Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Heroine Takes a Rest

I can no longer be a heroine. I have to accept that it's not my responsibility to save the world. It's not my responsibility to save everyone.

Most of my life, I've carried other people's burdens as my own, felt other people's pain. My ability for empathy is great--perhaps too great. My ability to sacrifice seems to come way too easy. I know that I get it from my grandma, since she sacrificed some of the things she loved for other people.

I know that the lesson she wanted to pass to me was to not do the same thing, to not end up sacrificing to the point where you are bitter, to the point where you are about to give up on things that make you the person you are. To not have the actions have you compromise principle.

Too much, and too often, others have pushed me on the border of compromising principle. If nothing else, the things I've gone through have taught me that if I am feeling emotional discomfort, the worse thing I can do is go against that.

Because sometimes, a person has to learn the hard way. If the person did not get the lesson the first time, sometimes the person has to go through it again.

It's not about entitlement. It's not about what help one feels she deserves. It is about is this person really trying to make an effort to be on her own. Or is she using others as a crutch to get there, only to do the same thing? Has the lesson really been learned?

I just don't see enough progress. Not enough for me to take the risk.

I know that a huge crimp will be put in our friendship, if there is any friendship left after this, but there are just too many loose ends--especially if things were to take longer than intended--then I'm in a situation where I'm stuck with a permanent roommate, and I definitely do not want that.

So the Heroine is taking a rest.

Because the one that truly needs saving is me.


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