Sunday, August 29, 2021

Shadow Work Sunday: Journal Entry 12


Hello everyone. I hope all is going well. Originally, I was going to continue "The Layers of Chronic Illness", but a line came to me the other day as I took my Power Nap.

Power Naps are a new activity for me. I learned it as part of this program I signed up for a few months ago. It's funny how you're taught to have naps at a young age but as you get older, you begin to lose the ability.

I'll explain.

When I was younger, the kids were encouraged to have nap time. There were these orange pads out for us to rest on. The slumber wasn't long, but I do remember most of us were ready to tackle the day some more after nap time was over. As I got older, I lost the ability to nap. Once I was up, I was up. When I felt the afternoon slump, I would just wait for it to pass instead of taking time to close my eyes and reset. I had forgotten that one did not have to sleep during the nap.

In one module of the program, a sleep expert was saying how the majority of people did not get enough sleep nor did they get quality sleep. Then, he went into detail about the importance of naps. Once I heard his take on "Power Naps", I decided to give them a try.

Although I'm not always able to take one, the times I have done so have left me refreshed and do not mess with my normal sleep pattern. The normal length is either 10 or 20 minutes. On rare occasions, I do 90 minutes.

It was during one of my 20-minute naps that this thought came to me. Initially, I believed it was meant for a story or a line for a poem, but it didn't seem to gel for either.

We should think of ourselves as houses not cars.

Like I have mentioned before, I've never viewed myself as normal, although I tried many times to blend in and be accepted. Usually, those attempts produced teasing, laughter, bullying. This amplified my quiet tendency and increased my social withdrawal. Writing gave me solace and gave me an outlet.

One of my favorite activities was writing in a journal. Before it was an assignment in my writing classes, I was doing this independently. When scribing about my struggles, it was in the present, but when talking about joy, it was mostly in the future.

In my future, I always described the specifications of my dream abode more so than what type of car I drove.

When I got older, I realized that my desires ran contradictory to others' aspirations. It was focused on the type of cars, the specs on the cars, and the brand of cars. The house was thrown in, almost as an afterthought.

This approach, to this day, rings strange to me, but it is very applicable as it pertains to individuals and trauma.

When one comes into the world, she is at her highest value. There is no one that dictates her worth. Her very existence is magic that is unmatched. Her growth should be exponential.

What can get in the way of her growth are external factors.

People can question her beauty, her intelligence, and her character, even those whose jobs are to uplift her. Those who she trusted have betrayed her. Economic circumstances prevent some dreams from becoming reality.

The list goes on and on.

Suddenly, she becomes unsure of her value. She becomes unsure of her worth. She starts questioning her magic. Her growth is stunted.

She is transformed from a house to a car.

See, a house has the potential to retain or increase its value. One can redecorate. Perform renovations. With the proper care, consideration, and commitment to that house, it appreciates in value.

With a car, one can negotiate the price of the vehicle. All parties involved have to agree. The moment the car is driven off the lot, it depreciates in value, no matter what brand it is. Sometimes, the amount of maintenance to keep the car going exceeds what one has financially. Or, one has to upgrade to a new car to keep up appearances. Whatever the case, the initial worth and value of the vehicle cannot be recaptured, even if one attempts to sell the car for what she paid for it.

There is no existence without challenges. The key is how a person navigates through them and how to use the lessons to press forward.

There is no interaction without individuals that will challenge one's self-esteem. When a person refuses to accept their perception as truth, power is retained. Worth is restored.

Too many get beaten down to the point where it's difficult to see the value. They have accepted their depreciation in the world and that's just how things are. That's not what the Universe desires, not for any member of humanity.

Being a house involves more work than maintaining a car. The question lies in the zest to put in the work to ensure one's appreciation in the world.

There were moments when I fell into others' narratives of me. I was not beautiful. I was too dark. I was too fat. I didn't deserve love. No one could ever want me. There were events that happened in my life that made me question if those insults were reality.

Once I invested in working on myself and reconnected with my untainted Self, I see myself with new eyes. To be honest, it was the eyes I should have continued to use instead of letting them be covered by eyeglasses with scratched-up lenses.

I may not be beautiful to everyone, but as long as I believe I'm frigging gorgeous, what the world thinks is irrelevant.

My body may be too fat, too skinny, or too muscular, but as long as it's the one I want, what others believe is nonsense.

Just like everyone else, I am deserving of love. 

I know the work I'm doing on myself is important. I am dedicated to doing that, so I won't perceive dipping my big toe into dating waters as a daunting undertaking.

That's all I got everyone. Be love, be light, but most of all, be peace.

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