Thursday, October 18, 2012

Clouds...Incoming


After my birthday until about the end of the year, I have recognized a pattern.  
My mood seems to go into a bit of a slump.  I have noticed it since I haven’t lived back in Mississippi, especially once I moved out to New Jersey. 
At first, the feeling was dulled because I was in a relationship and the family of the person I was with went out of their way to make me feel included.  However, after that relationship ended back in 2008, those feelings began getting more pronounced again. 
I start getting depressed.  Mainly because of being homesick, and in a lot of cases, I’m not allotted the time to be able to see my family (mainly my grandma) or my closest friends (which mainly reside down South).  I try to keep myself busy to take my mind of it.  At times, when I’m able, I try to recreate the ambiance of Thanksgiving and Christmas. 
But it doesn’t feel the same.  
I wish SOS could fully understand it, but since his family normally didn’t celebrate those type of things anyway, it may be hard for him to identify why I feel such a strong connection to certain holidays (like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 4th of July). 
Because those were the holidays when my family would do the most celebrating or when family members from out of town were able to come through. 
This year is particularly trying. 
This month was the anniversary of Colby and Franklin’s death
SOS hadn't too long lost his father and his birthday is coming up next month. 
Plus, another person SOS lost years ago—the anniversary of that death is coming up, too. 
So I know he can relate to the depressed part of it. 
Although there’s been a lot of trauma since my grandfather’s death, I really would like to come and visit my grandma, even if it’s only for a week.  I know I don’t have the means, especially with what happened late last month with finances, to stay longer.  My grandma has warned me against it, saying there’s still a lot of drama going on, and she doesn't want me to be dragged into the whole thing.  I want to respect and understand where my grandma is coming from but at the same time, I don’t think the drama should be a deterrent for us connecting. 
I am still trying to weigh everything out and not let the dark clouds in. 
Looking to sunlight and rainbows (when rain comes)… 
Peace.


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