Saturday, December 4, 2021

31 Days of Journaling: Day 4


Hello everyone. I pray that everyone's Saturday is going okay thus far. 

Although I took this photograph a short while ago, it matches the subject of what I wanted to discuss today ... how a concept can take form and come into fruition.

I'm sure that everyone is aware that I publish under the pseudonym Queen of Spades. When I am asked how I came up with her name, the short answer has always been, just paraphrasing: "Quite often, the troubles of life come in Spades. When they do, you have to handle them like a Queen." 

Queen of Spades has always been more than those statements. I created her when I was eleven years old. During that time, I dealt with many issues which stunted some facets of my social development. I was bullied for being too fat, too ugly, poor eyesight, wearing braces, my speech impediment ... you name it. Children were cruel back then. They are still cruel now.

There weren't as many outlets or resources to deal with those situations as they are now. My way of handling what I was going through was journaling. The number of friends I had was scant, and out of those friends, it was rare I didn't go through an issue where I was betrayed. It made me feel alone. I felt misunderstood. I didn't feel as if I could talk to my family: they had their own problems.

Pen and paper were my true friends. Being able to write was my salvation through tough circumstances. 

Queen of Spades was birthed as the personification of the type of person I wished I was. The way I wished the world could see me. That beyond my appearance of awkwardness there was strength, depth, and beauty. One worth knowing and liking.

Unfortunately, because I was met with people's cruelty more so than their kindness, Queen of Spades manifested more like an Ice Maiden. Instead of responding with silence, she responded with action so ferocious that my bullying stopped. Queen of Spades became a mainstay, not only in my writings but also in interacting with others. 

However, once the day dwindled down and I wasn't around people, I put her away, like prescription glasses to take off prior to slumber.

Within these past few years, there has been a shift where Queen of Spades feels less like her own entity. I believe a lot of it has to do with the spiritual healing I am embarking on. As I've tapped into my Shadow Work and embraced my truth as an empath, I now have comfort, as opposed to rejection and rebellion, fueling my nonconformity. As the current population would say, being driven by proactive rather than reactive energy "hits differently".

With this development, Queen of Spades has shifted from a pseudonym, protector, and ideal to a part that was essentially me all along.

I am putting this sense of cohesion to the written test by developing the 1st body of work under my name as opposed to hers. It will launch sometime next year.

Am I nervous about it? I am about as nervous as one could be when writing under your pseudonym for over three decades.

Even so, I am a believer that those who are true supporters and fans are going to turn up their noses at this latest project because Queen of Spades isn't the headliner.

No, Queen of Spades isn't going into retirement. She's just going to share the spotlight occasionally.

And with that said, I'm out. ☮

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