2024 Takeaways: Scene Two

 

Greetings to everyone. I hope you are doing well.

In my previous takeaway, I covered the widespread impact of loss. In this scene, I would like to switch gears and discuss change.

For some, just mentioning the word change invites trepidation, uncertainty, and even fear. All of those emotions are relatable and understandable.

On the other side of change (if one is open) is adventure, opportunity, and growth.

In case you were unaware, one of my very best friends (the one I often refer to as a Spirit Sista) has a son who is on the autism spectrum. Different levels of functionality exist on the spectrum. Examples of high functionality on the spectrum are in the movie Rain Man or in a show like The Good Doctor. Her son is somewhere in the middle. 

Jazz and Gino have resided in New Jersey since May 2015. Although we have moved twice, we managed to stay within the same school district, which was necessary for him to continue to receive services. Plus, Gino prefers not to have big changes, for it takes him a while to adjust.

June 2024 was Gino's final year ... his graduation day. The staff did their best to prepare Gino for his upcoming transition. Jazz was pretty poker-faced (or tried to be) until the time was near. 

Life after school was a drastic change.

Jazz and I had to figure out which path would be best. Initially, Jazz had specific programs she wanted Gino to be a part of; unfortunately, most of them had wait lists or they weren't accepting anyone.

We concluded that finding a collegiate fit for Gino would be difficult due to his challenges with focus and often talking to his characters out loud. This would be disruptive to a college setting, regardless of size and if it were on or offline.

The reality of Gino being at home and restless 24-7 took its toll. Gino demonstrated signs of socially regressing due to not seeing or interacting with his school friends. After long days of work, Jazz and I could not always entertain him.

Soon, Jazz alerted his care coordinator to find the first adult daycare program available. Availability did not come until October.

The best thing about his day program is that Gino has been reunited with some of his old classmates. Although it is not like school, in Gino's mind, he gets the same social benefits. 

Getting an adult plan in place for Gino has lots of steps.

Knowing this, I pondered about what role I would serve and whether I would continue to do so. Even before Jazz and I officially met, Gino referred to me as "titi" (aunt). I've been in his life since he was ten and one of the few mainstays that he has. 

After my divorce, I was still figuring out my next steps. Even though Jazz and Gino had opportunities to venture elsewhere, they chose not to. Over time, we became our own family.

When that transition happened, it made it easier to make decisions on future steps. I've always been the future thinker but I've leaned into that even more so because of Gino. Gino's father is not in the picture and has not expressed interest in playing a role. He's definitely missing out.

Until next time,

M.O.M. Entry Three

 

Hello there. The Unleashed One here, back sooner than expected, with another journal entry. I thought I would close out May with another M.O.M. (Misconceptions on Monica), so without further pause, let's get to the sauce.

MOM #3: The only thing that's changed about me is my appearance.

If that one is actually a news flash to anyone, then perhaps you've been on the other side of the world that has absolutely no access to technology.

Okay, that statement may have been somewhat extreme. Let's bring this to the base level.

I will surmise that it is harder for humanity to accept someone has changed than to release their perception of someone. It matters less whether the perception is true or not, just how powerful that perception is to thwart the basis of reality.

I will venture further to say that it is harder for people to accept that internal change (more often than not) accompanies external change. Especially when people equate "nice and kind" with "naive and pushover" and a nice and kind person decides to rewrite that narrative via assertiveness and setting boundaries.

Then, that "nice, kind person" becomes that "mean, cruel bitch".

Along the way, I've become that "mean, cruel bitch". I do not believe those terms are accurate, but they are facts to individuals who previously had access to me.

The process of healing is not a carefree entity. Although it's friendlier to deem it "talk therapy", the end result of the talks is not always friendly.

There can be intensity, tears, shame, and disappointment.

There are moments when you leave the session even more confused than when you started.

