Well, I was originally going to write my Soul Cleanse (the one about Putting Myself First). But this other statement is calling to be written, due to an incident that happened late yesterday (since it's technically the next day now).
Put things in Proper Perspective.
Normally, I'd be winding down at this hour, but I can't sleep. I don't think I will be able to sleep until I get this out.
It should not shock me, but I am still learning how I am as it pertains to relationships. Just when I think I have most of my compartments in a row, there's a box in the basement, collecting dust that hasn't been peeked into.
I have never been the type of female who always demanded 24-7 attention. I mean that in the sense of I never felt like a person's life had to revolve around me. I never made it a requirement, even if the person and I are under the same roof with each other.
Some females think I'm a little off my rocker—they have to have every waking hour with their mates or they wouldn't know what to do with themselves.
Am I really conditioned strangely?
I know part of is that I was in a few relationships where the people was pretty demanding of my time. Like wanting to spend every moment with me to the point where I couldn't spend time to myself or with friends.
I started to feel suffocated because in some of them (not all), I deemed the demand of time a bit excessive. After one of my relationships in particular, I opted to do mostly long distance for a time. I didn't mind writing, calling, or E-mailing or there being spaces of time where we'd have to wait and see each other. It felt a bit freeing to me; when we did see each other, it just made the time more valuable.
I realize my experiences have shaped how I feel about the time thing, along with the not really being that type of female.
Also, for the most part, I'm a loner.
You won't really see me hang out with swarms of people, unless it would be an event for work or if it's just my job to interact with a lot of people on the daily.
Sure, I put on the game face, but once I'm away from the bustle, I welcome the quiet.
If I am doing meetings, I prefer one-on-one or a very intimate gathering than a big to-do.
Yet, there are some who say I have the great potential to be a social butterfly of sorts. I just don't know if I can deal with all those different energies consistently on a daily basis (if it's not work related). I would get worn out after a while and would need a detox from all the energies—because not all energies ebb positive. Some just stay negative, and if you aren't in a controlled situation, then you can't control if it comes at you, unless you just opt to stay away from it.
Well, a situation popped up where if things were placed in proper perspective, there wouldn't have been a situation. Sometimes, you just have to let a statement be a statement, rather than read into too many layers.
Take me, for instance. I have a day gig, but I also have a side gig. For the past month or so, the side gig has been working me five days a week.
I do have workaholic tendencies, so although those tendencies are being fed, I know what happens when that beast gets fed too much. The rest of me begins to suffer and about two and a half years ago, I really felt the impact. I gave my word to my grandpa (rest in peace) and my grandma this next time around, I wouldn't go at it so hard.
I told the side gig a while back I only wanted to do three days a week. I would only do four if they absolutely couldn't find anyone else. They did respect it for a while, but for the past month, they have had me on five.
It makes it tough because it's not like I even go to the apartment and then go to the second gig. On the weekdays, I go straight from the day gig to the side gig.
It's also tough because in a lot of situations, I'm working the opposite shift of my someone special. Or it will be in a situation that I don't work the second gig but still am not able to see him because he's at work. Or he may be off, but I might be working both.
I conditioned myself to treasure the small moments, for I know why all of this is taking place. I know there's a bigger picture, and I stay focused on the bigger picture.
I guess I was putting a little bit too much focus on the final destination rather than the current journey.
I didn't fully gauge how the lack of time (or quality) of time was impacting my someone special until late last night. His work schedule had started to become more trying as well, for now he's getting six days instead of five...or if he is on five, he gets asked to stay later or to come in earlier. Now it's going on week four of doing six days, and the routine has mainly become work, eat, and sleep.
However, the initial statement came out as if he was fussing about not being able to get sleep, and I thought he was talking about that I kept him up or disturbed his sleep. There was this funny movie I was looking at, and I was laughing. In hindsight, I should have gone to the other room to watch the movie, but since he sleeps heavy, I didn't think it was bothering him.
But when he made the statement, I immediately thought I had disturbed him and told him I would make sure he would get sleep tomorrow because I'd give him his space, like by spending some time out or to go in the other room when I wanted to do something.
So based on my reaction to his statement, then his reaction was that I didn't get it.
So now, I'm confused because I am thinking since I will make it so he's getting more sleep, the problem would be solved. My perception is since I presented a workable solution, why isn't the problem fixed?
His perception is why doesn't she get that I'm not really fussing about sleep as much as it is I don't like that all I want to do is just sleep when I get off work when I'd rather be spending time with her. I miss the time I spend with her and treasure that time. I don't want to just see her in passing.
So misinterpretation and improper communication led to both of missing the mark and a good forty five minutes not seeing each other's point of view.
The clarity set in for me, and once it did, the whole disagreement seemed very dumb. However, it had to happen to put focus on that dusty box in the basement.
Clarity: When you have someone whose company you enjoy, you want to spend as much time with them as possible. When the amount of time starts becoming less, almost nonexistent, then it can raise issues.
Just because I could deal with bits and pieces of interaction didn't mean that he could. And he's not the type who needs a lot of people around him, but he likes spending time with me—even if it's mundane things like us cleaning the apartment together. It's just the whole aspect of being around me.
I had, though my own back story of experiences, made it seem like a crime of him wanting to cherish one of the most important elements of a strong relationship: enjoying the company of who you love.
The discussion about sleep was really deeper, but I got so caught up in the statement, I wasn't even zoning in to the back story.
He was so put off by my reaction (looked upon as failed or nonsensical) that it confused and upset him.
Now that the dust has cleared, he understands why I reacted the way I did. I understand why he reacted the way he did. Apologies flowed afterwards.
Progress does not always feel peachy. Sometimes, it feels painful but one must see the reward beyond the pain. I don't like feeling exposed, but I know I have to continue growing. Part of the growth is seeing the truth about self, even if it isn't pretty. I'd rather be in pain and growing than be in stagnation.
He keeps me from being stagnant, and I thank him for that, even if I don't always like it. It reminds me of what's important.
Only then will I be able to maintain....