Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Does Heaven Have Hiccups?

This title came to mind and just seems to fit my current state of things.  

I know I get asked if I’m "okay", and sometimes, I’m not sure how to answer it.  It’s not that I’m trying to make things overly complicated; it’s just that it’s not always that simple.  At times, the hesitation in confirmation or denial of "okay-ness" is really my trying to access whether it’s a good thing or bad thing to be "okay"…it’s not always a situation where the world is coming to an end or I’m pissed.

Just been reflecting on a few things. 

Can you be in a spot where things are going very well and yet still feel slightly devoid or not satisfied?  Can a relationship that feels like Heaven have its’ Hiccups?  Not Hiccups to the point where you want to leave altogether but to the point where you need some space. 

Like trying to have just enough space from the defender to where the guy with the ball can turn, shoot, and make the basket—that type of space.

I know I have a good person in my corner.  I know, at the end of the day, that person will be there when everyone else has cashed in the chips.  The reliability, care, willingness to listen, even if he doesn’t quite understand everything that is going on—he’s a solid.

These feelings that have surfaced really have more to do with me, so I’m not trying to place blame on anything; I’m just trying to wade in my own muck and mire to find the clarity.

Those of you who know me do know this is a huge transition from the type of relationship I was in from 2003-2008, and not just because it isn’t filled with the same type of drama and challenges as the last one.  Trust me, I don’t want that drama again; this isn’t really what it’s about.

It’s multifaceted in the sense of dealing with an element consistently you hadn’t dealt with since 2002.  Your sensory got so used to one, and now you have to readjust the sensory to the previous element.  It’s not nearly as easy as it seems.  Yes, it does help the person doesn’t have to deal with a whole lot of the challenges as the predecessors.  Still, there are times when the readjustment can be difficult.  That is one of the things I should have tried to deal with before the involvement, but I wasn’t sure how (or if) it would truly resurface or how it would come about.

Another discovery is that although I like the attentiveness, I have these moments when I want the aloneness.  It just comes from the way I am.  I’ve never been the type of woman to require a mate be all up under me; I come into it from the standpoint of we both have lives.  I just want the time I have with the person to be meaningful, even if it’s only a few moments.  I’d rather have brief moments of true bonding than long moments of meaninglessness…it just seems like a waste of time to me.

Having a roommate, even if it’s one you love spending time with, is different from living with your significant other.  If you have plans to go out or just want to be alone, the roommate would be understanding and just do his thing.  If you say “I just want some alone time” to your significant other, there can be a look of concern, followed by “What’s wrong?”  It is never initially just, “Hey, I just need some Me Time.”

Plus, roommates don’t normally sleep in the same bed, so wanting your bed to yourself isn’t an issue, either.  However, if you want to sleep alone in your own bed, it’s usually a situation where there’s a disagreement and the other person is sentenced to the spare bed or the couch.  It’s usually isn’t a situation where “you just want to sleep in your own bed alone.”

Then, there’s the whole going places by yourself. 

There were certain places I’d like going by myself, like the library, bookstore, mall, outlet stores, and heck, even the movies, sometimes, particularly if it’s a movie I knew the person I was with wasn’t feeling.  I don’t really see anything wrong with it. 

Now, a situation, like the club….although I’m not a club person, I was never the type to go to that thing by myself.  It would have to be with friends or who I’m seeing.  

I find myself yearning for that time again, and it’s not necessarily for anything being wrong.  I just don’t want to feel the obligation of it having to be a couples’ thing.  I consider it similar to a guy wanting to play a video game without feeling guilty about playing it because he feels like he has to be doing something with the significant other.

I don’t need someone to feel like he has to spend time with me all the time.  I want there to be a healthy balance—individual activities and together activities. 

I have just been feeling a bit crowded and cramped, and I think if I recapture those moments of aloneness, then I’ll be fine.  This doesn’t have to be the death of all the good things already in place, but I don’t want this, if not dealt with, to start eroding into other areas.

Seeking my water to calm the Hiccups…


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