Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Missing the Old (need to get this off my chest)

Taking a bit of reprieve
because my chest is heavy
I once knew of a person
thought his resolve was steady
but misintepretation
of messages sent
causing all types of confusion
peeps cerebrally bent
not sure if i can still be this close
not sure if this is a disguise
because my old friend i loved and trusted
wouldn't have delivered a lie...

I was originally not going to post this, but one of my best friends wasn't straight up.

Even when my spidey sense was on point and I asked him straight up, he still wasn't straightforward. 

I don't think I can do this least not on this type of closeness...not on this type of level.  I had his back, but I can't do that if he lies.

Like my grandma says, "In a situation like that, Love but feed him with a long handled spoon.  Love from a distance."

No, I've never been married.  But Love has to begin on a good, strong foundation; it can't grow properly from anything shaky, shady, or weak.  If the beginning is shaky one cannot be shocked at the outcome.  If one has disrespected vows, promised to change, and then continue to do wrong, is the union truly blessed?  It is God's way of telling a person that He has another plan for you...but He can't do His work if you continue to uphold foolishness and not be upfront with those who have always had your back.

But here are my testimony...nuff said:

Friends and family can love you but it will fall on deaf ears if YOU DON’T LOVE YOU…

This can be quite a hard realization to come to, but it is a realization that is truth.

There is this guy I know. I have known him for a very long time. He and I go way back. At the time, I was dating his cousin; in hindsight, I should have known that his cousin was not exactly the best match for me.

He still tried to be supportive, even gave insight on what his cousin and I should do to try to work through things. Then, when it seemed like his cousin was really not going to change, he counseled me to get out of that situation, that cousin wasn’t treating me the way I deserved to be treated.

At the time, I didn’t realize it. I was trying to keep something together that I believed was alive but it was dying. My friend tried to tell me, but no matter how many times he attempted it, I held on, although everyone else could smell the stench of decay.

I had to decide to LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH to know I DESERVED BETTER. It becomes hard when you become accustomed to bad treatment that there’s a better way. You deal with what is familiar when the unfamiliar is scarier and you are unaware whether it is worse or not.

But when you reach that place where NOTHING CAN BE WORSE THAN WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH, that’s when you know it’s time to bail.

That point hit; that is what I did.

I offer my personal testimony because I no longer know where my OLD FRIEND IS. The one who was enlightened and strong enough to tell me when things were getting twisted. It was his cousin, true enough, but that didn’t stop him from telling me the reality of some things. I MISS THAT PERSON.

Somewhere along the way, HE got kidnapped.

I can’t quite pinpoint it, although I would guess it was around his first marriage. The dissolving of it to be exact; she had been unfaithful to him and gotten pregnant by the guy she cheated with. Although he still had that resolve to let it go, I believe it left an impact on his psyche.

When I saw him back in fall of 2005, I noticed elements of him were missing. He didn’t have the same spark, the same fight. It was there but muted. He had stopped writing; he seemed on pause. It unnerved me but I figured, “Of course he would be different; his marriage was coming to an end.”

But I always believed he would come back to his own self with time. I thought he would see it as a chance to get refocused on his aspirations--to rediscover what made him the man that he was. I thought he had a better chance of that without getting in a new relationship right away.

However, I sensed the loneliness in him. He was not the type who liked being alone. He didn’t seem to like being single. He enjoyed being in a relationship and all of what it entails. He NEEDED to be in a relationship.

I used to be that way, too.

In the sense where I thought I NEEDED a relationship--where there wouldn’t be a whole lot of time between one ending and another one beginning. I didn’t even have that much time to reflect on the lessons in some situations.

But what made me stop being that way was this query:

How can I fully be a good partner to someone else when I haven’t had time to figure out myself?

I needed to know what I could bring to the table, but I needed that alone time to do me. I needed time to figure out the lessons--the acceptance, the grieving, the healing. Otherwise, one starts the cycle all over again; you keep repeating lessons you should have learned before.

Then, a Hurricane came through. That is how I describe his second wife. Whatever was left of my OLD FRIEND was obliterated when she arrived. The effect on him and everyone around him rivaled Katrina.

Her energy was bad to begin with; foundation shaky at best. His stuff wasn’t quite finalized, neither was hers. She had issues with faithfulness from the beginning, before he decided to marry her.

