Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Wishing For Numbness

today I screamed
not quite at the top of my lungs
but almost

I wish
that this was just
a reoccurring nightmare
because when I wake up
it would go away


it's the motions
of the current state
of life

gosh, I'm so constipated
yet tired of feeling so….

there are so many things happening. guess I'll start anywhere because no matter where I start, I have no idea where it will end up.

I realize that I've felt dirty. Part because I rarely have time to clean not even myself…other times, because I haven't felt like it.

as I laid next to her last night, I noticed that she kept her sleeves on. She rarely does that unless she's cut. I know that in my reading, I shouldn't react or try to keep my emotional displays to a reasonable minimum.

I try to imagine the type of pain/turmoil that makes one do that and by only that act could she feel like she could express herself. I try to imagine it's the same thing as crying a lot of tears or punching a wall or a pillow to get release…or using alcohol to numb the pain.

My imagination fails to reach such heights or plunge to such depths.

Work, at times, helps. Helps me to keep busy so I don't have to think…have to process…have to deal with what this is doing…how the things she's going through is affecting me.

And all these unrealistic thoughts that I've tried to hold on to…this mix of bitterness and relief that I have to let go of them.

Having to accept that no matter how many blades I hide, if she is determined enough, it's going to happen, whether I want it to or not. That I can't save her…and although my efforts have been valid ones, she has to do it on her own--I have to accept that it may never stop…that there will be relapses--sometimes one, sometimes many.

I've been ripped into so many pieces. Not just the past 6 months but almost the entirety of 2007 has been sheer hell. And I sit and wonder, "Does it make me less of a woman now that I've accepted the impact?"

At times, I feel it does.

But I digress….

M and I talked and she expressed the desire to be out on her own for a year….thinks it is best for her to know what it is like to be an adult. I think it's the right decision for her….whether it means the definite end of a 5 and a half year relationship…who knows.

Although I know that is the right thing, it makes me feel like I'm shit for a girlfriend, you know. Even when trying to be strong, amazing, patient…and for what….just so in the end, it's almost a losing battle anyway. Even though it's probably no one's fault…that the destination ultimately would be this one anyway, I just have that feeling I should have done something more.

Times like this I wish for numbness…or to hide in a dark hole and just not come out.

I'm shaking too much. I can't write anymore…at least not today.

I'll catch you guys later.


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