Sunday, July 3, 2011

Day 13~Loving Me As I Am

13~ Do you believe in unconditional love?

A very resounding YES.

I know that God loves me, and it’s not only because the Bible tells me so. It is through so many actions He has shown me. There are some who may wonder how I can still say I am blessed when I haven’t had full time work since last year and tragedy seems to come one behind the other. I know some who have it way worse than I do who hold on to Faith. He has gotten me out of situations that people can only say were miracles.

Let me testify for a little bit. I hope you don’t mind.

April Fool’s Day, 1997. Person R (reference here) told me slightly after midnight that he was sleeping with someone else. I was feeling a bit upset. He went through a pretty deliberate process of getting with me (reference again), proposed to me, having me feeling like a Queen but then hurting me until I felt no bigger than a slave. I was compromised to where I didn’t know myself. I was a walking zombie; I felt outside myself.

After seeing the hurt in my face, he claimed that it was an April Fool’s joke. He laughed, told me he would never put me through that, although I had consistently heard rumors. But I didn’t want to condemn him until I saw it with my own two eyes. Since he kept insisting he was kidding, I attempted to let it slide.

To make a long story short, 12 hours later, I was made the fool, for the “supposed” April Fool’s joke was true. A few of my associates and I walked up on his car, which was rocking and rolling with sex action. The whole essence of me froze; the people around me was trying to throw rocks at his car while he was speeding off.

That day I didn’t want to be around anymore. What I did would have killed someone else (the amount I consumed), but I was brought back.

On my job--2010. Short staffed. I hadn’t been feeling well. Doctors told me I had to slow down the erratic hours I was working. There was no one to cover me, I was told. I had been bleeding internally and my body temperature was up. I don’t remember much except I collapsed right in the middle of making food; the ambulance had to be called and everything. I had a blood clot that had reached my lungs; luckily, the bleeding meant that it was trying to get out of my body. The rest of me was severely dehydrated.

About a month later, while on the job (2010), was trying to deliver food in the midst of a really horrendous snowstorm. Lost control of the wheel why trying to make a left turn, spun, and crashed the concrete embankment. I was tittering; if my vehicle had moved any further forward, I would have died on impact when hitting the water below and the concrete. I had passed out upon impact; when I came to and realized where I was at, it took everything in me not to have a breakdown.

God was at work…yes indeed! You can not tell me otherwise.

I have friends who love me unconditionally. It has been hard to come by. Many people that claimed to be friends have come and gone…some with reason, others just stopped keeping in contact.

The one thing I had been doing but I’m slowly stopping myself is this--You can’t make others like you and accept you. You can’t try to save something that wants to die.

Unconditional love in Romance…even tougher to come by. It’s not impossible. I am not perfect in the least. I could be more flawed than most. One has to be very patient, strong-willed, put together, tolerant to go toe-to-toe with me; otherwise, you’ll be out the door quicker than the Chili’s theme…”I want my baby ba…..” and the person might not get that far.

Call it the “Virgo” in me.

Call it “I’ve been through so much shit I can smell the stench before you even get in the same street, town, state, as me…”

Call it “None of the dirt a person can do can even surprise me because I have been through damn near almost all of it.”

Call it “I have to guard my heart for the times it failed to listen to my mind and instinct and got burned in the process.”

Or just say waiting for the right one.

1 comment:

Thee_Kween said...

Wow, you've been through so much. God bless. I am glad you understand His love for you :)