Wednesday, October 5, 2005
why is it...
...that the harder you try to achieve a goal, the more obstacles that get in your way?
When I got up this morning, my gf was in quite a mood, which annoyed the hell out of me. I thought that the main reason she took off on Wednesday was for us to celebrate if I got my license. But she's off doing stuff for her other job--the franchise she is in with Molly Maid. I'm not really mad about it, just feel like I am second priority to her at times. But when the situation is reversed, I always do her first...whatever accomplishment she has or things she's trying to achieve.
She left in a huff because she asked me was there any money left. Well, considering I had to pay the Borough of Hightstown almost 500.00 yesterday...because of some stupid grass notice because in the end, I got too ill to try to constantly cut the grass and plus I am allergic to high grass, which was what the problem was in the beginning--and for some reason or another, she kept putting off mowing it and when we did have a working lawn mower it still didn't get done.
When the Borough has to do it, they charge whoever's name is on the property (which is her mom's) fees associated with if they have to do it--because they are strict and it is in violation....so all of that landscaping came to about $230.00--
...and then there was the issue of nothing being paid on the water and sewer for 2004 ( I mean I am only one person and there's only so far that money can stretch). I had money saved back for other things but then I find out from Water and Sewer if that back amount isn't paid they have a right to put the property up for sale .
This part I didn't tell her because she would freak out; the reason why there's no extra money is because I had to turn around and spend another $260 so they won't have us out of house and home because guess what..someone bought the dang house.
So I paid that off to keep that from happening, and I started to say something snide but since I hadn't told her about the situation, I kept quiet.
When she left, she didn't even say her usually, "I love you" or even give me a hug. All she said was good luck; I'll do fine .
It would be different if it was something small, but she knows that I've struggled with this for most of my life--the panic attacks and what not to get to this moment and that is the best she could give me?
I was very hurt, to say the least, so I spent the first 30 minutes in tears because I miss my friend, I miss my cheerleader; sometimes, I see a stranger in the bed we share.
It's also insulting considering what her Christmas present is..which some of you may have picked up on already.
Cause I was at the point before where I was already to do the thing, you know, and then something would happen for the most part, and then I withdraw and rethink the thing, and I don't want to think that this is money that could have gone towards something else (although it could have), but when it is someone you love, you don't think about that; you just pray that the other person appreciates it--although there are times when I wonder what she would do if I wasn't here at all...
Like if I left her here to fend for herself, to take care of all the expenses, the major responsibility, the balancing act I'm currently trying to do--would she treat me with such disdain or would she appreciate my presence more?
Who knows, maybe she would be just fine without me around and could handle things better than I--but I just speculate at this point.
The things I do, I do out of love, but I would like to hear a "Thank You" and "I'm so glad you are around" a whole lot more often--cause I need to hear that--that little validation that I'm doing all right, that we are all right; it is the little things you know..more than the kissing, hugging, and sex... I need my friend, someone who will understand, not the typical male response, like "Stop worrying."
Cause sometimes the male in her pisses me off. I mean, really pisses me off to high heaven.
Like, the femme in her worries about a lot of piddly shit--shit that in the end turns out okay anyway; however, I worry about major stuff, like adequate transportation, paying bills and what not...and her response is something a man would say if he's just trying to fix something minor or as if I am nagging.
I'm sorry...coming from a family who's always had to hustle and struggle, "don't worry" doesn't get things done.
It doesn't put food on the table, keep one in a house--it is the hustle...the everyday hustle. I know that comes from a difference in upbringing but I don't want anyone thinking this shyt comes easy; that if they just don't worry about it, it will go away.
We can say we are not gone worry about bills but when someone comes to try and shut off your shyt, you'll go into panic mode here, won't you?
And NJ spoiled in the fact that they won't cut off your water, lights, etc. if you are behind but back where I'm from, they don't hesitate and I'd rather try to nip all this shit in the bud before winter..since we struggled last year to pay the gas bill.
So that really gets under my skin.
But I digress.
After I cried for her lack of care, I then went to the bank to see how much money was left...I was hoping the rest of my money had cleared and that I would have enough money to take care of my driving lesson and what not.
How come I was short..not by a huge amount but short...the rest of the money wasn't showing....
I'm trying not to have a panic attack, so I end up taking the money my grandparents sent me for my birthday plus the little bit that I can take out in the bank plus charging funds on my new card in order to do this today..because Diane's like, "You are too close; if I start rescheduling you then you aren't going to do it."
And she's probably right, so I don't argue. ...and that she will wait until next Monday to put the rest of my payment through. She holds my hand and tells me things are going to get better; I'm just going through a series of rough patches right now.
She's training a new instructor who used to be a truck driver. She's really friendly and doesn't interfere during the lesson. I do my straight reverse, my K turn...had a couple of misses on my parallel; Diane realizes I'm getting mad nervous, so she tells me not to worry about all the shyt that's going on.. that it will all fall into place, which was the very thing I needed to hear from my girlfriend this morning but she didn't tell me; instead just left in a fucking huff on one of the most important milestones in my life....
I take a minute and I cry again. Luckily the new lady has tissue. I get composed and we make our way to the DMV...it's around 10 at the time.
Diane tells me about the DMV guys, that I'll either get Leo or Bubba--she finds out that it will be Bubba and to address him as "Mr. Lovebug" and play country music. She says she can't stand that "hick shyt" but if you are able to do a little catering to the instructor's needs he doesn't grade so hard. Plus, Bubba is really easy going and if he sees you get the gist of things (with the exception of running off the road or hitting a cone) that I'll pass.
I don't have time to freak out because as it happens there's no wait.
I get my seat adjusted and stuff.
I find out Bubba has roots in Mississippi...he actually know where Summit and McComb are. We talk about Katrina, the devestation; we talk about the time in the casino where he won $3,500...he asks me if I miss it; I tell him I do in some ways; I miss my grandfolks, the easy goingness, the culture.
The course took all of five minutes--literally...it was quite curvy so I was very careful on the gas...the brake was my best friend; I remembered to turn and signal although Bubba didn't stress on the turning. The cone alignment had slightly changed so it took me a while to get my parallel right but Bubba saw that I had the gist of it and gave me a few hints, noting that I should have had my license a while back cause I seem to be a pretty considerate driver but to "act like a hard ass out in NJ because all these folks are assholes". That made me laugh.
After that I gave Bubba a hug...he really took away from that ambiance that the driving test person is mean and ornery; they really seem to want you to do well.
Are you wondering if I passed?
...I'll save that for the next blog.