Wednesday, February 19, 2020

Confessional: February 19, 2020

Hello all of you:

This is Part B of the Confessional I wrote on January 19th. If any of you want to have a refresher, please click on the cool text below.

Part B is as follows: When I dare to give a second opportunity, I usually pull for the person to prove me wrong.

Transitioning from high school student to college freshman was somewhat bittersweet. In high school, I finished with all types of honors and received all types of awards that would aid me financially with college. Emotionally I was in a weird state of flux.

For one, the breakup with T occurred the summer before I was to start college. There was so much fallout because of my involvement with him. The biggest was the strain between my grandmother and me. My going to college was the beginning of repairing that tear. On top of that, I reflected on what I endured from him and instead of chalking it up to he wasn't a good pick for me, I turned it on myself, believing that I had to change my constitution ... that somehow, if I was different, I wouldn't have landed in that predicament to begin with.

I wouldn't say I became cold. But my heart was developing a bit of frost. I was not as caring about the whole falling in love notion. Also, since my first romp at sex was uneventful, the aspect of gaining more experience didn't have me excited.

I don't want to get too far off track by talking about my relationship from freshman year. I will say that the guy I was with, in the early going, was very bold about our union and would show us off wherever we would go. That included one time when I went home to see one of the high school games. T was there. The new guy knew about T being my ex and opted to make a spectacle. I could feel T staring at me the whole time.

Our lives went in different directions. I had other relationships after the guy from freshman year. I graduated from college in 2000.

T didn't go the college route, decided he was done with college after high school. I heard through the grapevine that he was living a different lifestyle, which made me wonder if he had dallied in that during our relationship. It was hard for me to fathom that he still wanted to be with me under the circumstances, so I didn't take him seriously.

After not being able to find employment right away in my home state, I moved to Georgia in 2001. I was only there for a brief while before relocating to NJ in 2003.

I've been out in NJ since then. I try to go back to MS when I can but confess to it being less frequent once my grandfather passed away in 2011. 

Despite the time gap and the distance, T never stopped trying. Most of the time I would just not talk to him. But in these recent years, I started doing the tough work on myself, and part of that was getting to a place of healing as it pertained to the trauma T inflicted on me.

Because I never spelled out why I avoided him so much, I put my thoughts on paper and sent them to him. I wasn't sure if I could ever be friends with him but I wanted him to know that if we were going to head on that path, I would have to have different experiences than what I'd already gone through.

T said he understood. He even apologized. This gave me a glimmer of hope. Was part of healing seeing if T could serve a downgraded role in my life? Or was it just a level of manipulation by a seasoned narcissist?

Find out more next month.


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