Friday, February 29, 2008

Soul Cleanse 13: Reaching & The Reclaiming


Been a very long time since I've done a Soul Cleanse--think it is long overdue. And it's not just about stuff that I have to get off my chest....but also stuff I have to throw up.

And didn't really mean to pun on the time I was in the ER...didn't think about that until after I wrote that line.

For those of you who have known me for a while, you know I tend to isolate. I do it for a lot of reasons...but the one thing I want to point out before I go on is this:

99 times out of 100, the reason I isolate has nothing to do with me being pissed off at anyone.

Sure you may be pissed at me because there are moments when I'm vibrant (aka things are going pretty damned good, in the right direction) and next thing you know crises (gf goes impatient, stopped my medication to pay for hers, gf starting to get more urges of cutting or being suicidal once she started back to work, flip flopping between moving and not moving, tired of taking care of every ghot damn thing, feeling like I'll never be able to live the life I want getting sick...shyt like that) and suddenly, I'm like, "What the fuck...let me lay low to try and get myself together..."

So being pissed, confused, yelling, fussing, screaming...wanting to hear my voice or lack of voice so one can duke it out, I understand, but you may not like my reaction....

Cause when I'm in this mode, I can come across like I don't care, like I'm selfish, and I don't really mean to...I don't...folks that truly know me can tell when it's the undercurrents of the isolation talking and when it's me.

And the reason I give myself this space is so when I do re-emerge, I can give all the attention I can, have the energy to be caring, considerate, generous, wanting to help.

Cause it does take a lot of energy...more so when you yourself are in pain. And all the isolation is a symbol of is when one takes over the other.

I'm not even trying to say that what I do is right. It's pretty messed up on my end, and believe me, I have gotten way better than I have in the past with my "disappearing acts".

I'm not even going to say that it will go away all together because old habits die hard. All I can do is give my word that it will be less and when it does happen, it will not be as long.

And pray that will be enough.

I really hope that M will go ahead and move out. It is hard for her to live in a house that has such bad memories for her. Plus, I think it's the only true way she will get past everything. PH has done the best they can do for her in terms of getting her prepared, but there are life changes that have to take place to keep her on the right track, like her job, like getting out the house, etc. Just learning to be her own person and do her own thing.

I don't want her to be influenced by the reactions of others, although it's pretty crappy how the roommate found out about her moving out..and at first, I took it a bit hard.

But after thinking about it, I realized that once she and I got together, certain parts of us went to the sidelines or just faded, and we were trying so hard to be what the other person wanted...or being scared to rock the boat.

I don't even know if the paths we are both going on will lead us back together relationship wise. I believe she and I will be better people. I already see trepidation as well as joy at the prospect of having her own freedom to do what she wishes...once she gets past the initial stuff, I know she'll be fine...she's one of those that performs great under pressure.

And what about me?

I'm not going to front. I would like to have a bit of freedom to be me.

I'm not saying it's anyone fault. I chose to do the compromising. I just went a bit extreme with the whole thing.

And I've been missing me for a very long time.

So I'm going to work hard to reclaim me...which will be hard because I've spent most of my teens and twenties in and out of relationship....craziness

So, M's not the only one headed for the bumpy ride...but all I can say that the discovery will also be interesting.

Peace....everyone have a wonderful weekend.

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