Utilize NO with necessity and without guilt.
Respect the covenant YOU made with YOURSELF.
Although it is easy to adhere to these mantras when all is smooth sailing, it can become difficult when challenges rear their heads. Can one still keep one's word to herself, even if the consequences can cause confusion, doubt, pain, even starting over?
I want to speak on these topics as they've manifested in my life.
Without further delay, let's dive in.
This particular situation put my COVENANT and my utilization of NO at great risk.
Please note: I do not place my blame on this person. He was just being the individual I've always known him to be.
I put the blame on myself.
Although I've walked away from this situation continuously, I kept strolling back into it in one way or another.
I am an individual who is high in not only self-awareness but also analysis. I had to be honest and ask myself, "Why did I go there YET again? What did he show you that made you believe things were going to ACTUALLY be different this time around instead of the emotional manipulation to bring you back in?"
The main factor has to do with the "me vs them" scenario. It is like those horror movies where one person sees or knows that a person is a killer but everyone else thinks he's a nice guy. Or that he's friendly to them and because they haven't seen this person's dark side, that he doesn't have one, or even worse, the "knower" is delusional and can not be believed.
Let's just say I am that knower.
I have been the subject of his manipulations for as far back as I can remember. Yet back in that time, I didn't have a name for it. He and I both were young, and I just wanted to be in a relationship where I felt happy. A relationship where I could trust the person I was with. A relationship where I was loved and that I had someone to love me in return.
He was not mature enough to give me that relationship. He was rarely honest. He could not stay faithful. He was highly insensitive, selfish, and vindictive. If he believed he was wronged (even if it wasn't true), he would use it as justification to get back at me. Then he would say, "If you hadn't done (insert accusation here), I wouldn't have done what I did."
But instead of being willing to let me go, he'd want me to stay, even though our interactions have always been more toxic than not.
This guy has been spending the past two and a half decades trying to convince me that he's different. From trying to place it on his mental illness to his attempts to convince me that our relationship wasn't all that bad, he has continued to want to be a part of my life.
Also note: I don't doubt his mental illness, but I hate when people use mental illness as a tool to manipulate or guilt individuals each time they've behaved badly.
When one is a subject of trauma, particularly a long history of such, it can be difficult to deprogram trauma thoughts and responses.
In trauma, it is all about the tormenter. Making that person happy.
In my dealings with him, I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong to make HIM act up. I just wanted an ebb of peace, even if it is temporary, to reset. In that relationship, MY needs didn't matter. MY thoughts weren't significant, intelligent, or heard. He expected me to ALWAYS compromise while he rarely did the same. MY existence was not as important as his, and that is how he treated me.
But to everyone else, he's different. He bends over backward for them. He compliments them, congratulates them on their successes. He has money to burn and to give, but when he's down and out, he comes to the one person he's treated like a wad of gum stuck in his shoe.
I made a covenant with myself to not put myself in situations where I was devalued. Where I was made ashamed for living my life as I see fit and loving people the way I wanted. Even if it didn't match the stereotypical concept of friendship and family.
Giving him the opportunity to have another shot was the antithesis of that covenant.
I should not have permitted someone else's experiences with him to make me question his character, his personality, his fractured mind. The way he behaved was exactly what I was accustomed to, but because I was expected different, it derailed me.
I wasn't wrong. I hate getting put in situations where I am doubting my right. Doubting my gut. Questioning the exodus I was given from this person multiple times. Foolishly believing that my presence gave any improvement to the psychological, spiritual, and emotional mess he has been during his entire time on Earth.
A person's presence can not provide light or improvement if an individual doesn't see anything wrong with his darkness or behavior.
Sure, he said all the keywords to make me believe he wanted to change, but if it isn't bothered by consistent action, then it might as well be fantasy.
I put guilt in a NO that was necessary. That shouldn't have been done with this individual.
I have accepted that interaction with this individual is improbable and an impossibility.
I am appreciative that HE shared HIS truth because it confirmed that my FIRST instinct about him was always spot on, and any inklings that were contrary were just that ... inklings.
Superficiality can never stick to those devoted to depth. I can't fake being superficial or caring about topics, things, and people I don't give a shit about.
I can't push past the spiritual sickness I feel in him that he is indifferent about seeking healing for, nor am I the "balm that can cure all", as he tried to tout. Perhaps he was trying to convince himself more than me.
He will be okay, as he is and has always been.
Despite our history, I wish him well.