Thursday, August 30, 2007
Soul Cleanse 9: Purpose
It feels like ages since I've been here....
And it isn't because I haven't wanted to. I've been getting pulled in different directions.
For the last two weeks, I worked almost 130 hours.
So I didn't really get a day off; I kept getting called in. A few folks close to me were hitting rock bottom at around the same time; I was torn, wanted to be two people, hard for me to be there for both of them at the same time.
But it makes me think when someone is majorly depressed, when someone is ill, how much of the behavior or changes in it is mainly related to the sickness?
I know that I have a very giving, caring, and loving spirit, but when I'm majorly depressed, a dark, ferocious, borderline apathetic spirit comes out that no one even recognizes. But I'm not like that all the time.
And I'm glad that one of my friends is continuing the help that has been given.
And that the other person close to me realizes that getting the help is no longer negotiable. For other folks to actually really see and to know was the major wake up call.
And acknowledging is the first step. And calling was the second. Now just awaiting the appointment.
All of this has me thinking what my purpose is as it pertains to the relationships around me. Is it universally the same, or is purpose individualized...
For a long time, I thought I served the same purpose to everyone. But I know now that all people do not want/need/desire the same things in this life..from people.
I know that for some people, the meaning of friendship is someone to hang out with every once in a while. For others, it's just a number on their 360.myspace.facebook.
And for some, they use that word as a launching pad for deeper things that they don't reveal until it starts getting too complex...too confusing.
So these things have to be looked at objectively.
And sometimes, when looking for purpose, you do things that you think will lead you closer to finding it, but leads you further away...it was camouflaged for something else.
And I'm not saying that this excavation was one that I regretted; actually, it is one that I'm thankful for. If time, place, and circumstances were different, the excavation would be worth exploring further.
But I cannot....in that instance, my purpose is elsewhere.
I have to do what I can to maintain some sort of alignment; to keep myself strong for the upcoming storms; to make myself available in some capacity to those that need me most; to put a long pole between those that I know are fair weather and aren't in my best interest.
P.S. The correlation between the Interlude and what I must reveal isn't this piece. But this took center stage because there are some instances that require my immediate attention and supersede what follows the interlude.
P.S. (2): Follow up to birthday plans will come early next week, I predict.
P.S. (3): For those of you who keep calling me, have been receiving the calls and the messages, but 99 times out of 100...actually more like 100 times out of 100, I have been at work...my next day off will not be until the middle of next week, so I'll try to return everyone's calls...at least, if I can't do that, I'll send a message---I'm not ignoring any of you.
All right, let me go...have to do closing shift tonight.