Sunday, February 3, 2008

Riding the Waves...called Life

Hi, everyone!

How's it going? Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend...catching some sunshine while you can. I hear that after today, my neck of the woods is getting two more days of rain.

I went to see my therapist the other day. She told me that I had to set a deadline for when I wanted to throw myself full force into subbing. Because although it's great that I'm trying to stick around while M is sick, she knows it's an emotional burden on me to keep putting my passion on hold. And she says that it's not good for my own health, physical and mental as well.

I did have an offer that I had to turn down because of my current situation. They understood, and I'm pretty sure opportunity will come again, but at the same time, if I turn down too many offers, they may think I am not serious in pursuing my goal, which is so NOT the case.

So I'm thinking of when my deadline will be and while I am trying to set it, I will resume doing some more stuff that I have to do...getting more transcripts together, etc. etc. So that when it's time for me to fully go, even more of my ducks will be in a row.

But one of the major drawbacks, besides M's illness, is to try and fight the whole abandoning a ship while it's sinking mentality...but if I am able to get the other people trained thoroughly enough, then I won't have to feel guilty....I can go on my way with a free conscience.

May drive a little bit here and there because it is nice to be able to go home with money in your pocket in addition to base pay.....

I know many of you are thinking that things should be fine once M fully goes back to work. But there's also the reality that I have to accept that even if M starts back, she will have relapses...not as much with the mania as much as it does with the self harming aspect. And for those of you who don't really understand, think of it as a type of addiction or a force of habit...something you are used to doing and having to learn to do something new--it is hard and it is difficult.

And also having to face the possibility this chapter is over....and to be honest with others and herself and move on to other things. I told her that I would support her in whatever she decides to do, but she has to do it for her...and she has to do what is best for her overall health. But I know she doesn't want to let down anyone, most of all our boss. But I think that even though he sees that she has the makings of a great DM, I know that he cares about her as a person and wants what is best for her, even if that means walking away.

I feel sad I won't make it home this month. I usually try to be around for my grandpa's birthday (he's turning 89 this year) on the 12th. But I'm holding on to hope and building up savings again ...that I'll be able to come down for the spring.

This is one of my.....I really don't want to go to work today...days. Working nights reminds me of how much of a morning person I am. I can handle doubles because I'm charged up for the day...have a bit of a lull...and then go back into full swing around 6ish.

But when I have to come in early afternoon, that is when my energy tends to slum off...but oh, well, what can you do? If anything, this job constantly reminds me that I have to be flexible and that your limits can be tested.

All righty. I'm about to head out. Everyone enjoy your Sunday, and to those Giants fans out there, I wish them luck.....and skill....(and yeah, I have a soft spot for the underdog).


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