Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Unshackled

Times like these I think about what I honestly prefer...familiar pain or unfamiliar freedom. Everyone says that it gets better, it gets easier...the time after a break up. Does it ever get confusing for anyone? Does it ever get tiresome to put on the face and pretend that it is okay each and every day? Does it ever get to a point where you are feeling awesome one day and like a hurricane just ravaged your soul the next? You always hear about the survival stories..the ones who have come through the darkness...but what about the ones who still, from time to time, fight it tooth and nail?

I know that these series of questions I put into the universe are more like questions that I ask myself. I keep telling myself that it's been over a year now (year and a day to be exact) and the progress you have made should be greater than this. You should never even think about her in any way that is minimally pleasant.

But there are certain things. Like the Chinese place not even five minutes down from where I work. That was one of our spots. Or certain words or phrases. Certain songs. The good thing is that I no longer cry but my chest still gets heavy.

Someone told me the best way to get over a person is to get with another person or better yet, try dating several different people.

I'm not so sure that it's a wise thing.

Because there is this other female and we started off as friends. It wasn't supposed to go into that other realm. Everything said hands off....from the fact that she wasn't into the life like that to the part that she was married..separated but married.

And married to me always was like, "hands off."

She had me so open, though. I was trying to be all hard. Trying not to feel too much, trying so hard not to go there and then when I finally decided to go there, she started acting all undecided and unsure...asking me to be patient...I went through the very song and dance that I feared would happen. And I still love and care about her a whole bunch, but I know there can never be a her and me.

Too much indecision. Too much of her not trusting me. I can't give her the time that she needs. I am not enough for her to even be with....she is still self-sabotaging herself by giving the time of days to others who mean her no good. It just hurts too much.

But I'm still her friend, despite it all...even though everyone else says stay away...to just leave it be...but what kind of friend would I be, that although the romantic aspect failed to throw away the friendship aspect, too?

Despite the pain, I haven't become that cutthroat yet.

I wish I was shackled again...I don't feel free...I feel confused, whisked away in the waves of loneliness and being lonely...wanting and yearning for something that I'm not sure I am ever going to get. This dating thing...I feel like a stranger in my own skin; I don't know how to act, what to take seriously or what to do.

And I'm angry at the unfamiliarity.

Until I get back to a familiar place...

Peace.

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