Tuesday, June 2, 2020

Confessional: June 2, 2020

Greetings everyone. The Unleashed One here with another confessional. This is part 3 of the Confessionals I've been doing on January 19th and February 19th. Click on the underlined text to get caught up.

Confessional #3: I realize I often attract the walking wounded but sometimes perceive that means it's my responsibility to heal them.





Sometimes, I wish I could shut it off. The ability to feel so immensely. That propensity to nurture and to see the potential in people. It can become dangerous if you don't set boundaries. Because I didn't lay down borders, I subjected myself to those who looked upon the trait as a weakness and took advantage.

I didn't set boundaries as I should during my marriage. Since I wanted my marriage to be "forever", when certain signs popped up, rather than walking away immediately, I looked to myself. I asked myself if I was doing anything wrong. If I needed to do anything different. I never shifted the strobe light to my companion, to that person's behavior and how it could be amended.

It took my physical health hitting an all-time low for my vision to become clear. To see that the person I took vows with was more invested in his satiation and being a superhero to others, all the while being an arch-nemesis under the very roof I provided.



On my birthday in 2015, I hit my breaking point. I threw him out and didn't look back. However, it took about a year and a half to finalize my divorce— part of it was him being wishy-washy on paying on the cost of the divorce. The other part was him making it difficult for me to find out where he was staying and getting him served.

Did I try to go out on the dating scene? Sure. I was even in a relationship in the latter part of 2017 into the summer of 2018. I was not in a rush to get married, much less engaged. I wanted to focus on healing myself ... to return to who I was, sans a relationship. I believed that the person I was with understood this and respected the slow pace I wanted to go. I found out through his actions that he wasn't. 

That was soon to be two years ago.

I say all of that to say this ... I thought I'd escaped the cycle, but it took T re-entering my life to discover that I really hadn't.

I'm not saying there weren't moments when things were calm. There were, but there were too many inklings of his past behavior that would trigger me. 

Examples:

(1) I don't tend to take phone calls while I'm at work unless it's my lunch break. Despite knowing that, T would call but then feel some type of way if I don't answer.

(2) I don't stay up very late anymore. I discovered a set bedtime, even on the weekends and holidays, works best for me. Do you think T adhered to it?

(3) When T would speak about his frustration, I would listen and not downplay his feelings. Yet, when I would try to be open about how something he did or said impacted me, he'd immediately accuse me of "overreacting", then on top of that, insult me. For him, any type of reaction is better than my ignoring him.

The final straw for me was the middle of December 2019. I was experiencing emotional exhaustion after bringing back someone from the brink. I needed space to reset, but T wasn't giving it to me. He accused me of lying simply because I was posting trivial stuff on Facebook. I take great offense to someone accusing me of lying, especially when I opted to be vulnerable with the person when I could have just kept it to myself like I typically do.

I haven't interacted with him since then, although he's still trying.

T has to change because he wants to. Not with the hope of me being in his life. He has to do that whether I'm there or not.

Love, in any form, isn't this dramatic roller coaster. It's an ebb and flow. There are moments when it's not always going to shine like the sun. If anything, it's saying: "Even in the darkest hours, I'd rather have you with me than go through it alone."

Joy and happiness does come and go.

Love endures.

I have a lot of love to give, but I'm learning to stop giving it to those who are undeserving and those who don't appreciate it. I did not get to this point until I basked it upon myself. I am not saying that yearnings do not occur, but I ask myself, "Is the investment worth the risk?"

There's not a person currently that has changed that "no" to a "yes". 

Peace.

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