Thursday, December 30, 2010
Lessons Learned 2010
1. Cherish each day you have on this earth. You never know when it will be taken away from you.
This year alone, I have had three brushes with death. One happened in January when the number of hours I was putting in at my former job, stress, and lack of sleep finally took its toll on my body. The end result was my collasping during my shift due to dehydration, exhausting and the loss of blood due to a blood clot I had in my lungs. The other two happened in February...the roads were bad due to snow storms but where I worked required me to come in. I spun out one night on my way back to the apartment and two days later, while on my job, I spun out, crashed into a concrete embankment and almost tumbled over into the man made lake below which was completely surrounded by concrete. Another inch and I would have died on impact. And all I suffered were bruised ribs and an irritating bout of whiplash (God is good).
Speaking of job this leads me to the second lesson:
2. There are things in life more important than money. Don't let the money rule you.
It no longer matters how long you have been on a job or career. You can be let go at any time, any moment, for no reason and the ones responsible, more often than not, walk off without a care in the world.
I almost died for my former company...literally and they gave me my walking papers two weeks after my near death experience in February. It was a huge slap in the face. Before the company ran like a close knit family but then new people took over and the ones who were not in alignment (even if the acts were morally wrong) got eliminated.
So I am rebuilding, starting over, having to take what I can get, for now because of how crappy the economy is and what unemployment will do if they see you refusing jobs (aka cut you off and keep it moving).
But unlike my other jobs, I am learning to say no if I don't really want to come in and taking time off without feeling as if I have to justify it every single time. I am making "I want to" and "Because I can" good enough and that is a challenge since I am known to be a die hard workaholic.
3. Not all friendships are meant for a lifetime. Some were for a reason, others for a season. The key is to decipher them and know when to let go.
I had to let some people go that I initially let close to me. And not every instance was one that involved anger, hurt or betrayal (although a few definitely did). I just had to decide when the dust cleared, did we still have anything in common? Have I felt less drama or more drama during the times when we interact versus when we do not? Did the words and actions meet up and if they didn't were the reasons legitimate? Once I found the answers to the questions, then I could no longer avoid making definite decisions on how to proceed.
4. You can't maintain friendships with all of your ex's. In some cases, too much bullshit has happened.
I am not saying that I'm walking around holding grudges. But there are times, particularly when the ex has done something to seriously betray your trust, when it is wiser to let things go. With two of my ex's, I really tried to separate the actions of "so and so, the lover" versus "so and so, the friend".
To those who can do it successfully (particularly when the other person was abusive, passive, cheated, etc.), my hat goes off to you.
I found out that I could not because if this person betrayed me when the relationship elevated to the deepest level, then how could I trust in the person to really be a good friend--unless the person truly showed signs of changed...of really being a good person, just better not being involved with me...
In both of those cases, I found I was being unrealistic and that it was just best to cut my losses.
5. Never deal with anyone who isn't being free or who lies about being free.
Even if the person says, "I'm with so and so, but we no longer sleep together."
Or "the only reason we haven't split up is because of finances".
Or "one is waiting for the other one to sign stuff, pay for stuff."
Or the all time winner, "I may be physically with her but I'm emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and soulfully with you."
If you are in any way, shape, or form number two, then you are not the exception...you're still the rule.
6. Do not focus on finding the perfect person, just the perfect person for you.
We are all human and have flaws. You have to decide what you can deal with and what you cannot. Not everything has to be a dealbreaker, but you already have to have the blueprint in place so the other person will know. The worse thing in the world is to think you are with a non-smoker monogamous romantic when down the road, you discover that the person smokes like a chimney, wouldn't know romance if he got bit on the ass, and can't keep it in his pants.
If a person walks away from the jump...or gets defensive when you share your blueprint, don't chase and try to make that person conform. Let the person go.
If a person isn't interested in the blueprint, let it go.
If you don't fit into the other person's blueprint, don't make yourself something you're not. Down the line, you will end up resenting the other person, yourself, or both.
If you cannot be your own person independently of the relationship you are in, then it isn't a healthy relationship. Vice versa for the person you are with if he can't be who he is independently of you.
I had to learn this through all the relationships--good and bad, short and long. And in some of them, I didn't recognize me in the end. I am on the journey to get back to this person...fine tune the blueprint...plug in the fixed versus the variable without it transforming the final product.
In other words, any conforming I do from here on out is because I truly want to.
So if you don't like my hairstyle, too bad. You are not wearing it nor paying for the maintenance of it.
If you don't like how I look, then why did you even step to me? You already had an image of what you wanted, so if I didn't fit it, why exert the effort? The only person you can really be mad at is...okay, let me hold a mirror in front of you. Now look at it....okay, get the picture?
I am not really one for making New Year's Resolutions but I will make this one--to continue to use the Lessons I've learned this year to avoid repeating them in the next and continue to treasure my life, deal with whatever comes my way, and be thankful to the hatas (cause your envy just gives me energy), my betrayers (for teaching me what to look out for and how to pick up on your scandalous energy), and for those who have always had my back (good/bad).
Have a Happy New Year!