Thursday, March 27, 2008
Soul Cleanse 14: Her Declaration
Her rose colored glasses were full of scratches
so she had to take them off
and what she saw
made her cry…
made her wonder
which is the greatest crime
to continue living a convenient lie
or finally decide to live
an inconvenient truth?
Today she decides.
She lied to herself for too long. She pretended that she was okay with the compromise, which she now realized was a sacrifice of self.
She's not placing blame.
She's just doing what she has always done--putting others before herself. She thought that compromise was a part of the whole building a relationship, building a future…that if there came a choice between her and the other person, she would always be the bigger person and step back…
At first, she thought she could deal with the cost of it all.
Not going out to certain places because it caused too much discomfort--caused too much awareness of one's other identity, other life. Not looking a certain way because it made another person feel that he/she had to emulate or imitate. Going along with certain things when she was not quite ready to go out of her comfort zone.
But what does one say to the other person without the defense mechanism going up? Without the rant, "I never told you that you had to do these things…"
Well, maybe not, but it was implied--through unconscious suggestion, and I understood, and it was convenient not to rock the boat.
What does one say without seeming like she's placing blame? Placing blame is too easy, and besides, it accomplishes nothing. For all the blame one puts out in the universe, one has to take responsibility for the role she plays in allowing the things to happen.
If she were a meaner person, the predicament never would have happened. She knows things never would have gone on this long if her good traits weren't amplified to the points of being liabilities, and if the other person seemed more than willing to go along with the scenario.
In the end, both became afraid, feeling like they needed permission to live their own lives, neither one of them knowing in the beginning whether the person each saw was really the true person.
The time between September of last year and the present has served a tumultuous but important purpose.
She has been placed and is still in a state of emotional tryst. It was tough but she saw sparks of how the other person truly was. It was tough knowing that this development did not include her.
But it took a while for her to realize that was the whole point. To know who she was without the whole relationship dynamic and trying to decide if she still liked that person.
More often than not now, she looks in the mirror and does not like the person who is staring back at her--physically tired, emotionally ripped to shreds.
Each encounter of mood swings, rage, selfishness, then apologizing, then happening again, from the other person rips her apart. Seeing the other person is this state and really not being able to do anything about it shatters her inside.
And yet, strangely enough, for a while, she told herself that she was deserving of this turmoil---that the fact that the other person was like this is all her fault. Even having this strange, twisted idea that it's just karma…all the payback for the difficulty at the beginning of the relationship.
It's sad that she rarely takes the apologies seriously, for she knows the things will happen again, and they usually do. Sometimes, the culprits are the panic attacks, mood swings, but other times, they are a glimpse of the negative undercurrents of how human nature can be.
The line got blurred a long time ago. She goes on with life but inside her emotions are inside a crock pot…simmering away.
It's time. It's time for her to shake loose this skin. It's old, crappy, too full of pain, too full of scars. She doesn't want to live like this anymore…afraid to feel, afraid to love, afraid to touch anyone…not even herself.
She has to keep telling herself, "It doesn't make me a bad human being."
The past few therapy sessions have been very emotional for her. Being displaced in the house. Angry at how the start of her career got put on hold. Angry at the place that was starting to feel like home is causing her more stress than not. Angry at her boundaries not only being crossed but wiped out by others and expecting to smile and say, "It's okay."
When, in reality, it's never been okay.
It sucks, to have so much love and to want things to work out, and yet, know that it's not going to…at least not right now.
And it's not giving up; it's more like acceptance. Accepting that the type of bond in place is not what is needed, nor is what is required.
And she doesn't want to put off the inevitable anymore. She's just weary of all this---being stifled, being suffocated.
The old her who used to love life and wanted to fight to live because she loved it so died.
And she wants to reach in the ground and take her hand, to pull her out, and let her live again.
But things have to be different, and she can't thrive in the stench of sorrow and stress.
And she's decided if others will not leave from this place, then she will. Even if it means she'll only be taking her clothes and little else, this torture, this on going sadness, frustration, and pain must end.
And unlike the rock bottom of almost six years ago, this will not end with an attempt at stopping physical life but the declaration of her own self and the right to live her life.