Note: This is not to discourage anyone to get the help that they need. Just understand that you're not "always" going to feel good. Feeling good through combating trauma takes work, mainly your willingness to work.

I recognized that in my younger years, what I thought was keeping the peace, actually served as the gateway for people to treat me as a lesser individual.

When I would say "yes" when I really felt like saying "no" gave credence to people believing they could do anything they wanted to me without any blowback or repercussions.

The more I embodied the archetype of "The Iron Maiden", the more inhumanely I was treated. What was coached to me as strength and endurance were used against me in those moments when I should have abandoned those teachings.

I do not fault the teachers, for they were just going by what they knew.

What they were taught.

What they thought was best.

I cannot change the stitching in my past's quilt. I cannot wash out the caked-on stains of bullying, psychological abuse, emotional manipulation, sexual assault, and rape. I cannot swap out the patterns of toxic coping mechanisms of then for what I know now are better solutions.

Even to this day, I work on giving myself more grace. Forgiving myself for the atrocities. The ones that have been dissected to death. The ones I've just now been brave enough to pull out of the dark chest of my subconsciousness. 

All I can do is be better in the present. Treat me with more respect. Make better choices with who I allow in my life. Be as protective as possible with my boundaries.

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As I outlined in "The Weight of Weight", it was the decrease in my physical weight that opened the corridor to the rest. 

I see the difference in how I'm treated at my current size. It should have surprised me but it didn't. However, it is mainly those who know me from the past who have attempted to gauge my temperature.

Can they address me in the same way as before? Can they get away with the same antics as before?

I have reached the stage where they cannot. In other words ...

Yes, my name is still Monica.

Yes, I was that kid that was teased for being fat, wearing glasses, wearing braces.

Yes, I was that girl perceived as being ugly because I was black, along with being fat, wearing glasses, and wearing braces.

Yes, I was that adolescent that was not accepted by my race for seemingly "acting white" and "too poor" to fit in with the white people I was thrown into academically advanced classes with. I was only accepted by those who hadn't been accepted by others.

Yes, I was that individual who longed for love and often got imitations of love from the wrong individuals. 

Yes, I was that person who tried to cope with pain in other ways that ended up hurting innocent people in the crossfire.

___

A person can unlearn behaviors. A person can change. A person doesn't have to succumb to fate as solely being a byproduct of one's environment or mistakes. That's the power of free will. That's the power of transformation and growth.

I have discovered that as I've transformed and grown, people that once may have belonged no longer do. I have conveyed, to the people who have remained, that I have changed. However, change isn't always negative. It can rip off the blinders ... to see people who say they are for me are really for me ... or were they gauging more benefit off of who I once was.

Sure, I've sustained more personal losses than I thought I would, but it leaves space for those who are in alignment with who I am now and who I want to be in the future.

And with that said ...

When "No" Is A Challenge

Hello to everyone! The Unleashed One here. I saw this in a Facebook group and it got me thinking about my progress in this realm. How well was I doing with utilizing my NO in situations where I would have said YES, even if I didn't want to? Was I honoring some of the affirmations that I still have in various locations in my room, such as:

Utilize NO with necessity and without guilt.

Respect the covenant YOU made with YOURSELF.

Although it is easy to adhere to these mantras when all is smooth sailing, it can become difficult when challenges rear their heads. Can one still keep one's word to herself, even if the consequences can cause confusion, doubt, pain, even starting over?

I want to speak on these topics as they've manifested in my life.

Without further delay, let's dive in.

This particular situation put my COVENANT and my utilization of NO at great risk.

Please note: I do not place my blame on this person. He was just being the individual I've always known him to be.

I put the blame on myself.

Although I've walked away from this situation continuously, I kept strolling back into it in one way or another.

I am an individual who is high in not only self-awareness but also analysis. I had to be honest and ask myself, "Why did I go there YET again? What did he show you that made you believe things were going to ACTUALLY be different this time around instead of the emotional manipulation to bring you back in?"

