Friday, October 26, 2012

Twister (oh, you're brand new now)

No, I'm not talking about the game, although this Finger Twister version of it looks funky...

I hate when I say something out of concern, and it gets twisted into something else.

When someone has shown that his actions and words don’t match, yet I am the bad guy when I point this thing out. 

I hate when someone asks my opinion, and when I give the opinion, I get accused of it not coming from an objective place.  

I hate when things didn't go to plan, based on the very snags I pointed out, to not get an acknowledgement that the hiccups I pointed out had some sort of credence.  

Yet I am expected not to be affected by this, to pretend it doesn't bother me.  

I am disappointed because I thought if anyone definitely knew me, it would be you.  

I would never lead anyone who I hold in high regard down a destructive path.  Nor am I going to hold back when I have reservations about something just to spare feelings.  

I can’t ignore when my gut is one fire, sensing something isn't right.  Yet when I convey this to you, lately, more often than not , I’m getting told that I’m being overly emotional when you know in the past, my gut has been dead on.  

Yet you think that if there’s someone close to you, there should be an exception.  

I’m sorry but instinct doesn't discriminate.  

Your being too close to the situation can also render you blind to the signs; sometimes, even knowing the signs, you simply don’t want to believe this person is worthy of such scrutiny.  

The facts do not lie.  

Let's backtrack for a minute....

I don’t understand how a person can go around and say, “Don’t worry about a thing; everything is on me,” when it comes to treating people to a meal, then when the bill comes out starts bitching about the check.  

Yes, the prices in one place may be way different than the prices somewhere else, but that’s when you look at the prices printed on the menu.  

Granted, alcoholic beverage prices may not be printed, but the food prices are.  

Plus, if you are on a budget, then you let the party know, “Hey guys, try not to spend over this much” and still be able to treat people without making yourself look stupid.  

It’s just poor taste to say “I’ve got everyone”, then look for people to pay.  

Then, on top of that, the people he said he was going to come back and spend time with (after he dropped off the extra passenger) he never came back for.  No call, no explanation.  Couldn’t reach him.  It would be different if everyone was out in the boonies, but this is a major city we are talking about.

Yet excuses were made for his bad behavior back then.  

You are falling on tough times; this same person, who has done these shady things, comes forth, claiming to be the answer, volunteering himself.  He’s the ultimate salesperson, saying the right key words—money, power.  Mentioning all types of big names, etc., getting people all excited and worked up.  

Talk is one thing but make the talk appear in writing.  

He says “he’s got it” once again.  

Provide the evidence in print.  

It’s one thing to say it but when it’s in writing, it’s harder to dispute.  One shouldn't agree to anything, particularly in business, unless the contracts are seen.  

Yet when I ask about these things, which should be common sense as well as business, I get accused of trying to "drive a wedge".  

The only thing I’m driving a wedge in is your way of thinking on this; if this person wasn't close to you in some way, would you be willing to trust as freely or would you be more objective?  

You didn't even stop to ask this; you didn't even stop to compare his track record to my track record.  You didn't even stop to do a fact checker.  

However, because I want success for you, I was hoping he would actually prove me wrong and come through with the very things that a person attempting to act as a business man would do.  

Yet where there is a load of talk lies an absence of necessary papers to back up the words.  

This is where the "supposed business man" suddenly becomes too busy to be around, even though he was at one’s disposal every single day.  

Here’s where the first time, the "business man" didn't have the address; the second time, he had the wrong address.  The third time, he claims it was sent.  

A full fledged scavenger hunt through the inbox, multiple folders, and junk mail, only to find nothing.  

Now, the papers have disappeared in the e-mail  universe, after receiving the correct E-mail address twice.

This whole scene, especially the action segment, looks very familiar.    

I know you are hurting because he failed you again, but you don’t want to really own up to it.  

However, my hurt is two fold. 

I hurt for you because I know how much stock you put into his idea.  I also hurt because you didn't have enough faith in my track record or my love for you to even entertain the fact there were all sorts of holes in this.  You accused me of trying to make you choose instead of the obvious, which is that I love you enough to look out for you and that I believe in you, but I don’t want you to be made a fool out of.  

The last part stings and hurts the most because I've had you in many situations where others turned their backs.  

Plus, as adamant as I have been with you keeping close ties to family, I am in disbelief that you’d even propose I’d do such a thing.  

A man who has been my father (my grandfather), passed away.  My grandmother (who raised me) is not in the best of health.  My mom and my siblings have a toxic relationship, which you know the details.  I’m thousands of miles away from my blood family and friends I consider family, and I’m getting heat for tearing up a family just because I let you know a certain person is full of dung?  Family holds special importance for me; I just felt like it was a new low.  

You wanted to one up me those few days past; I let you win that battle, but is it really worth the aftermath of the present?  

Broken dreams.  A wounded heart.  One of your strongest advocates growing very weary, suffering multiple layers of tired.

I am suffering.

I am tired.

I am tired of my genuine concern being twisted into malicious criticism

I am tired of my disdain for someone based on his track record being turned into I’m trying to put a wedge in a relationship.

I am tired of being used as the scapegoat when you should just be honest when you don’t want to spend time with anyone.   A way can be made if you want to spend time with someone; all you have to do is just say the word; if it can happen, it will happen.  Means are tough right now, but if it is known in advance, those means can be set aside.

I am tired of being pegged “emotional” or “paranoid” when my instincts tends to be dead on.

Quit painting me as this nagging, overbearing person who needs to spend every waking moment with you at the detriment of friends and family, for that is the EXACT OPPOSITE of who I am.

Nagging and breaking down what needs to be done are not the same thing.

A person who is overbearing doesn't constantly encourage you to have a social life and spend time with your friends and family.

A person who needs to spend every waking moment with you would not have a life of her own or do activities outside of you—whether it’s working out, catching a matinee movie, cleaning, blogging, drawing, etc.

My identity isn't caught up in being so-and-so’s mate. 

It’s taken me a while to get to point to give myself permission to have my own life, particularly after being in an almost six year relationship which didn't give me that opportunity.

Just let me be someone who is an individual who loves you, cares about you, and can be open and honest about her views and her feelings, even if they are in opposition of what you think. 

Baby, I just gotta be me….

And I'm out this mutha....

(drops mic)

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