Wednesday, January 30, 2008
At times, I sit back and wonder why they resurface, why they kept returning like an everyday occurrence.....
I found myself thinking about someone I used to be really close to. She and I were really tight most of my college years (no offense, DeVry, but Braves you are my first love ). And then, we grew apart....no, not quite right, more like ripped apart. Broken promises, sorry excuses, and it made me feel like that our "friendship" meant nothing.
When I moved, I wanted to start over. I didn't want remnants of the past looming and lurking about. I wanted to drown all the heartache, bury all the sorrow. I didn't want to think of the people who let me down, the hardships I faced. To those who helped me and stayed in touch, I was grateful. I left the gate open for them to re-establish contact.
But for others, I closed the gate. Even went so far to put a big link chain with a lock on it.
It is strange no matter how much you try to keep certain things at bay, they find a way to discover you when you least exepcted, like she did. Leaving messages like we are just trying to catch up on old times, wondering if she remembered how hurt I felt those years ago and why there is this distance.
Wondering how many times she expected me to forgive and come back to the fold. And yes, I forgave but that last time, I didn't come back.
I had a long talk with my grandma and the situation with her came up. She told me that in the end it was up to me, but to ask myself this question, "Did your life suffer without her in it?" And also to put these queries out to the universe, "Who benefited more from the friendship, her or me? What was her purpose and was her purpose filled?"
I know that she wants to pride herself into being one of the few people that still had something to do with me after the ex-fiance' tried to ruin me and chased off some of the friends I had before him. I know she thinks that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and that no one would really want to know me if it weren't for her.
And back in those days, my self-esteem was so low that a part of me started to believe her. I let her be boisterous and I went into my cocoon of quiet reflection. Even if it wasn't quality companionship, even if there was more give and take....(I doing the giving)...even if I knew that the friendship was unhealthy, a part of me was like, "At least it was something. At least she is not seeing you the way that he painted you out."
But now, although there are days when I have more self-esteem than others, I now know that I am of some worth to the world...that my worth isn't measured by anyone else. No one should be able to take my worth if he/she decides to go on another path or do something to make us part ways.
After listening to her numerous voice messages, I'm still wondering if I should pick up the phone, even if it just to say, "I'd rather leave this chapter closed." I don't know what to really say or where to begin....the few things we did have in common have since evaporated.
But whatever the case, I do wish her well and continued success. I just don't want to hold up the torch that anything can be revived.
But I will put this out in the universe...and see how you guys respond.