Thursday, July 14, 2011

Day 25~Deceptors & Reflectors

Some of this may be a slight repeat of past entries..where I can save time, I will link to the other entries. 

25~ Looking back on your life...who taught you the most about what love is/isn't?

Love’s Deceptors:

Person T: He taught me that just because a person has one redeemable quality doesn’t mean the rest of him is. You can be a charmer and still be an asshole.

I give him that he has the gift of gab and the ability to make one laugh at the drop of a hat. Other people say he is caring, considerate, and generous. He may be that now, but he wasn’t that to me.

He showed me that Love doesn’t force you to change the outside after it claims to take you as you are. I’m not saying I wasn’t feeling insecure about my looks and weight before, but Person T’s growing comparison and contrast really hit home. One day, he would say, “Why don’t you dress more like a woman?” Meaning sexy and feminine. On the times when I did, he would be, “That would look right on you if you were skinnier.” Whether he was joking or serious, those things hurt me greatly.

He began the lesson that jealousy does not equate love.

I think that is the misconception--that if a guy acts jealous over you (and vice versa), it is another way of showing love. But it is not. Jealousy is the building blocks of more trouble to follow--it can lead to insecurity, paranoia, lack of trust, and yes, even escalate into violence. I am proof of Jealousy gone rampant.

Love doesn’t goad you to have sex before you’re truly ready or believe lies people told about your innocence. Love treats one's Virginity as priceless treasure not Dollar Store knock offs. He turned what could have been a memorable experience for me to something I wish I could just forget, erase, and re-do. And definitely, not with him.

Person R:   He taught me that certain foundations aren’t good ones to build a relationship on.

The entire scenario was messy. He was in a relationship, had a piece on the side. The piece on the side encouraged his pursuit of me because she was tired of sexing him. After he partook of me, he had to have me, went so far as to break up with his girlfriend for the chance to get with me.

I was taught to quit second guessing my instincts, that I should stick with my “No” instead of caving in to sweet talk and mistaking persistence for Love.

I was shown just because his family was the epitome of what I wanted didn’t necessarily mean he was the epitome of them; I rocked the ring because I loved the promise of his family life more so than loving him. It took a while but I can admit that to myself.

He further proved what happens when Jealousy takes over and runs rampant. Love isn’t supposed to hurt you mentally, emotionally, physically.

He showed me that Love doesn’t make you compromise so much to where your identity is annihilated.

Love doesn’t threaten to take Its’ life if you don’t stay.

Love doesn’t force you to give up your friends because he wants to isolate you from the people who love and care about you.

Love doesn’t make an April Fool’s joke about infidelity and have you walk up on his ride, proving the so-called joke was real.

Love doesn’t try to get you to commit a crime because you’re too frigging cheap to pay for gas.

Love does not yell at you, insult your weight, have you walking twenty minutes (to and from) to serve hot meals when one has a cafeteria plan that is including in the tuition.

Love doesn’t continually cheat and almost bring evidence of your activities home.

Love doesn’t take until you’re depleted and then piss on your when you cannot give more.

(you guys get the point)

Bittersweet:  From Bittersweet, I learned how deeply I could Love, how deeply I could Hurt. I learned what happens when a person compromises too much for the sake of peace. After my relationship with Bittersweet, I no longer recognized myself. The essence had been sucked out of me; I was left for dead. I changed so much of who I was; the old me would have been out oh, so long ago the moment I saw that her depression and self harm episodes were more than I could handle.

I discovered how toxic certain types of depression can be; how it doesn't only affect the person but loved ones as well.

I discovered just because there's a connection, doesn't mean one should build on. Just because the two of you make good friends doesn't mean the two of you were meant to be soul mates.

She taught me when the Love is dying, it’s best to just let go. Not necessarily right away. But when you are trying to fight for it, and the other person, through her own actions, has already thrown in the towel…to just let go.

She taught me how difficult it was to play multiple roles--of friend, lover, caretaker. She showed me that sometimes it’s better to let go of the friendship than to try to continue it after the breakup.

Love’s Reflectors:

Grandparents:  In short, what unconditional love and endurance really is. In long, refer back to this blog.

Florida Guy:  He is the best match that I mentioned in my Zodiac entry. He has shown me all of the components that make up a strong Loving relationship. However, sometimes, it is limitations in Self that keep a relationship from going forward and to recognize the truth in that before there is further investment.

Current Guy: He is the embodiment of Love’s patience. At times, I am definitely no picnic. Sometimes, the scabs on my battle scars peel back and threaten to come back to the surface. But he knows the way to fight back is to recognize it for what it is and not falter in his words and actions.

He knows who I am; he came to me during a lot of the ugly…as friend. Yet, he still loves me, after knowing everything.

I have a lot less financially than when he first met me.

My health, not nearly as strong.

I’m not a 20’s something anymore--gravity, slow metabolism, the weather, everything is threatening the outside packaging.

Every day, he tells me how beautiful and strong I am. He reminds me of my value and worth during times when I may lose focus of it. He showers me with little tokens of Love every day--through hugs, kisses, doing the dishes, running a bath when I have my spasms…the whole nine.

He has shown me how beautiful sex can be. My experiences with the one eyed snake--more misses than hits. He made my pleasure his pleasure. Being intimate with him doesn’t feel like sex…it feels deeper…He’s tender, considerate passionate. He is understanding on those times when I don’t feel up to--when cuddling, hugs, and kisses are all that’s needed.

He’s a testament to “for better or worse”. He’s seeing the worse now, so it makes me confident he will be around for the better.

Funny thing is…I wasn’t looking for it; guess it leaves me with the last lesson of Love:

When one looks too hard for Love, any person that comes along may try to perpetuate. In the meantime, one is missing out on the very person one was supposed to find. When one decides not to hunt, to take time out for self, that is the very time the embodiment of Love slides in.

In short:

Quit placing Love on Human Time; Love should be on God’s Time.

(drops quill...)

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