Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Soul Cleanse 8: The L Word (part 2)

Had therapy today....the sessions where I have to talk about my family are always the toughest, second to the ex-fiance and things pertaining to M.

I'm not sure what to make of my mom--not sure whether all of the "God" and "Angels" talk are signs that she is really trying to change and be another person or one of her temporary fixes to get the family to really believe in her again only to revert back to negative behavior.

I usually feel a bit raw afterwards...just wanting to be by myself.

But slightly annoyed because M not only asked to switch with me but also because on Sunday, she has me working with this person that she knows I don't get along with...but she was like, "You wouldn't have to if you would trade with me..."

Most of the time, after my therapy session, the last thing I need is to really be working which is why I prefer just to have off.

Because I trade with her quite a bit, and although she asks me in the form of a question, it's really more of a statement...and I know it's more of a statement. Because if it was just a general question or query, there would be no anger if a "no" is said.

I'd rather she would be like, "I would like for you to do this because...." and just state the reason and let me have a fair shot in deciding. Then she can have permission to be mad if I refuse, but if you just ask me (knowing there's a hidden agenda), then that makes me angrier and makes me not want to always pinch hit.

But moving on cause this is not what I want to address....

I want to address the other L word: love.

I think as I've gotten older, my perception of love has changed...less romanticized. It doesn't mean that I'm not a romantic person, just means that I feel like it's becoming extinct. More people I know than not have become disenchanted in their relationships or think about whether the single life is less stressful.

But then you get to thinking about something: at least the one you're with, you pretty much know everything...and do you really feel like going through the whole process again...the whole getting to know you phase, etc., etc.

So I focus on building love in other from friends, building my support system, since I can't seem to quite get it together with the romantic love bit.

I just feel like a failure at know, having all the good intentions...all the ingredients but just not mixing together properly.

Cause I know it can't just be solely because of the choices I've made; there has to be something I'm doing...some unresolved issues in the universe that keep resurfacing.

I'm still in limbo with it....but also still in limbo with love for my own self. It has been quite a challenge for me. When I was still trying to decide about my sexuality, interactions with men and women were frustrating....

Either I was too cool/laid back for guys to see me as a potential girlfriend material.

or I wasn't pretty/modelesque enough to be considered a dime

or I was not femme enough/too femme/too aggressive/too opinionated/too educated/too "white acting"/too "weird acting" /too "nonconformist"

just a number of things that make me feel like, "Fuck it" half the time

I ask myself, "What do I have to bring to the table?" Cause you have to bring something. None of this "just love" are expected to bring something more, whether it's education, money, materials...

I then ask myself, "How much of me can I really be with the other person?" Cause I don't care what others say, there is always a level of sacrifice/compromise.

Sometimes it can be as small as not leaving the TV on at night because the other person can't sleep...or trying to enjoy climbing mountains even though the rocks make your legs bleed...or trying to control a habit that your partner doesn't like...whatever the case, I've come to learn that at times, a part of you gets lost and you have to either (1) let it go (2) find a way to incorporate it in a way that is complimentary to the relationship or (3) keep doing what you're doing in hopes that the other person will bend....

You're never truly left unaffected.

And as I'm becoming more of my own person, there are people in my life that I'm discovering I have less and less in common with.

Part of me feels liberated cause I have gotten to the point where I'm telling myself it's okay, but another part feels like I'm loved less...that I'm not seen in the same way...that things that were already on shaky ground have experienced a tremor and are further deteriorating....

Which brings me to the Soul Cleanse:

Soul Cleanse: Love does involve some level of compromise--a level that you must decide you are comfortable with.

But I think my soul will benefit the most by working on me...not saying that all the other things aren't important, but if I don't love myself to the best of my ability, then how can I continue to exude love to those close to me?

No Labels= a continuous work in progress


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