Sunday, January 19, 2020

Confessional: January 19, 2020

Hello. The Unleashed One here, back with another confessional.

Hmmm ... to do this all-in-one shot or divide it into parts? That is the question. It's funny how movies are getting longer but some people's attention spans to reading has declined.

Stretch it out it is.

However, I don't think I will post all the segments involved with this confessional in the same month. Mainly because it's heavy content.

Consider that your warning.

Confessional 1.19.20-1 (or what I'll be calling Part A): It's rare that I look back upon a decision I've made due to second guessing or confirmation.

It's ironic that I'm writing this on what would be this person's 41st birthday. My final decision is the very decision I should have stuck with June 3, 1996.

No ... that wasn't a typo. 1996.

Let's start from the beginning.

The first time T and I were in a relationship was around November 1994. I don't know what prompted T to ask me out. Heck, I don't know what prompted me to agree. It was a mistake about two weeks in.

In those days, I was less caring about fallout. If I wasn't feeling it, I wasn't having it.

T and I (take two) blossomed on June 3, 1995. I decided to get a job to start earning money towards college expenses. I worked at the local grocery store and T would stop by from time to time. The relationship continued into my senior year in high school.

There were a number of events which aided in the longevity of Round Two:
(1) I wondered what I was missing out on socially. I desired to branch out but my grandma was very resistant to it.
(2) Since I couldn't understand my grandma's perspective at that time, an age of rebellion took place.
(3) My grandma absolutely despised T. Not only did she not think he was an appropriate choice for me; she placed a lot of blame for my period of acting out. Her zest to keep us apart actually did the opposite in the interim.
(4) There was all this talk about sex which I had yet to experience, but I wanted my first time to be special, preferably in the context of marriage.

Maybe I had read too many romance novels, for my images of my first experience involved flowers, candles, music, and tenderness. It was a divisive contrast of how the act is from a clinical perspective. (Think those pamphlets you get at the health department clinical).

Also, most of the girls I knew were already experienced, acted like it was no big deal.

On top of that, T was putting on pressure. He started doubting my love for him. He told me that it was the ultimate proof that I loved him. Besides, in his mind, we were getting married anyway, so technically, we weren't doing anything wrong.

Honestly, I just got worn down. By the pressure of it all. I believed if I gave him this gift, then T would be happy.

Let's just say that my 1st time was the opposite of everything in the romance novels. Even the opposite of "no big deal". It was a big deal, and it hurt immensely. I discovered later that T was rough with me because he believed the lies of two of my ex-boyfriends that said they hit it already. All that was disproved when he was covered with blood.

He apologized but I was heartbroken. I just gave him something precious when he didn't believe I was precious.

I should have walked away. I should have followed the little sketches in the health department handbook. "If he really loves you, he'll wait."

But I was at odds with my grandma and others over being with him. I admit to being too prideful. I was already embarrassed at my virginity being gone. It would just add further insult to admit they were right about him.

After T had my virginity, it wasn't enough. He became more demanding of my time, turning absolutely cruel over the tiniest of incidents. Like if I didn't call him back right away. Or if I didn't want to sneak off grounds with him or meet him at certain places. He'd insult me, and those insults ate at me, since I was already battling with how I felt about my appearance. And had my entire life.

T'd always accuse me of cheating, despite knowing my school schedule and my work schedule. Plus, I didn't drive at the time. My grandfather took me where I needed to go. How would I even have opportunity to cheat was beyond me.

The longer I stayed in this toxic relationship, the more disrespectful T became. I eventually hit a breaking point. I was always better at expressing myself at writing. Plus, I didn't want to get in a yelling match with T. I wrote a letter for his cousin to give to him. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Shortly after the breakup, another guy was interested in me. I liked the fact that he was older; that he didn't go to the high school. I'm not sure if my grandma approved of him fully but at least he was going through the ritual of courting me. It was pleasing for me. To be in a union where I didn't have to sneak about. It was freeing. There was one slight downfall. This new guy liked to travel, so I'd see him when he was available.

The beginning of the end of the new beau was when he was a no-show for my high school prom. Since I'd already bought the dress, I tagged along with my best friend at the time and her date. T was there with a date who I found out was his cousin. Still fuming at being stood up, I did something stupid. Permitted T to get close to me again. T turned on the same charm he used at the interim of chance #2. It almost made me forget what a cruel person he could be.

Yes, almost.

The next day, I apologized to T for letting him think we were going to get back together. I was upset at the other guy. I reiterated that our breakup was for the best. Of course, he disagreed and spent the remainder of my senior year trying to show me he was a changed guy, and if I gave him another chance, he'd be good to me.

I rededicated myself to my activities. I couldn't let all of this white noise keep me from graduating and going to college. 

T begged and pleaded consistently until I opted to give things a trial run shortly after high school graduation. He had exhibited good behavior for an extended period of time. Even a couple of T's cousins said they observed positive changes with T.

Unfortunately, it wasn't even two weeks later when the same best friend I went to prom with revealed that she saw him at the mall with his ex-girlfriend. 

On the day he and I were to spend time together at the mall, I saw evidence of some foolery on his skin. I ended it and from an intimate relationship perspective never looked back.

I know you're thinking ... but there's more parts to this. Yes there is. Just because the romantic relationship ended didn't mean a certain person stopped the pursuit.

More on that next month.


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