Sunday, June 24, 2007

Soul Cleanse 5: Queries About Life & What Not

Times like these I sit back and wonder about life.

Is it really what we make of it? How much control do we, as human beings, have on what happens to us? And if we have this control, why do we not utilize it more?

Or are the majority of things out of our hands, predetermined by fate, and we are powerless to change the outcome?

I seem to wobble back and forth between this questioning.

My discovery, as it applies to my life, is that although I have done a lot of good in my short time here, lots of bad things can happen to good people.

My emotions go between anger and acceptance.

Anger because I know of people who don't have as much heart, dedication, and good will as I do and yet they are so far ahead--whether its' career wise, finance wise, social wise, material wise...whatever, it seems like they have the upper hand and are going through less than good means to hold on to it.

And then there is the acceptance relative to the story of Job. Despite all of the challenges that were thrown his way, Job never lost his faith. He stayed steadfast and continued to have faith that in the end, there would be a reward.

A lot of bad things have been going on that I haven't written about on here---some people I've talked to know bits and pieces of's just before, I wasn't able to articulate my feelings..the myriad of emotional ebbs and flows.

But now that I've had a moment, however brief, I want to write them down, so I feel less clogged and congested:


A while back, I had mentioned that my mother was attacked by a man who was living with her. I don't know the details of how the physical altercation took place, only that he beat her very badly (lots of damage to her face, abdomen, and lower part of her body) and she has been in the hospital since around Mother's Day.

Last Friday (the Friday before Father's Day), I got word that during re constructive surgery to her face, she went into a coma. That was the same day that everything that could have gone wrong at the job did as well as M saying some pretty hurtful things that made me question everything...strangely enough I still have the messages; I'm not sure what to do to process the information, if anything--just that day, it all got to be a bit much.

But on the bright side, I got word earlier today that my mom is showing signs that she may be coming out of it--the situation is not as grave as it once was.

And my mom and I have never truly gotten along.

Just this year, I had slowly started opening up the lines for communication again with an e-mail, text message here and there. I'm not ready for blown out family reunions just yet. But I am glad that it appears that she will pull through.

For although she has wished death on me, not once, even in my bouts of anger, have I ever wished it upon her.


Miracle is the reason I am in the poor house.

The messed up thing was that the repairs weren't the type that you could say, "Oh I can go without that one." All the things that were in the work order had to be done because the vehicle was deemed unsafe to drive...all to the tune of over 1700 dollars because although the electrical problems with the check engine light was covered under my warranty...the headlight, brake, wheel issues were not and because the people who did body work on my car before did it improperly, the dealership had to get brand new parts and basically laser the old parts off of there, which added to the expense.

So I'm probably going to end up trading her in because in the past 3 months or so, I have spent almost three grand on repairs...this doesn't include the necessary maintenance, like oil change...because the major repairs are taking a lot out of the household.

If M still had her car, it wouldn't be as much of an issue.

But Miracle is all we have at the moment and some of the things I planned are put on hold until I get some more money coming the fingerprinting and certification stuff for my teaching, training for the Praxis II, another car because it's going to be very difficult for her and me to share one car if I have to go on teaching assignments...just lots of things that we thought we could do soon are getting put off until later, which is annoying.

The Virgo Body

I am so tired.

Even if I had the money, I'm too exhausted to go to Pride (sorry my beautiful NY peeps).

I have made a lot of headway in cleaning the house and getting rid of some of the furniture, which is also part of my exhaustion.

But the emotional stuff has tuckered me out as well.

As far as M and I go, I am not any closer to a resolution as when the break first began. I know that I have to think long and hard about things, for if this break is really permanent, adjustments will have to be made. Although she says that I could live in the house and she would move, I don't have any right to the house because it's their old family house; it would just be weird, that's all...then the issue of the cats, just lots of odds & ends, bits and pieces...

I am very grateful that I am building new friendships--it helps to have someone to talk to, particularly someone who is like me in sexual orientation--because straight couples and gay couples are two entirely different animals and a lot of people that give advice have no knowledge of the dynamics of a same sex couple.

Couples therapy....sigh...talking, planning, no action--but part of it is that we haven't come to an agreement concerning expertise as well as getting time from our unorthodox schedules.

But I'm praying on all of this, struggling not to complain too much because there are many who have it ten times worse.

Every once in a while, I do ask, "Why me and why now?"

Can't help it; I'm only human.


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