When I saw him again in 2008, he told me about the trauma he had already gone through with her. These were flashing neon lights; why were he and I even having this conversation? The OLD FRIEND would have already told her to kick rocks; or at least hold off on any further commitment until she could really prove she could be faithful. But this NEW ONE seemed tormented; he knew he was being disrespected and yet, he saw it as something that could be worked through.

This baffled me; if it wasn’t negotiable with his first wife, why did it suddenly become negotiable with this one?

Perhaps he didn’t want to look foolish--to have gotten in a brand new relationship so soon and to be made a fool of.

Perhaps it was fear--the fear of dealing with another failed relationship, not being alone, the fact that he bonded with her three children and had already opted to give up aspirations of creating his own.

Whatever this was; I didn’t like it. I told him she wasn’t the right one for him, to not marry her. I’m sure I am not the only one who said this.

When I saw the wedding pictures, my heart broke. I could look into her eyes. I knew she was no good; nothing about them was sincere. She was a user, shifty, nothing steadfast about her…the moment things weren’t going great, she would be out quicker that a missile.

I surely could not be the only one who saw this.

I tried to be happy for him.

Love, honor, and cherish went right out the window.

If you love, honor, and cherish someone, you don’t let anyone else love, honor, and cherish your body besides your husband. No matter what you’re going through, sex with someone else isn’t the answer. If it gets to the point where you are going to cheat, break up with him; leave him be. If you know he was cheated on before by his first wife, why do the very same thing and cause him even more pain? It’s only fair; it’s only right. And you don’t need more than six times to get that picture. One time should have done it.

For better or worse flew out the door, too.

When it was better, it was good. When it was worse, however, it was worse. You don’t choose when a person is at his worse to insult his pride and throw him out. You can’t choose to remain the same when circumstances demand that one has to do things differently. You can’t treat him like the King of the Castle when everything’s good, then downgrade him to “You ain’t shit” when it’s not; give the King some time to get back on top; in the meantime, help him out a bit until he can.

Love doesn’t manipulate.

Love doesn’t make the other person miserable because you are miserable. Love would want the other person to be happy even if he isn’t with you.

Love doesn’t bring another person who cares about you into the mix without having his house in order.

I don’t know who this NEW GUY is; I see no remnants of the OLD.

But I do feel like we are at that same place…

He has lots of family and friends who LOVE him. Who know HE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER. Who says he DESERVES RESPECT.

When the blessings are in front of him, he is not going to realize it because he has toxic energy blocking it. Each time he goes back to old ways, it decreases his chances of truly receiving his blessings.

He doesn’t need to do all this to get attention; he doesn’t need to sustain this type of drama. It’s bad for the heart, mind, and spirit.

But this one right here…is nothing short of a succubus. It’s like she vacuumed up his pride and tucked it somewhere that he cannot get to.

To see this type of emasculation is outrageous, especially after he keeps telling people about his pain and how he is through. For everyone to pray for him and encourage him to start a new.  And then, to spit in the face of all the encouragement by going right back to the perpetrator of the pain--not once, not twice…but this has got to be try number seven, perhaps higher.

I feel like I’m in the relationship with him; it’s just too much. It’s like the boy who cried wolf; boy kept saying it, everyone rushed, and there was no wolf.

When the wolf comes for real, he runs the risk of no one showing up.

You can only get sympathy to a point; if you are not really trying to get out of your situation, then the sympathy well will start to get dry.

To the point where the very ones who always try to have your back will be, “Man, I love you, but I can’t be around this anymore. I can’t keep trying to help you if you are just going to go back. I’m done with it until you are ready to get right.”

And it’s not because of lack of LOVE but LOVING MYSELF TOO MUCH to go through the emotional roller coaster with him because he keeps going back. It doesn’t just impact him when she hurts him; it impacts all family and friends who love him.

And it’s not because of lack of LOVE but because of LOVING HIM TOO MUCH to continue to see this deliberate self-sabotage of himself.

I could keep telling him these things, but if HE DOESN’T LOVE HIM, it will just fall on deaf ears.

But like everyone else, I will continue to pray that the OLD FRIEND returns.

Love yourself
because God does
and He doesn't want His child
in unnecessary pain
in needless strife...
are not from Him
and He would never tell you
to stay with someone
who continually perpetuates
all these things.
All who love and care for you
Know you've been led astray
Myself included, but I have to step back
as I close my eyes
and continue to pray.


Mahoganydymond™ said...

I am so glad that you are back to writing your thoughts and feelings.. I swear we are so much a like in many ways.. I love you Moni...

No Labels said...

Love you, too.