it all, I still thought that she was better than this . That she would give it to me much better than this. Not in some half a page letter, like this is some business negotiation that is coming to an end.
I expected more.
Maybe it would have given me comfort if I would have seen if she felt any guilt...any sorrow, any pain.
But she didn't even give me the option. Just typed the frigging thing and left, giving me time to myself.
To do what....
This is so frigging funny. Tragically funny. Wanting to take a serated knife, dip it in acid, and rip something apart type funny.
Hell, even true friends fuck you over to your face, not claim to love you and then screw you with some half assed note.
But I should eventually get over this.
Yes, I guess I should.
And I remembered that before, I had Fort Knox around my heart for a reason. So I wouldn't have to keep going through this bullshit...haven't people that claim to love me and want to be with me expose themselves as liars, frauds, who have no concept what it really means to love and do for someone.
But today, I will put it back up, and I'm not tearing it down again.
Good luck to anyone who tries to get in now. They gone have to pass a lie detector test to even get to step one-half.
Fuck it, I'm done.
I'll be in touch.