Saturday, March 24, 2007

Soul Cleanse 1

Before I go and eat me a late breakfast or early lunch

Before I go into the routine humdrum of life (work, cleaning, etc. etc.)

Before I go and cleanse off my stench before I become too aware of it...

Just want to do some other cleansing...cleansing as a result of going into myself, trying to reach some type of closure, some type of solution..and even if it raises more questions than answers, at least I have attempted to facilitate my own catharsis.

Soul Cleanse 1: Sex should never be used as a tool to develop your self-esteem, to validate your worth, to be the major glue in a relationship, or to hold on to a dying relationship.

I can say this based on experience.

My self-esteem has lots of nicks and bruises.

Okay, it has deep gushing cuts at some points.

And many people may think that I seek out these destroyers of all things self, but I think they find me. They wear a mask of vulnerability and it arouses my ability to nurture, and then once they have healed, their payback is to show their true selves.

Well, that's one theory.

The other is being slapped on with this responsibility to love a person enough for both yourself and the other person. It's a very draining process, and plus, that shyt should be kept in the movie theaters because to practice that stuff in reality...not so much wine, roses, and "aww that's admirable."

During my own journey, my sexual awareness came late (on my 18th birthday as a matter of fact). The guy I was dating--who years after we broke up came out as being bisexual, later gay, now trying to say he's going back straight because he's still holding on to the hope that after 11 years, he and I will get back together, get married, have babies, and live happily ever after (but that's a whole 'notha story)..keep harassing my ass.

Saying shit like it would solidify our bond; he wasn't going nowhere; etc...etc.

And hearing other folks talk about sex...made it sound so damn exciting. And reading about the shyt in Harlequin and Silhouette....made it sound comforting, a soul wrenching experience, like you should be hearing angels sing and this strobe light of approval...

Well, you get the picture.

So I caved in, hoping to have some semblance of this fantasy.

But to my dismay, to discover that he had heard a rumor from one of my ex's that he had "hit that" and wasn't sure whether I was still pure, so he had to prove a point.

And it hurt like hell...I bled a lot...a whole lot.

So I wasn't in a big hurry to have sex again...I just went along with it because I felt like it was my duty as a good girlfriend, and when I didn't give him enough, he just went to the next one.

Taught me that sex could be a weapon, a bargaining tool....a "I'll give you what she won't give you type thing."

Strangely enough, my abuser was the one who showed me how beautiful sex could be. Because in the beginning, he was wonderful to me. So I was able to be more open; I was able to feel all of these things I had read about.

He made me see myself in a way that I had never seen myself before...sexy.

And because I felt that way, I was different.

But back to what I was saying....one can't build her self-esteem on that; you have to build it in other ways, for the moment the sex ceases, the moment the tide turns and that person who used to love you so much wish they'd never met you....

It gives that person too much power to dictate how you should feel about yourself.

And I gave him too much power--that I admit.

But I don't think he had a right to hurt me the way he did.

I learned the lessons; I just wish they hadn't been so painful; I wish they hadn't took so much out of me; I wish I hadn't been left so shattered.

So after the storms, I learned that there has to be more there. The core of what's being built has to be strong initially...it can't be built on the waves of foreplay and orgasm. There has to be some sort of substance.

Because lust and intense passion...the whole fucking like rabbits phase...does eventually pass--whether one is on anti-depressants or not.

And then comes the test--after all of that is gone, can you two look at each other and find something to talk about, laugh about...do you still want to be around the person, even if the initial wanting to jump your bones itch is waning?

Sometimes, I wonder if M hears me. I wonder if she understands this is why--that a lot of healing of the core has to take place before that aspect can be introduced.

Yes, the anti-depressants play some part in it...(they do a killing on your libido) and I hope there will be a day when I don't need the extra help.

But I know that right now isn't the time. I had tried to wean myself off of them, and I found out I wasn't ready.

But the other part is the emotional extremes of mood on her side. There are times when I am feeling amorous, when I desire to, when I want to, but unbeknownst to her, she would kill it. And she did that a lot of times while she was working with her mom.

And by the time she had calmed down, I didn't want to anymore.

Moments when she's pissed, although I know that given 20 minutes, she will probably calm down and get happy again, I'm still affected.

And my sex tendencies are more emotionally driven--even if I'm horny as hell, if you've done something to hurt me or piss me off, I won't even act on it.

If I was fucking just to fuck, it would be easier, but that's not how I'm wired. Perhaps I would have been spared a lot of pain if I was.

And I'm trying to discover what makes me feel sexy, what makes me feel good...without having to hear it from someone else...for me to just look and actually know.

And in my therapy sessions it is said that the amount of time it took to tear down your self esteem is equal to the amount of time it will take to rejuvenate it.

So I got a long way to go.

But I'm making progress..little baby steps.

Before, I would have never worn camis.

I just recently resumed wearing skirts.

I'm experimenting with trying to wear high heels...a lot harder than it's made out to be I tell you.

Before, I would have never gone anywhere without makeup, but now, sometimes, I do.

Before I would have wanted to have sex just to feel better, but now I don't.

I just know that she has to find the confidence within herself. I can tell her, along with others, how great she is, but if she never believes it at some point, it's like it's going one ear and out the other.

I admit I get frustrated when she constantly asks me about the sex issue.

For one, because I don't feel like it's the main thing to be focused on when we are both so emotionally broken. Two, a lot of the things I've said I feel like I am repeating myself. And three, since it is in my nature to be aggressive, if someone is too aggressive with me, I tend to take a few steps back and go into observation mode until I feel comfortable again.

On a side note: I hate it when she makes me feel guilty about shyt. I wonder if she realizes that she does it or not.

Like before, she behaved like she was all supportive of my taking the class in April, I even asked her if it was okay, and I know I told her the dates, even before this whole elementary school thing got finalized and she said that it was fine. But of course she said I never told her, and was like "why couldn't you take it on Monday or Wednesday"--because there is no Monday or Wednesday offering. Then once she found out what dates it was, she gets all spastic and shyt, which pissed me off because I feel like that my dreams have gone deferred long enough, particularly after that b.s. that RU put me through, losing my paperwork so I couldn't get into the program...lost a year of my life to that..it's time; if I don't do it this year, it won't get done.

Even if we aren't together anymore, she should have at least been like, "I'm glad that you are finally taking steps to make your dream a reality. Don't let anything or anyone hold you back." That is what I look for, even if we look at it and doesn't work out...that is what a FRIEND would say. That is what I would say to her--once she decides that where she is at isn't where she wants to be, when she decides what she wants to do when she wants to do it, I'm not going to give a rat's ass about the time, I am just going to be there--as someone who cares about someone should be.

The store is going to have to learn to function without me; I'm sorry...unless they are going to give me a store and pay me as much as the lazy ass other manager is making...then I see no reason to continue being on pause. Out of consideration and respect, I stayed because there was no one else...it's hard running a store by yourself and no full coverage. Plus, I needed to get rejuvenated to try again.

Also, I think that she will be happier without me there; the dynamic of us working together is probably causing more stress than she realizes. So it may be more helpful in the end.

Wow, who knew I had so much to say....I really didn't at first. I never really sit back and plan my blogs...sometimes, I just flow and put whatever comes to mind. Which is why some of the things may look awkward or somewhat crass.

Okay, my stomach is rumbling, so I will respond. Have a good weekend.

Peace.

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