Thursday, May 15, 2008

Life Shifts (1-3)


I know it has been a while, and I have missed being here a lot. Writing has always been first and foremost my catharsis and it hurts when I'm not able to do in nearly as often as I want to. Although I have been told to write down something every day, by the time the day ends, all I want to do is close my eyes and try and get some get energy to get through the next day.

I'm not sure how long this will be. I may divide it into parts because I know after a while, you have to rest your eyes because you get tired of reading after a bit.

But either way it goes, it already feels cleansing to be writing something down.

Yes, a lot of shifts.

Life Shift #1:

I know that a few of you noticed on a previous blast of mine's that I said something in reference to running a store.

Well, that is true.

I won't go into the details. Most of you who have talked to be on a somewhat consistent basis know how it all came about. I'm not going to rehash it, but the end result is that I've been given the title of general manager---I say finally given the title because as most of you know, for the past six months or so, I've basically been running the shop.

It's been tough. This time of year--the lull between Super Bowl and Memorial Day is the toughest time to hold on to staff because for the company, this is the slowest period.

At one point, we were only down to five drivers, so when I'm not managing in the store, I'm driving, and vice versa. Sometimes, I've had to alternate between the two.

The main thing that sucks about being a GM is that you're salaried---meaning that even if you work over the 45-50 hours you are required to put don't get paid the OT for the extra 30 you put in if you are short staffed.

I miss my wonderful OT but I keep reminding myself that the bonus checks I will now be getting will make up for it.

Slowly, but surely we are getting more staffing. So now, I'm going from working 9 shifts to about 7 shifts which is still a lot...but gives me some comfort for now.

I have to just take it day by day.

Life Shift #2:

Status of relationship-- Separation still on-going; on-going worry about M

Overall, we both know that the separation is best. But it has been tough. It's hard to break old habits...things you used to do as a couple.

I know this may sound silly, like fighting the urge to clean (what is now her room). Formerly, the office area but will move the computer somewhere else, so I won't be invading her space or anything. Or assuming the person is available to go out when that person has plans.

She really hasn't been herself lately. Times when she doesn't even come back to the house. Rarely no word of where she's at or what she's been doing. Just gone and then kind of shows up...kind of blends back in.

I know most of you are thinking, "Are you going into girlfriend mode where you think she's messing around with so and so..."

No, I'm worried about her well being, her state of mind...these behaviors that are highly unlike her and that she isn't fully telling me about everything...just that things are rough and although some of her friends are in crises, just like she is, she feels safer if she's around them than left to her own devices.

But I wish she'd let me in a little more. I mean, we do have over 5 years of history together. The types of depression we do have can have similar symptoms.

All she tells me is that it's not me and not to worry.

Well, the latter part...little too late for that. All I can do is pray and hope that she still has it in her to fight these demons that tell her that death is better than life.

I've accepted that I can't save her. I just want her to find the strength to save herself.

Life Shift #3:

Putting all that aside, if one were to ask me how I'm doing:

I've got on my cape, coated with adrenalin, taking on the world....
Can I tell ya'll a secret?
I'm exhausted. Emotionally spent. I feel like I need to go outside myself, take my heart, spirit, and soul.....take it on a vacation. Have it return and reinsert itself into my body.

Yes, that's how bad it is.

But I can't openly have a breakdown. M's already doing it; one of my shift manager's made a suicide attempt after he got off work about a week I'm having to be strong for everyone else.

But it's getting harder and harder to remain strong for me.

I have deluded myself into thinking/ let me take that back...I've become so used to dealing with the magnitude of sorrow and struggle on my own.

I have to realize that I don't have to do that. I do have people rooting for me and hoping that I pull through. I hear your prayers and I thank you.

I'll be in touch. Peace.

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