Friday, November 28, 2008

Soul Cleanse 19: 2008's Hard Lessons

It's been a long minute.

For those of you who have been praying for me, thank you so much. I'm not around much but I want to let you know that it means so much to me. The simple hits on the side bar, note, message on IM....every little bit means so much to me.

2008 has been one of the toughest years of my life. I have suffered so much loss and have hit some of the lowest points of my life this year. Nothing seemed to turn out right. There has been more dark than light. And I'm holding a flashlight, still trying to find my way.

But in it all, I have to take the lessons with me; I just thought I would share some that I've learned with you...heck, some of you know these already; I'm just doing this for my own inner reflection. Plus it has been so long since I've written. My fingers feel a bit foreign as I type, but it's good to hear the click-clack again.

Lesson #1: When your intuition first tells you things aren't really going to work out, leave then no matter what the circumstance.

People don't seem to realize that it was more the way my breakup with M happened than the breakup itself. Our relationship was dying bit by bit, but because of her illness and all the false hope I tried to stay.

Lesson #2: Never sacrifice your essence for the sake of temporary peace; it causes permanent turmoil and in the end you have to find yourself all over again.

That is what I'm doing now; I know that I will never be the same.

Lesson #3: Try to see being single as "time to get self right" rather than "oh, no, nobody wants me."

And everyday, I struggle through that. I try to avoid all the mushy movies at the moment because I haven't gotten to the point where I can see them and have it not affect me. I spent my first Thanksgiving in five and a half years alone; I have to accept that is how I will be spending my holidays for a while. I have to see this as where I need to be.

Lesson #4: No matter how much you love someone, if that person doesn't trust you, all the love in the world doesn't keep him/her from believing the worst of you and about you.

I've learned that the hard way; it all came full circle today. It became crystal clear--got to let it go. You can love the person but if that person got her mind made up, leave it be. In my experiences, the more one protests, the guiltier the person seems to be.

And I don't do confrontations. I let the other person have their say. If I want to say something I do; if I don't or know how vicious I can be with my words, I walk away. It's not worth getting my adrenalin in a rush or my blood pressure racing. Not because I don't care but I can invest that energy doing other stuff.

Lesson #5: I don't care what anyone says, love and distrust can't truly live in the same house.

If someone says they love me but don't trust me, how can I trust in that love? That means it is fragile...anything someone says, does...any lie, misrepresentation of anything that is said, any bouts of jealousy, all that love is thrown out at a blink of an eye. It's too flimsy; I'll never really believe anyone again if they say they love me but can't trust me.

Lesson #6: Always have your own. If things go wrong, you have no one to blame but you.

When M and I broke up, I had to leave the place I had started thinking of as home; that's hard when you've spent over five and half years there. Trying to get caught up on things that she ran up...the whole nine because I was trying to be a good partner. I'm paying for that good in dividends now. But if things mess up where I am at, it's mine, and that's a good feeling.

Lesson #7: No matter how tough I have it, there's always someone else that has it tougher.

Through the pain I am still thankful. There are folks with no transportation, no food, no job, no home. Even through the sadness, anger, and disappointment, I have to remain humble.

I have loved, and I know the capacity in which I can love. Some people have never; despite the aftermath, I am thankful to have had the chance.

These are my lessons. Thanks for reading.


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