The main factor has to do with the "me vs them" scenario. It is like those horror movies where one person sees or knows that a person is a killer but everyone else thinks he's a nice guy. Or that he's friendly to them and because they haven't seen this person's dark side, that he doesn't have one, or even worse, the "knower" is delusional and can not be believed.

Let's just say I am that knower.

I have been the subject of his manipulations for as far back as I can remember. Yet back in that time, I didn't have a name for it. He and I both were young, and I just wanted to be in a relationship where I felt happy. A relationship where I could trust the person I was with. A relationship where I was loved and that I had someone to love me in return. 

He was not mature enough to give me that relationship. He was rarely honest. He could not stay faithful. He was highly insensitive, selfish, and vindictive. If he believed he was wronged (even if it wasn't true), he would use it as justification to get back at me. Then he would say, "If you hadn't done (insert accusation here), I wouldn't have done what I did."

But instead of being willing to let me go, he'd want me to stay, even though our interactions have always been more toxic than not.

This guy has been spending the past two and a half decades trying to convince me that he's different. From trying to place it on his mental illness to his attempts to convince me that our relationship wasn't all that bad, he has continued to want to be a part of my life.

Also note: I don't doubt his mental illness, but I hate when people use mental illness as a tool to manipulate or guilt individuals each time they've behaved badly.

When one is a subject of trauma, particularly a long history of such, it can be difficult to deprogram trauma thoughts and responses.

In trauma, it is all about the tormenter. Making that person happy.

In my dealings with him, I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong to make HIM act up. I just wanted an ebb of peace, even if it is temporary, to reset. In that relationship, MY needs didn't matter. MY thoughts weren't significant, intelligent, or heard. He expected me to ALWAYS compromise while he rarely did the same. MY existence was not as important as his, and that is how he treated me.

But to everyone else, he's different. He bends over backward for them. He compliments them, congratulates them on their successes. He has money to burn and to give, but when he's down and out, he comes to the one person he's treated like a wad of gum stuck in his shoe.

I made a covenant with myself to not put myself in situations where I was devalued. Where I was made ashamed for living my life as I see fit and loving people the way I wanted. Even if it didn't match the stereotypical concept of friendship and family.

Giving him the opportunity to have another shot was the antithesis of that covenant.

I should not have permitted someone else's experiences with him to make me question his character, his personality, his fractured mind. The way he behaved was exactly what I was accustomed to, but because I was expected different, it derailed me.

I wasn't wrong. I hate getting put in situations where I am doubting my right. Doubting my gut. Questioning the exodus I was given from this person multiple times. Foolishly believing that my presence gave any improvement to the psychological, spiritual, and emotional mess he has been during his entire time on Earth.

A person's presence can not provide light or improvement if an individual doesn't see anything wrong with his darkness or behavior.

Sure, he said all the keywords to make me believe he wanted to change, but if it isn't bothered by consistent action, then it might as well be fantasy.

I put guilt in a NO that was necessary. That shouldn't have been done with this individual. 

I have accepted that interaction with this individual is improbable and an impossibility.

I am appreciative that HE shared HIS truth because it confirmed that my FIRST instinct about him was always spot on, and any inklings that were contrary were just that ... inklings.

Superficiality can never stick to those devoted to depth. I can't fake being superficial or caring about topics, things, and people I don't give a shit about.

I can't push past the spiritual sickness I feel in him that he is indifferent about seeking healing for, nor am I the "balm that can cure all", as he tried to tout. Perhaps he was trying to convince himself more than me.

He will be okay, as he is and has always been.

Despite our history, I wish him well.

I have added this above sentiment as my newest affirmation as well as a new phrase in my covenant. This will be a continuous reminder of my progress.

Next time, I will speak on JOY and HAPPINESS, why it is difficult for me to put them as primary goals as opposed to measly electives.

Thanks for taking the time to check me out ... Unleashed.